Obliviate

Today is not a good day. Levels of dissociation are high. It is like living underwater, trying to work through a thick haze in and around my head. The world looks unreal, the people are robots, I don’t exist. I have no sense that the hands typing this belong to me. And K has been wiped from my mind completely. I have no sense of her, of why she is important to me, of what we have done and talked about in all the hundreds of hours we’ve spent together. In my brain is just an empty space where she used to be. I want her back, because when she is in my head the world is a little safer. I am a little safer, a little more real.

The longest we have gone without proper contact (i.e. not just ‘I’m ill’ ‘get well soon’) in almost 3 years is 6 full days. I struggle to hold on to her even in the time between sessions, between contact, and we met 2 or 3 times a week for two and a half years, with phone and text contact in between. Even if we had not had the awful rupture and she hadn’t hurt me so badly last week I would be really struggling with an unexpected break of 2 weeks with no phone or email contact arranged. I need therapy, it’s why I go every week without fail and we have contact inbetween sessions. It’s why moving from 2 longer sessions to a double session once a week back in March was such a big deal. I struggle to contain and hold everything myself for all that time. I miss her, I need her. I wish I could hold on to her when she is not here but I can’t. When she went on a yoga retreat 18 months ago and we had no contact for 4 whole days and I knew I couldn’t contact her my brain wiped her away by the time I got home from my session. It took so long to get her back again, to feel connected, to rebuild a sense that she is real and we are connected. It hurts us both when I go to sessions and have to tell her I don’t know her, can’t remember her, have no sense of ever having been in her home before. Both of us could do with less hurt on Monday I am sure, but I am powerless to stop my mind doing this.

I want to cut so badly, to bring myself back a little, to feel real. I want to reach out to her, to check she is still real, still here, that I am still real to her. Because I cannot understand how I can still exist to her, when this has happened for me. How do I still exist when she doesn’t?

I am struggling so much with suicidal thoughts and feelings today. I went to the gym. I’ve managed to get something big done for work. I’m trying as hard as I can, but thoughts of blood and not existing anymore are never far away. Monday feels forever away. And at the same time I am so dissociated and cut off that in part it is like if I never see her again we will all be fine. Dissociated, but fine. It is so disconcerting to lose all sense of a person. It is the greatest defence mechanism ever in so many ways (who cares if I am abandoned because I don’t know them anyway, right?) and yet it fucks with my life so much. Out of sight, out of mind. And everything that person gives me and enables me to be is wiped away.

It makes me scared for what will happen on Monday, whether I should even go. I’m scared I will be so upset by the level of disconnect when I arrive that I will be unable to tell her she hurt us all so badly last week. I will be so relieved to connect with her again I will just want to move on from the hell that was last week. And also when I’ve gone before in this cut off state where her house is unfamiliar and I don’t feel I know who she is it has often taken the best part of 90 minutes to get any kind of connection back again. So then what happens about all the shit from last week? Where does it go? And all the stuff I wanted to share last week about my Mum and narcissism and engulfment and shame – what about all that? Another week holding that and waiting to repair this. And what if we can’t or she doesn’t want to? What if she is still ill?

I feel so lost. Like I said on Monday – I am lost inside myself. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes it feels as though there is no hope for me, for any of us. I want to see blood, just to know I still exist. I want to feel pain, to feel something – anything. I want to feel the sting and know I hurt, because I know this dissociation is covering a huge level of pain and I just cannot feel it. I am an automaton. I am barely here, barely living, and I wonder what the point is – this is not a life.

The moon

Dear K,

I just caught a glimpse of the nearly-full moon as I was getting into bed. How many times have we spoken of the moon? How many times have I looked up at it from outside your house after session? Do you remember the time we were sitting next to each other on the floor and both noticed at the same time a misty crescent moon in the dark sky framed beautifully in the window? Do you remember when you were in Portugal and in one of our emails Miffy asked if her moon was the same as yours and you replied saying ‘the moon is the same, and the stars are the same’?

You’ve read Little Rabbit Waits for the Moon to us so many times! And one day Miffy realised you are like the moon – always there even when we can’t see you, keeping us safe and affecting us in magical and often unnoticed ways.

The moon and her cycles have been such an important part of our work. When I feel unsafe I picture my moon from your garden and you don’t feel so far away – under the same sky. I can almost feel I’m in your garden, with you, as I’ve been so many times.

