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Different day, different me

I’m not entirely sure where the attachment pain has gone, but for now that gaping hole seems to be full of something, or at least it’s edges and depths are not burning and gnawing and causing intolerable pain.

Today started badly, dissociated and heavy and weepy and unsure how I would get through it and get done what I needed to at home. I lost my shit via text at my acupuncturist (who was my main attachment person for many, many years before I started work with K nearly 3 years ago) about how not everyone feels this fucking bad nearly all the time, had a bath, still felt rubbish, but encouraged (aka forced) myself to get moving getting stuff sorted at home. Overwhelm began to set in (how come there is always so much to do with running a house and organising a child?!) but I managed to reassure young parts, who freak out about things being out of control and there being too much to do and getting in trouble, that all was in hand. As the house began to get back to some semblance of order I felt my energy and mood lift. I do have aspects of OCPD, not the full diagnosis, and definitely a tidy and under control house is a must if I don’t want emotional flashbacks and overwhelm to set in. Today was a good reminder of that. Instead of fighting it, it is caring for myself and all the traumatised parts to try and keep stuff under control more-or-less so there isn’t suddenly too much to do all in one go.

My daughter is feeling better, but in that nice (for me) ill stage of just wanting to lay in bed watching Taylor Swift on YouTube. Given how ill she was yesterday I let her do this today without guilt. I took myself out for a short bike ride by the canal and had a coffee. I began to feel part of the world again. I’ve eaten like a normal-ish person today (a healthy normal person). After tea I went for another bike ride – hilly this time and out in the countryside and I was so aware that the world was 3D again and in technicolour and just so fucking beautiful and alive. I felt so different from yesterday – strong, energised and alive too – part of the world, not horribly cut off and disconnected like I have been since Tuesday. I don’t feel like this nearly enough, especially since starting therapy and starting to really go there with what’s inside, but when it happens it makes all my hard work feel worthwhile. When afternoons like this happen it feels like maybe one day I will get to a better place – like where I was before my friend died just over 3 years ago only better, because I won’t be hiding all the shadows of myself and reacting and behaving in ways that make no sense.

I am still very apprehensive about seeing K and what will happen on Monday, but I have faith that our relationship is strong enough to sort this. And she has had plenty of time to think through her reaction and work out how to repair it too. It is not all on me.

7 thoughts on “Different day, different me”

    1. Exactly. I just need to trust that she will have thought about how to fix things too. I know she will want us to fix things, after all this time and how invested she is, and that helps a lot I think.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. “Instead of fighting it, it is caring for myself and all the traumatised parts to try and keep stuff under control more-or-less so there isn’t suddenly too much to do all in one go.”
    THIS! I read a book based on self care recently and they helped me see that self care isn’t just “put on face mask”, “took a bath”, “read a book”… it’s actually “cleaned out the fridge”, “did my taxes” yadda yadda because it’s caring for ourselves making sure the environment in which we live etc is going to help ourselves feel OK too. Might sound obvious to some people but to me it was a game-changer lol.

    I’m glad it’s nearly Monday so you and K (I just realised we use the same initial for therapists now – not intentional!) can begin to sort through things. You’ve done phenomenally well these two weeks xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aw, thank you so much. It’s in large part thanks to you and others on here xx

      And YES! I kept wishing and trying to not care about state of house etc. and then realised that was not caring for myself at all and was expecting something of myself that is impossible given my trauma history and upbringing. It has brought so much relief xx


  2. I really relate to this and I agree with Pixie..Self care is when our adult shows up for our inner child in a responsible way. Doing what needs to be done to take care of ourselves, as opposed to self indulgence and negative self soothing which is always tempting when we feel stressed, triggered or low.

    Liked by 1 person

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