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All the fears

This is the post I wrote yesterday

So many fears today.

I’m scared after this week that I am just not cut out for therapy, that I can’t handle ‘being in relationship’ and I would be better off resigning myself to a life without connection and intimacy. Without being in therapy maybe I would stop lurching from crisis to crisis, and could find some sort of stability, even if it means I am disconnected from myself and the world, even if it means I stay single and alone forever.

I’m scared because this will happen again. I’m scared because it has only been two and a half months since the last huge crisis, where K had said that she had been thinking I might be better off under the CMHT and was worried she wasn’t enough, where I was convinced I would get there and she would say she couldn’t work with me anymore. I’m scared me kicking off about the lost session time/money will make her think again that I would be better off getting support on the NHS for free, because obviously money is a big issue for me (even though I know I wouldn’t get what I need on the NHS, and even though Monday wasn’t about the money at all really, but the loss of my precious session time).

I’m scared by this week’s disintegration. This rupture came out of nowhere. I’m scared it will happen again, or won’t be repaired in time, and I’ll be plunged again into a state that will wreck the good stuff I have booked in the coming months (taking my daughter to see Taylor Swift at Wembley (!!!), going to a festival to perform 3 times with my choir, a 5 day trip to see friends from my undergrad days).

I’m scared cycling really is over and that because of this young and teenage parts will never be able to trust her or feel safe with her again. I am scared of the pain of working through this loss, and the fears that will arise in terms of what else might get taken away if we misbehave i.e. share our feelings with her.

I am scared by how hurt I am that K has taken away the cycling adventure we had planned for Monday. Everyone in the system was so excited about this. K was excited too. It was something so special. It was her idea. She even emailed me with a map of our route after she had looked it up, even though she almost never contacts me first. I am scared of how big the feelings about this will be when they hit. She will help me process them, but I will still have to face the reality that she has taken this away from us all because I am ‘inflexible’ and ‘too reactive’.

I’m scared how even after all this time in therapy, self-care has gone totally out the window this week – I’ve stopped eating, not been on my bike or to the gym, not meditated or practiced yoga. (I acknowledge I have also not drunk alcohol, taken class As, smoked cigarettes or self-harmed, and that I have reached out on here, got meds from the GP, not lashed out and sent angry texts or emails to K, drunk water still, and got what I needed to done at work).

I’m scared I will go on Monday and Kay will be angry and tell me off for emailing. I am scared she will tell me I am never allowed to email again (and hence take away the Friday email which has never caused problems and has been so holding and important in our relationship). I am scared if she does this it will mean a whole week without contact every week – I don’t feel able to hold everything myself for all that time. I am scared without Friday contact my brain will wipe her away every week, like it used to.

I’m scared she will have realised she cannot hold my huge process and emotional reactions anymore. I’m scared that even if she has realised that it wasn’t me but something I triggered in her, that she will still have decided she can’t work with me anymore because my process triggers something too big in her. Like when we decide we can’t have someone in our lives anymore because of what they bring up in us, even though we know it is not really them, but us – we have to protect ourselves by getting out anyway. I’m scared this will happen with her, that she will need to protect herself from whatever it is that I trigger in her that made her react like that.

I’m scared I’ve pushed too much, that she is overwhelmed and exhausted. I’m scared even if she doesn’t say this is the end she will say we cannot do a double session anymore because she is tired of me and part of the reason she lost her shit on me on Tuesday was because our session was so draining. She has said in the past that working with me and all the parts is ‘a lot’. What if ‘a lot’ has just become ‘too much’?

I am scared she is not who I thought she is, because she reacted on Tuesday in a way I never would have expected and has not been in touch to apologise. I’m scared because she must have wanted to hurt me by calling me like that – she will have known what taking cycling away would do to all of us, and how hurt we would be by how she was on the phone and the way she disconnected from us, and she did it anyway. I’m scared she will be embarrassed by her behaviour and yet will continue to project it onto me by not acknowledging that she should not have called me when she was angry and triggered and then put the phone down on me. I’m scared she’ll use it as evidence of my emotional instability and inability to hold my emotional reactions myself.

I’m scared if I tell her how horrendous this week has been she will take it as more evidence that therapy is not helping and that she is not enough for me. I’m scared she will be worried in case this happens again between us, and will decide I am too reactive, unstable and volatile to work with safely. I’m scared I’ll have to keep things hidden because my emotional reactions are too much for her.

I’m scared if I tell her I think she made mistakes last week then it will be the end of us forever. I’m scared if I assert myself then Monday’s session will be another shit-show, that she will be defensive and angry and more punishing and shaming of my feelings. I’m scared I will lose my shit with her and drive her away. I’m scared she is not able to be the therapist I need. I’m scared she only likes ‘compliant’ me. I’m scared she can’t help me learn it is safe to express my feelings and tell people when they have pissed me off. I’m scared that I will try and read the letter sharing my view that I should not have lost session time for something outside of my control and that I had a right to tell her that, that it was her being inflexible, not me, and she will get angry and defensive again. I’m scared that she won’t have realised that she shouldn’t have phoned me in a triggered and angered state, that she won’t apologise and will make it all my fault.

I’m scared all this will make me go in and pretend and take all responsibility and acknowledge that I am too much and beg her not to give up on me, that I will try harder, that I shouldn’t have emailed.

I’m scared she will tell me off for reaching out and getting support and not holding things myself and bringing them to therapy to work through live in the room. I’m scared she was reading my blog earlier this week and will be pissed at the way I’ve portrayed her and the things I’ve said about her. I’m scared she’ll confront me about blogging and I’m scared she won’t admit she has been snooping on my blog but that what she has seen will be in the field anyway.

I’m scared Monday will be awful and I will be plunged back into the pit of panic and despair that I am barely clawing my way out of now, that all the big stuff I have on at work (starting with a very important 8am meeting on Tuesday…) will get fucked up and the huge week ahead I have will be an impossible struggle and a sign of my incompetence. I’m scared of having another week like I’ve just had, and that we won’t be able to hold it together this time and I will lose my job.

I’m scared of telling her she fucked up and let me down this week, that she behaved like my mum, threw her shit at me and left me to hold it all, even though she knew how much it would hurt and disrupt me. I’m scared if I tell her she will leave me.

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