Can’t do this

This is the post I wrote on Friday, managed to get a copy before everything disappeared!

This week has been so awful. I cannot actually believe how awful it has been. I cannot believe K and I have a rupture of this size. This has never happened before. Every so often it just seems so ridiculous. Maybe I should just go on Monday and pretend all is fine. Maybe I am just over-reacting.

I got to the GPs for my appointment at 9.10 this morning, only to find I’d missed it and it was at 8.50. Cue sobbing breakdown on receptionist. Another GP agreed to see me. She was okay, gave me some more meds which is the main thing, just to get me through the next week. I sometimes wonder what they must think, all this turmoil caused by “the therapy relationship” – something that is meant to help causing so much pain?

I’ve not heard back from L, the therapist I contacted on Tuesday evening. After she said she was happy to work with me I emailed back about fees, times and session length, and also asked if we could do a one-off session to help me work out what to do. This was at 8am on Wednesday (what is with me sending emails at that time? Clearly it causes problems!!) and I’ve not heard back. So now I’m freaking out that I’ve already fucked up Plan B. And also – even if she is just busy, what if I was working with her and had a crisis? K has always made time for me when there’s been a crisis, even on a weekend. Partly that’s why I was so surprised on Tuesday that she knew I was activated and didn’t offer an extra session.

My system still feels suspended in some kind of unreality. I’ve only eaten two or three things (soup, a salad, a roll) since Monday and that is bringing some relief, but also I don’t want to break the spell and eat. I can’t even explain what I mean by that. Last night I had a full-blown panic attack. That’s never happened before (my default is physical pain and dissociation) although I have had a feeling where I couldn’t take in air a few times, but not like last night. I didn’t realise it was a panic attack, but the GP today said that’s what it was.

I didn’t email K today. I couldn’t bring myself to message her on the day of the week we always check-in via email, even if it was to tell her I don’t feel able to come on Monday because I am scared she will be angry and defensive again. I couldn’t be predictable like that and do what I always do. I needed her to notice my absence. Even when I’ve been in a really triggered space before, caught in disorganised attachment turmoil, desperate to reach out but terrified to in case it makes me too much and makes her go away, I’ve always contacted her on a Friday, even if just to say I’m in a bad place but safe. I couldn’t do that today. I needed her to notice. A small part of me hoped she might reach out today if she didn’t hear from me, just to check I’m okay, but I know that whilst this is the human thing to do, it is not a “therapist” thing to do (mind you, neither is calling a client in anger!). So I’m disappointed but not surprised. I will decide over the weekend what to do about Monday. I just can’t face more dysregulation.

I still can’t believe that even if we repair this rupture we will never cycle again. She will encourage me, all of me, to ‘bring my feelings about it to therapy’ (ugh) but ultimately she will keep to her decision that I am too inflexible to do something where there is a chance of disruption. Because she doesn’t think she should have extended my session time, she thinks that I should just have accepted the loss of time as it is something that might happen if we cycle. The way she said ‘we won’t be cycling again’ just keeps going over and over in my head and it hurts so much.

I don’t want to lose her, obviously, but I don’t know how the trust can be rebuilt. I don’t know if she will apologise. I don’t know if she will push it all on me and blame my emotional instability and reactiveness. And maybe I don’t want to find out. Maybe it will be less painful just to run away and never have to see her again. I don’t know if she will be willing to try and make this better. I’m scared she’ll take away the Friday email. She’s already taken away something so magical, something I would have held in my heart forever, even when our time, or her time, is done.

I don’t want to live without her, I don’t want to continue my journey without her by my side. We have had beautiful times in her garden, out cycling, with her dogs, doing craft together, having stories read to us, film nights with blankets and her dogs and my guinea pigs (not at the same time!), making art in her garden, burning things on a bonfire. We’ve taken our rabbits there twice for her to meet. She has sent beautifully worded emails, texts full of emojis for young parts, lovely cards, photos. She has taken a tiny cuddly Miffy with her on holiday 3 times and taken photos of her in different places (Miffy is my 5 year old part) so that it is like we are still with her. She has emailed on her holidays, messaged from the airport to say she is coming home, text when I’ve been having really difficult times to remind me I can do this. She has lent me books, been on a two week course on DID to learn better how to help me, bought books that will be useful in our work. She has recorded messages saying that she is holding us all in her heart, that we are still joined together and connected even when we are not physically together, that we are in her heart and always will be. She was there when I bought my first house, when I made the decision to become completely estranged from my Mum, when I took action to bring this about. She has helped me pick a secondary school for my daughter, helped me be a better parent, helped me let go of toxic friendships, helped me stay stable-enough to keep working. She knows so much about me. She is the first person ever to see and notice I had alters, to talk to them and be there for them and teach them how to trust. And now she has broken their trust, by behaving just like our Mum. She has proven everybody right – no one is safe. Everyone will hurt us in the end. We are better off alone. 

She told me that what we have cannot be broken, that we will be part of each other forever and nothing will ever change that. I want her to be by my side still and it hurts so much that she is not here. This has been a hellish week and she has not been here. She is not holding me this week, I can feel it. She has cut off from me too. She knows me so well, she knows what this week will have done to me, to all of us, and still she has left me holding it all alone.

What did I do to drive her to this? I’ve pushed before and nearly lost her, two years ago, and this time I really didn’t think I had. I still don’t see that what I did was wrong. I don’t understand how this has happened.

I can’t do this without her. And even if I can – I don’t want to. I want her to make this better and I’m scared she won’t.

I don’t want to do this anymore.