K just emailed to cancel our session tomorrow because she is ill. Whilst this gives me a week to try and restabilise and means my week ahead won’t be thrown into disarray, it is also a fucker because I just want to go and face her and get the rupture repair started. And I’m worried by next Monday the anger will have dissipated and dissociation will have set in and I’ll never get to tell her how hurt and angry and traumatised I have been. Instead the parts will just never trust her again, never feel safe with her again. They will disappear, never to be heard from again because she has broken us.
Plus her email started ‘I hope this email finds you well’ which makes us all so fucking mad. Does she have no idea what she has done? No, not ‘well,’ not well at all in fact because of you. She said she was very sorry she wouldn’t be able to work tomorrow, but why can’t she just be fucking human and acknowledge that it would have been good to try and sort out the mess we are in?
So straight after getting her email I managed to reverse into my neighbour’s brand new white shiny car and scratch it – for fuck’s sake. I don’t know how this even works on insurance (I’m fully comp) but presumably I will have to pay an excess and lose my no claims discount as it is not protected. Argh, could so do without everything today.
And now another week holding all of this. Phoebe, a teen part, is absolutely losing her shit right now (ranting post imminent). So the goal will be to spend tomorrow really, truly restabilising – sort house, yoga, gym, cycle, meditate, try to eat at least semi-normally, because I can’t do another week like I’ve just done. I do not want my attachment to someone else to fuck my life up so much. I do not want the actions of someone else to fucking shatter me. My Mum did that already. I want to shut K out forever.
Does she even know how fucking awful things feel?