I miss you. This is the longest we will have gone without being in touch. When I let myself think about it it hurts so much. Without you I feel lost inside myself.

Please come back to me, to all of us. Please help us find our way back to each other. You said what we have cannot be broken, that we are part of each other forever now. Please show everyone you were right.

I love you. You are the mum we never had and always needed. You are helping me find safety inside myself by being like the moon, pouring your invisible love and healing into me, holding me even when we are far apart.

Please don’t let me go.

CB

What will happen to me?

I wanted to say another huge thank you to everyone who has supported me on here and sent messages and emails checking how I am doing. I cannot tell you how much it has helped me feel less alone and crazy this past week. I can’t help feeling now like I over-reacted and am just emotionally unstable and reactive, so knowing so many others know that place and the triggers of the therapeutic relationship has really helped.

Today I feel more stable. There is a definite undercurrent of ‘I want to die’ and young parts are desperate to reach out to K and check she is still there and not so ill that she will have to stop working with us (and is it their fault she is ill because they got so sad?) but grown up me feels more-or-less functional. I got a load of work done in the garden so the week ahead feels more manageable, ate some beans on toast, and cycled 20 miles in beautiful sunshine (fuck you K, I can enjoy cycling without you!). I will do yoga and meditate before bed. My energy feels better, though I’ve still needed diazepam to deal with the anxiety/panic, and my brain feels more able to function work-wise and life-wise.

I am left wondering, though, what will happen to me, to therapy, to K and I. She told me what we had cannot be broken. No matter what. I do believe we, as in grown up me and her, can come back from this, but the parts who have only just begun to trust her, open up to her, believe her that she won’t go away – what will happen to them? She really fucked up last week, she really hurt them and then she disappeared. Trusting anyone is so hard for them and she really let them down. I still can’t quite believe that phone call actually happened, and that she didn’t check we were okay later, though I am trying not to linger on this and to move forward in my thinking. I’m not sure she even realises what she did and why it was so awful. And it makes me wonder if it’s time to be done with therapy, or to move on to someone else and not let the alters get attached to them? And I know there is genuine terror over confronting K when she has done something that is triggering or has made a mistake – even when we’ve saved it to discuss ‘in the room’, it has never gone well. I wonder what to do about this?

I’ve always been committed to staying in therapy for the long-haul, till the parts are integrated/unified and we don’t experience near-permanent depersonalisation because of inaccessible psychic conflicts, till the stories are told and the trauma is processed, till I feel capable of building relationships, a relationship, outside of therapy, till my sexual dysfunction and phobias are not so fucking pervasive that a sexual relationship is impossible. Now I’m not so sure – am I just wishing for the impossible? K said recently, after the huge suicidal emotional storm at the beginning of March, that maybe all that is possible is bringing this stuff into awareness. And maybe she is right, maybe my life will be a series of emotional storms and I just need to learn to wrap myself in blankets and wait for it to pass. Maybe feeling desperately suicidal will always be something I struggle with? Maybe just hanging on for dear life when the storm hits like I did last week is all I can do? Maybe it is okay that self-care went out the window and I felt like dying all week, because I survived it? Maybe I will be constantly enduring cycles of restabilising after periods of being re-traumatised, for the rest of my life? Only I can’t help thinking there is more than this for me.

My life has been more than this, before one of my best friend’s killed herself 3 1/2 years ago and I lost my mind and found my way to K, my life was more than this. Yes, there was a lot of running (partying, dangerous  levels of Class A drugs, ‘inappropriate’ relationships, smoking and drinking and orthorexia), and a lot of depersonalisation and emotional flashbacks that made no sense back then, but I was happier in many ways. It felt like my life had started at last, after all the years of chronic pain and self-harm and fatigue and hopelessness. I’ve read parts of my diary from back then to K, where meditation and acceptance and being in the present moment were part of everyday life for me, and she said I’d reached what many people dream of reaching – ‘enlightenment’. And I wonder what happened to all that? I can see now I wasn’t really okay, I was emotionally numb and plagued by emotional flashbacks and really dissociated, but in many ways things were better and I had weeks and weeks at a time of being genuinely calm, stable, grounded, centred, balanced, and happy. And so I can’t help wondering if I could get back to that if the fucking endless cycle of triggers in therapy were to end?

