Today everything is shut down. My energy is practically non-existent. My eyes feel all wrong. It’s like being tired but it’s not really that. Dissociation. Everything is weak. Cannot be bothered with anything. I’m basically letting my daughter sit watching telly because I have no energy to interact or go anywhere.
I am done with this fight.
What has happened with K is just another example of how I fuck up everything because my emotional reactions are so huge. Why am I even trying to ‘get better’? What does that even mean?
I don’t want to do therapy anymore. I just want to disconnect and hide forever. I don’t have the energy to mend this rupture. I don’t have the energy for honesty and owning my feelings and telling her she hurt me. I don’t have the energy tomorrow for a difficult session. I don’t even know what time we are meant to be meeting because we were meeting earlier to do the huge long session. I don’t want to sit with her empathising about how painful it all is, making it about my feelings instead of her actions. Why is it no matter what I do and what happens to me it is always my fault?
She has broken us. Maybe I am better off letting her.
I don’t have the strength to feel the feelings that have come up this week and make sense of them. I don’t have the strength to defend and assert myself and tell my side of things. I will mess it up even more. I don’t want to see that side of her again. I don’t want to get in trouble again just for being me, just for saying how I feel and what I think.
I just want to be left alone to rot. Which is basically what K has done this week.