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The gaping hole in me

Attachment pain is at its worst this evening. There is just this gaping hole in my core that nothing will ever fill. I feel so completely alone in the world. I want K but she is not mine to want, to need. There is nothing that will ever fill this hole in me. I am empty. I was never given what I needed to live a full life. I get snatches of it now and then, but I am left holding myself, and not doing a very good job of it. There are no words to describe the fucking gut-wrenching agony when this hits. Even if K were here, it is too fucking late. This hole is one I must learn to live with. I cannot think of anything more unfair than that, having to carry this for eternity because my parents didn’t have it in them to love me. I see so many going through the same and it is just not fucking fair.

This evening I want to die. Again. The past two weeks have been more than I can cope with. Yesterday I had an incredibly triggering 3 hours with a young person who disclosed incest and multiple rapes to me. This is not in my capacity to deal with, not meant to be in my role at all. I was with her for 3 hours, till 8pm. My heart was racing the whole time she was there. She was dissociating so much, zoning out for minutes at a time and I just knew she was completely gone, no awareness of me at all –  on top of the other stuff it was also so triggering being on the receiving end of that. Genuinely do not know how K works with me! Any other week I would have reached out to K after something like that.

I was activated all night and then so dissociated today. I spoke with my line manager and he told me to take the day off. I fought with myself over whether to contact K, to ask for a phone session to help me deal with this. I didn’t. We usually have an email check-in Fridays but with the rupture I just didn’t want to contact her. I did in the end, at 5pm, but it was such an internal battle with all the parts wanting different things. She was validating and said the right things, about me being in shock and needing to get into water, but it just wasn’t enough. It left me feeling completely empty and more alone than ever. She can never be enough to fill this hole in me. Like she said back in February, learning to be with this pain, this annihilation, is my life’s work. Well I’m fucking done with the hard work and never seeming to get anywhere. Why does this pain never get any easier?

And K’s virus from Monday, as I had suspected/feared, is a flare up of her autoimmune disease (hashimoto’s) so she’s been in hospital having scans and bloods taken today. Cue fucking meltdown because one day she will not be here. And because she may get tired of me, she may tell me on Monday she can’t work with me/needs to reduce our session length/needs to take extended leave/is taking early retirement next year. None of these things are beyond the realm of possibility, none of them are my overactive imagination around things going wrong. She has told me working with me is ‘a lot’, and I get that, but what if it is now ‘too much’ because of her flare up?

And it HURTS. Being me, all alone really fucking hurts. It hurts that she is not mine, that her health will come first (as it should). I am not her daughter, not someone whose interests are on a par with her own. And if she stops work I won’t see her anymore. I will be left trying to piece myself back together with someone else, trying to recover from the loss of her with someone new, someone the parts don’t know, someone who is just not K. I’ve always felt so fucking lucky to have her, aside from this rupture and the few times she has not reacted well to criticism, our alliance is so fucking strong and the way we work is everything I/we need. But I don’t have her, not really, she is not mine.

And it hurts that someone else has this much power in my life and can take themselves away from me if they need to without me having any say in it at all. I work so hard to build good things for myself and my daughter, to see friends and do new things, to take care of myself, to make new connections, to fill myself. But the truth is I can’t. And sometimes only K will do, only her words will soothe, only her presence can settle things internally, only her hope can hold me, only her responses reach me. In large part I started therapy because I wanted to get well in time to have a ‘proper’ family – a husband/wife and a baby, a step-parent and sibling for my daughter. I don’t want more children now, having realised the extent of the emotional health problems I will always live with in some form, but I do want a partner. So I persevere in therapy in the hopes it takes me someplace better, enables me to live and love and be loved. But it means depending on someone who is not mine to depend on and feeling their absence so fucking strongly at times that I cannot bear it.

I don’t know how we will mend things on Monday. I don’t know how I will be honest knowing that she is exhausted and run down with the hashimoto’s. I don’t know how I will ever tell her how bad the last 2 weeks have been for me because what if she gets scared of how important she is to me and goes away? And now my daughter has a horrendous sickness bug so what are the chances I get it and can’t go on Monday? Another week of this is not something I can even bear to think about. I just want to see her and find our way back to each other. I don’t even care if she doesn’t apologise. I just want her to be okay and for us to be okay.

Being apart from her tonight is horrendous. I cannot live in this pain. Attachment agony. Every fucking minute is like an eternity when this hits.

19 thoughts on “The gaping hole in me”

    1. Thank you. I can’t believe it’s been so long we’ve never had anything like this before. So hope I don’t catch my daughter’s bug and have to cancel my session!!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling that annihilating attachment pain. It’s really horrific so u have my full sympathy. I have hope that we won’t always feel it to that level. I refuse to believe it. What a day you’ve had! Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, hug gratefully received. Trying to get it together at home this morning and if my daughter’s well enough pop out on my bike this afternoon 💗 everything feels too much though, blurgh!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Energetic centre of the third chakra (solar plexus) in indian medicine – it is where we feel our sense of self. So a disturbance in that area energetically I.e. emotionally causes all kinds of pain and symptoms there (I get sudden vomiting if I think I’ve upset someone because my sense if self is so tied in to how others think of me – thanks mum!). This is how I’ve made sense of it anyway. Part of my orthorexia involved getting really obsessed about chakra/energy healing and trying to make sense of it all x

        Liked by 1 person

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