Except, I can see how far I’ve come and I can see I have work I can do in therapy still, a lot of it. And I don’t want to give up now, or run away, or accept that this is my life. I want to keep working with her to internalise a sense of safety I can carry into the world. I want to work to understand the parts and learn to hold them and listen to their pain. It’s just that I am exhausted from all this fighting. I’m tired of losing it so completely, of worrying about the strain this must put on my physical body and what is ahead for me health-wise, of constantly trying to find my balance. I am tired of being dissociated and having to hold the parts, of worrying because I know I am neglecting them too often but I just don’t have time or energy to treat them with compassion and kindness sometimes.

So I don’t know where I am tonight or what I should do. Probably I’ll sort things with K and things will go back to how they were in many ways, and then in a month or two or three it will happen again. I want to feel I am making progress, but I’m not even sure what I am progressing towards anymore.

 

Comments not appearing…

Anyone any ideas why my comments are appearing on my own blog and not on other people’s? I’ve tried googling but can’t find anything on this! I keep leaving long and considered responses on people’s posts and they just vanish!! I am really hating WP today!!! Any ideas gratefully received!

Mad

This is Phoebe. I am so fucking mad!!! I am mad with K, mad with all the stupid parts who are attached to her, mad with C who is making us do therapy, mad with my dad for leaving me with my mum even though she was fucking awful, mad with EVERYTHING. What is inside HURTS SO MUCH! I am sick of the little parts pain. I am sick of them needing. I am sick of being me, being alive, being here. I do not want to live anymore.

I told everyone not to trust K. I told them it is NOT SAFE to trust someone and let them in. I warned them she would fuck us over because everyone goes away or hurts us in the end. K is acting like nothing has happened but she has broken the trust of everyone. I was just starting to trust her, I even admitted to her I was attached to her now, and LOOK WHAT SHE HAS DONE. She was fucking horrible on the phone and then hung up and left us all alone and didn’t even check we were okay. I hate her. She has hurt the little ones too much to ever come back from. What will happen to them, to all of us?

Being alive is just fucking awful. It is just pain. I am just a waste of time and space. There is nothing but pain inside. I am alone. She cannot make this better, she will not even try, she will blame it on us. She is worse than my mum because my mum is mentally ill, K just doesn’t give a fuck about us. She is ‘there’ because we pay her. She can change the rules ANY TIME. When she doesn’t want to see us anymore she can just go away. If we need her she is not there. She gets to choose when to care and when not to care because we are HER JOB. It is not real, that’s why she gets to hurt us. I bet she hasn’t even noticed that we are not okay. I was right not to trust her and I will never let her in again. She has hurt the little ones and it will never be okay ever again.

“I hope this email finds you well”

K just emailed to cancel our session tomorrow because she is ill. Whilst this gives me a week to try and restabilise and means my week ahead won’t be thrown into disarray, it is also a fucker because I just want to go and face her and get the rupture repair started. And I’m worried by next Monday the anger will have dissipated and dissociation will have set in and I’ll never get to tell her how hurt and angry and traumatised I have been. Instead the parts will just never trust her again, never feel safe with her again. They will disappear, never to be heard from again because she has broken us.

Plus her email started ‘I hope this email finds you well’ which makes us all so fucking mad. Does she have no idea what she has done? No, not ‘well,’ not well at all in fact because of you. She said she was very sorry she wouldn’t be able to work tomorrow, but why can’t she just be fucking human and acknowledge that it would have been good to try and sort out the mess we are in?

So straight after getting her email I managed to reverse into my neighbour’s brand new white shiny car and scratch it – for fuck’s sake. I don’t know how this even works on insurance (I’m fully comp) but presumably I will have to pay an excess and lose my no claims discount as it is not protected. Argh, could so do without everything today.

And now another week holding all of this. Phoebe, a teen part, is absolutely losing her shit right now (ranting post imminent). So the goal will be to spend tomorrow really, truly restabilising – sort house, yoga, gym, cycle, meditate, try to eat at least semi-normally, because I can’t do another week like I’ve just done. I do not want my attachment to someone else to fuck my life up so much. I do not want the actions of someone else to fucking shatter me. My Mum did that already. I want to shut K out forever.

Does she even know how fucking awful things feel?

Shut down

Today everything is shut down. My energy is practically non-existent. My eyes feel all wrong. It’s like being tired but it’s not really that. Dissociation. Everything is weak. Cannot be bothered with anything. I’m basically letting my daughter sit watching telly because I have no energy to interact or go anywhere.

