Mad

This is Phoebe. I am so fucking mad!!! I am mad with K, mad with all the stupid parts who are attached to her, mad with C who is making us do therapy, mad with my dad for leaving me with my mum even though she was fucking awful, mad with EVERYTHING. What is inside HURTS SO MUCH! I am sick of the little parts pain. I am sick of them needing. I am sick of being me, being alive, being here. I do not want to live anymore.

I told everyone not to trust K. I told them it is NOT SAFE to trust someone and let them in. I warned them she would fuck us over because everyone goes away or hurts us in the end. K is acting like nothing has happened but she has broken the trust of everyone. I was just starting to trust her, I even admitted to her I was attached to her now, and LOOK WHAT SHE HAS DONE. She was fucking horrible on the phone and then hung up and left us all alone and didn’t even check we were okay. I hate her. She has hurt the little ones too much to ever come back from. What will happen to them, to all of us?

Being alive is just fucking awful. It is just pain. I am just a waste of time and space. There is nothing but pain inside. I am alone. She cannot make this better, she will not even try, she will blame it on us. She is worse than my mum because my mum is mentally ill, K just doesn’t give a fuck about us. She is ‘there’ because we pay her. She can change the rules ANY TIME. When she doesn’t want to see us anymore she can just go away. If we need her she is not there. She gets to choose when to care and when not to care because we are HER JOB. It is not real, that’s why she gets to hurt us. I bet she hasn’t even noticed that we are not okay. I was right not to trust her and I will never let her in again. She has hurt the little ones and it will never be okay ever again.