“I hope this email finds you well”

K just emailed to cancel our session tomorrow because she is ill. Whilst this gives me a week to try and restabilise and means my week ahead won’t be thrown into disarray, it is also a fucker because I just want to go and face her and get the rupture repair started. And I’m worried by next Monday the anger will have dissipated and dissociation will have set in and I’ll never get to tell her how hurt and angry and traumatised I have been. Instead the parts will just never trust her again, never feel safe with her again. They will disappear, never to be heard from again because she has broken us.

Plus her email started ‘I hope this email finds you well’ which makes us all so fucking mad. Does she have no idea what she has done? No, not ‘well,’ not well at all in fact because of you. She said she was very sorry she wouldn’t be able to work tomorrow, but why can’t she just be fucking human and acknowledge that it would have been good to try and sort out the mess we are in?

So straight after getting her email I managed to reverse into my neighbour’s brand new white shiny car and scratch it – for fuck’s sake. I don’t know how this even works on insurance (I’m fully comp) but presumably I will have to pay an excess and lose my no claims discount as it is not protected. Argh, could so do without everything today.

And now another week holding all of this. Phoebe, a teen part, is absolutely losing her shit right now (ranting post imminent). So the goal will be to spend tomorrow really, truly restabilising – sort house, yoga, gym, cycle, meditate, try to eat at least semi-normally, because I can’t do another week like I’ve just done. I do not want my attachment to someone else to fuck my life up so much. I do not want the actions of someone else to fucking shatter me. My Mum did that already. I want to shut K out forever.

Does she even know how fucking awful things feel?

17 thoughts on ““I hope this email finds you well””

    1. It is really frustrating! She just said I could roll the payment over to next month and didn’t say anything about working later in the week so I don’t think I’ll ask. Normally she would try and fit me in another time (she’s only been ill once before and that was 2 1/2 years ago, but if she is away or I can’t go) because she knows I struggle without my sessions. So the fact she didn’t say this means she’s either really ill (she said it’s a horrible virus) or really pissed at me still! Btw I commented on your post earlier, but my comments are vanishing. I hope you are feeling a little better today? xxx

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    1. I don’t think so because it’s Bank Holiday and she usually only sees me those days because I struggle so much with breaks. We also had a 4 hour session booked for our trip up until Tuesday when she took it away. I guess she was just not thinking, or didn’t want to ‘do therapy via email’ and mention the rupture. Argh. It’s all very annoying!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I hate to be that person who tries to be positive about a totally shit situation but maybe in a way its for the best..? Like you said you have a tough week at work and however the session had gone it would have reactivated everything.. At least this way you know how you’re going in to this week? But still.. Ugh! 😔💖🌺

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      1. Yep, I completely agree. I’m cross about the ‘hope you are well’ (though maybe she genuinely does hope I am okay by now!) and that I will probably have dissociated everything by the time I see her next week, but I am going to really focus on restabilising tomorrow with doing some work to get ahead for the week, cycling, going to the gym and doing some yoga. Also I think it would have been so painful to meet tomorrow and not be doing the cycling adventure therapy session so perhaps it is better this way. I’m done holding all this but at least I won’t be holding extra this week if she loses her shit again!!

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      1. Nervy B Society

        NBS for short which can also stand for no bullshit cos we don’t take fuckin bullshit from no one least of all our therapists (lmao how clear is it on a scale of one to ten that I’ve gone slightly nuts?)

        so wait would you say it’s better or worse not having the session in this instance? are you going to have another week so activated or are you settling now??? like a bit I mean

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      2. 12???

        Worse but also better…. Like I wanted to sort it. But also I am settling a little and went out on my bike and engaged with pets this evening, so maybe it’s better that I won’t be plunged into turmoil again tomorrow.

        But also BAD because I would find a 2 week gap with no contact really fucking tough at the best of times, and basically now I’ve got to hold it all for another week. So on balance – worse. But not like ‘I want to die’ worse…

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      3. Hmm ok there’s a whole load of shite bound up in this isn’t there. I’m glad you were able to cycle and be with pets – cos pets fucking rock. Oh well. Fuck. I take it you’re not going to ask for a session another time this week? I’m blown away that you got thru this week without reaching out to her also btw. Like congrats to you honestly. I would literally never be able to do that so I’m in awe… ☄

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      4. Nope, not gonna ask. She fucking knows how tough I would find an unexpected break so if she doesn’t offer then fuck her (not taking no BS!!). I cannot believe I’ve not reached out either, but also I haven’t even wanted to because she hurt me so much which has NEVER happened before. Normally I would have text to check ‘we are okay’ and that she isn’t going to terminate me next session…. But then normally I’ve been able to see my part in a problem, or that it was me thinking she hated me because I was projecting, but this time it feels like all her (or 95% her shit at least) and she knows me so well that she will know how I’ve been this week. I can’t even bring myself to reply to her email saying tomorrow is cancelled. Like, I really fucking love her so I care that she is so unwell, but I can’t just say ‘get well soon’ as though all is fine.

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