I am done with this fight.

What has happened with K is just another example of how I fuck up everything because my emotional reactions are so huge. Why am I even trying to ‘get better’? What does that even mean?

I don’t want to do therapy anymore. I just want to disconnect and hide forever. I don’t have the energy to mend this rupture. I don’t have the energy for honesty and owning my feelings and telling her she hurt me. I don’t have the energy tomorrow for a difficult session. I don’t even know what time we are meant to be meeting because we were meeting earlier to do the huge long session. I don’t want to sit with her empathising about how painful it all is, making it about my feelings instead of her actions. Why is it no matter what I do and what happens to me it is always my fault?

She has broken us. Maybe I am better off letting her.

I don’t have the strength to feel the feelings that have come up this week and make sense of them. I don’t have the strength to defend and assert myself and tell my side of things. I will mess it up even more. I don’t want to see that side of her again. I don’t want to get in trouble again just for being me, just for saying how I feel and what I think.

I just want to be left alone to rot. Which is basically what K has done this week.

 

All the fears

This is the post I wrote yesterday

So many fears today.

I’m scared after this week that I am just not cut out for therapy, that I can’t handle ‘being in relationship’ and I would be better off resigning myself to a life without connection and intimacy. Without being in therapy maybe I would stop lurching from crisis to crisis, and could find some sort of stability, even if it means I am disconnected from myself and the world, even if it means I stay single and alone forever.

I’m scared because this will happen again. I’m scared because it has only been two and a half months since the last huge crisis, where K had said that she had been thinking I might be better off under the CMHT and was worried she wasn’t enough, where I was convinced I would get there and she would say she couldn’t work with me anymore. I’m scared me kicking off about the lost session time/money will make her think again that I would be better off getting support on the NHS for free, because obviously money is a big issue for me (even though I know I wouldn’t get what I need on the NHS, and even though Monday wasn’t about the money at all really, but the loss of my precious session time).

I’m scared by this week’s disintegration. This rupture came out of nowhere. I’m scared it will happen again, or won’t be repaired in time, and I’ll be plunged again into a state that will wreck the good stuff I have booked in the coming months (taking my daughter to see Taylor Swift at Wembley (!!!), going to a festival to perform 3 times with my choir, a 5 day trip to see friends from my undergrad days).

I’m scared cycling really is over and that because of this young and teenage parts will never be able to trust her or feel safe with her again. I am scared of the pain of working through this loss, and the fears that will arise in terms of what else might get taken away if we misbehave i.e. share our feelings with her.

I am scared by how hurt I am that K has taken away the cycling adventure we had planned for Monday. Everyone in the system was so excited about this. K was excited too. It was something so special. It was her idea. She even emailed me with a map of our route after she had looked it up, even though she almost never contacts me first. I am scared of how big the feelings about this will be when they hit. She will help me process them, but I will still have to face the reality that she has taken this away from us all because I am ‘inflexible’ and ‘too reactive’.

I’m scared how even after all this time in therapy, self-care has gone totally out the window this week – I’ve stopped eating, not been on my bike or to the gym, not meditated or practiced yoga. (I acknowledge I have also not drunk alcohol, taken class As, smoked cigarettes or self-harmed, and that I have reached out on here, got meds from the GP, not lashed out and sent angry texts or emails to K, drunk water still, and got what I needed to done at work).

I’m scared I will go on Monday and Kay will be angry and tell me off for emailing. I am scared she will tell me I am never allowed to email again (and hence take away the Friday email which has never caused problems and has been so holding and important in our relationship). I am scared if she does this it will mean a whole week without contact every week – I don’t feel able to hold everything myself for all that time. I am scared without Friday contact my brain will wipe her away every week, like it used to.

I’m scared she will have realised she cannot hold my huge process and emotional reactions anymore. I’m scared that even if she has realised that it wasn’t me but something I triggered in her, that she will still have decided she can’t work with me anymore because my process triggers something too big in her. Like when we decide we can’t have someone in our lives anymore because of what they bring up in us, even though we know it is not really them, but us – we have to protect ourselves by getting out anyway. I’m scared this will happen with her, that she will need to protect herself from whatever it is that I trigger in her that made her react like that.

