Different day, different me

I’m not entirely sure where the attachment pain has gone, but for now that gaping hole seems to be full of something, or at least it’s edges and depths are not burning and gnawing and causing intolerable pain.

Today started badly, dissociated and heavy and weepy and unsure how I would get through it and get done what I needed to at home. I lost my shit via text at my acupuncturist (who was my main attachment person for many, many years before I started work with K nearly 3 years ago) about how not everyone feels this fucking bad nearly all the time, had a bath, still felt rubbish, but encouraged (aka forced) myself to get moving getting stuff sorted at home. Overwhelm began to set in (how come there is always so much to do with running a house and organising a child?!) but I managed to reassure young parts, who freak out about things being out of control and there being too much to do and getting in trouble, that all was in hand. As the house began to get back to some semblance of order I felt my energy and mood lift. I do have aspects of OCPD, not the full diagnosis, and definitely a tidy and under control house is a must if I don’t want emotional flashbacks and overwhelm to set in. Today was a good reminder of that. Instead of fighting it, it is caring for myself and all the traumatised parts to try and keep stuff under control more-or-less so there isn’t suddenly too much to do all in one go.

My daughter is feeling better, but in that nice (for me) ill stage of just wanting to lay in bed watching Taylor Swift on YouTube. Given how ill she was yesterday I let her do this today without guilt. I took myself out for a short bike ride by the canal and had a coffee. I began to feel part of the world again. I’ve eaten like a normal-ish person today (a healthy normal person). After tea I went for another bike ride – hilly this time and out in the countryside and I was so aware that the world was 3D again and in technicolour and just so fucking beautiful and alive. I felt so different from yesterday – strong, energised and alive too – part of the world, not horribly cut off and disconnected like I have been since Tuesday. I don’t feel like this nearly enough, especially since starting therapy and starting to really go there with what’s inside, but when it happens it makes all my hard work feel worthwhile. When afternoons like this happen it feels like maybe one day I will get to a better place – like where I was before my friend died just over 3 years ago only better, because I won’t be hiding all the shadows of myself and reacting and behaving in ways that make no sense.

I am still very apprehensive about seeing K and what will happen on Monday, but I have faith that our relationship is strong enough to sort this. And she has had plenty of time to think through her reaction and work out how to repair it too. It is not all on me.