I’m scared I’ve pushed too much, that she is overwhelmed and exhausted. I’m scared even if she doesn’t say this is the end she will say we cannot do a double session anymore because she is tired of me and part of the reason she lost her shit on me on Tuesday was because our session was so draining. She has said in the past that working with me and all the parts is ‘a lot’. What if ‘a lot’ has just become ‘too much’?

I am scared she is not who I thought she is, because she reacted on Tuesday in a way I never would have expected and has not been in touch to apologise. I’m scared because she must have wanted to hurt me by calling me like that – she will have known what taking cycling away would do to all of us, and how hurt we would be by how she was on the phone and the way she disconnected from us, and she did it anyway. I’m scared she will be embarrassed by her behaviour and yet will continue to project it onto me by not acknowledging that she should not have called me when she was angry and triggered and then put the phone down on me. I’m scared she’ll use it as evidence of my emotional instability and inability to hold my emotional reactions myself.

I’m scared if I tell her how horrendous this week has been she will take it as more evidence that therapy is not helping and that she is not enough for me. I’m scared she will be worried in case this happens again between us, and will decide I am too reactive, unstable and volatile to work with safely. I’m scared I’ll have to keep things hidden because my emotional reactions are too much for her.

I’m scared if I tell her I think she made mistakes last week then it will be the end of us forever. I’m scared if I assert myself then Monday’s session will be another shit-show, that she will be defensive and angry and more punishing and shaming of my feelings. I’m scared I will lose my shit with her and drive her away. I’m scared she is not able to be the therapist I need. I’m scared she only likes ‘compliant’ me. I’m scared she can’t help me learn it is safe to express my feelings and tell people when they have pissed me off. I’m scared that I will try and read the letter sharing my view that I should not have lost session time for something outside of my control and that I had a right to tell her that, that it was her being inflexible, not me, and she will get angry and defensive again. I’m scared that she won’t have realised that she shouldn’t have phoned me in a triggered and angered state, that she won’t apologise and will make it all my fault.

I’m scared all this will make me go in and pretend and take all responsibility and acknowledge that I am too much and beg her not to give up on me, that I will try harder, that I shouldn’t have emailed.

I’m scared she will tell me off for reaching out and getting support and not holding things myself and bringing them to therapy to work through live in the room. I’m scared she was reading my blog earlier this week and will be pissed at the way I’ve portrayed her and the things I’ve said about her. I’m scared she’ll confront me about blogging and I’m scared she won’t admit she has been snooping on my blog but that what she has seen will be in the field anyway.

I’m scared Monday will be awful and I will be plunged back into the pit of panic and despair that I am barely clawing my way out of now, that all the big stuff I have on at work (starting with a very important 8am meeting on Tuesday…) will get fucked up and the huge week ahead I have will be an impossible struggle and a sign of my incompetence. I’m scared of having another week like I’ve just had, and that we won’t be able to hold it together this time and I will lose my job.

I’m scared of telling her she fucked up and let me down this week, that she behaved like my mum, threw her shit at me and left me to hold it all, even though she knew how much it would hurt and disrupt me. I’m scared if I tell her she will leave me.

Can’t do this

This is the post I wrote on Friday, managed to get a copy before everything disappeared!

This week has been so awful. I cannot actually believe how awful it has been. I cannot believe K and I have a rupture of this size. This has never happened before. Every so often it just seems so ridiculous. Maybe I should just go on Monday and pretend all is fine. Maybe I am just over-reacting.

I got to the GPs for my appointment at 9.10 this morning, only to find I’d missed it and it was at 8.50. Cue sobbing breakdown on receptionist. Another GP agreed to see me. She was okay, gave me some more meds which is the main thing, just to get me through the next week. I sometimes wonder what they must think, all this turmoil caused by “the therapy relationship” – something that is meant to help causing so much pain?

I’ve not heard back from L, the therapist I contacted on Tuesday evening. After she said she was happy to work with me I emailed back about fees, times and session length, and also asked if we could do a one-off session to help me work out what to do. This was at 8am on Wednesday (what is with me sending emails at that time? Clearly it causes problems!!) and I’ve not heard back. So now I’m freaking out that I’ve already fucked up Plan B. And also – even if she is just busy, what if I was working with her and had a crisis? K has always made time for me when there’s been a crisis, even on a weekend. Partly that’s why I was so surprised on Tuesday that she knew I was activated and didn’t offer an extra session.

My system still feels suspended in some kind of unreality. I’ve only eaten two or three things (soup, a salad, a roll) since Monday and that is bringing some relief, but also I don’t want to break the spell and eat. I can’t even explain what I mean by that. Last night I had a full-blown panic attack. That’s never happened before (my default is physical pain and dissociation) although I have had a feeling where I couldn’t take in air a few times, but not like last night. I didn’t realise it was a panic attack, but the GP today said that’s what it was.

I didn’t email K today. I couldn’t bring myself to message her on the day of the week we always check-in via email, even if it was to tell her I don’t feel able to come on Monday because I am scared she will be angry and defensive again. I couldn’t be predictable like that and do what I always do. I needed her to notice my absence. Even when I’ve been in a really triggered space before, caught in disorganised attachment turmoil, desperate to reach out but terrified to in case it makes me too much and makes her go away, I’ve always contacted her on a Friday, even if just to say I’m in a bad place but safe. I couldn’t do that today. I needed her to notice. A small part of me hoped she might reach out today if she didn’t hear from me, just to check I’m okay, but I know that whilst this is the human thing to do, it is not a “therapist” thing to do (mind you, neither is calling a client in anger!). So I’m disappointed but not surprised. I will decide over the weekend what to do about Monday. I just can’t face more dysregulation.

I still can’t believe that even if we repair this rupture we will never cycle again. She will encourage me, all of me, to ‘bring my feelings about it to therapy’ (ugh) but ultimately she will keep to her decision that I am too inflexible to do something where there is a chance of disruption. Because she doesn’t think she should have extended my session time, she thinks that I should just have accepted the loss of time as it is something that might happen if we cycle. The way she said ‘we won’t be cycling again’ just keeps going over and over in my head and it hurts so much.

I don’t want to lose her, obviously, but I don’t know how the trust can be rebuilt. I don’t know if she will apologise. I don’t know if she will push it all on me and blame my emotional instability and reactiveness. And maybe I don’t want to find out. Maybe it will be less painful just to run away and never have to see her again. I don’t know if she will be willing to try and make this better. I’m scared she’ll take away the Friday email. She’s already taken away something so magical, something I would have held in my heart forever, even when our time, or her time, is done.

I don’t want to live without her, I don’t want to continue my journey without her by my side. We have had beautiful times in her garden, out cycling, with her dogs, doing craft together, having stories read to us, film nights with blankets and her dogs and my guinea pigs (not at the same time!), making art in her garden, burning things on a bonfire. We’ve taken our rabbits there twice for her to meet. She has sent beautifully worded emails, texts full of emojis for young parts, lovely cards, photos. She has taken a tiny cuddly Miffy with her on holiday 3 times and taken photos of her in different places (Miffy is my 5 year old part) so that it is like we are still with her. She has emailed on her holidays, messaged from the airport to say she is coming home, text when I’ve been having really difficult times to remind me I can do this. She has lent me books, been on a two week course on DID to learn better how to help me, bought books that will be useful in our work. She has recorded messages saying that she is holding us all in her heart, that we are still joined together and connected even when we are not physically together, that we are in her heart and always will be. She was there when I bought my first house, when I made the decision to become completely estranged from my Mum, when I took action to bring this about. She has helped me pick a secondary school for my daughter, helped me be a better parent, helped me let go of toxic friendships, helped me stay stable-enough to keep working. She knows so much about me. She is the first person ever to see and notice I had alters, to talk to them and be there for them and teach them how to trust. And now she has broken their trust, by behaving just like our Mum. She has proven everybody right – no one is safe. Everyone will hurt us in the end. We are better off alone. 

She told me that what we have cannot be broken, that we will be part of each other forever and nothing will ever change that. I want her to be by my side still and it hurts so much that she is not here. This has been a hellish week and she has not been here. She is not holding me this week, I can feel it. She has cut off from me too. She knows me so well, she knows what this week will have done to me, to all of us, and still she has left me holding it all alone.

What did I do to drive her to this? I’ve pushed before and nearly lost her, two years ago, and this time I really didn’t think I had. I still don’t see that what I did was wrong. I don’t understand how this has happened.

I can’t do this without her. And even if I can – I don’t want to. I want her to make this better and I’m scared she won’t.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

New Blog

This is CB, formerly of fragmentedrainbow. I tried to switch across to use my new blog and everything got deleted! I managed to salvage my last two posts so will add them now, the rest is gone 😦

Anyway, if you’re reading this, thanks for finding me!