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Not even blood

I just cut up my legs. Fuck this. Three years of therapy and here I am. The same self-harming mess as when I started. Only worse, because now I know what drives me to this. It’s not some abstract pain, it’s the real pain of not having a mother. All this time I’ve paid someone to be my mum and fill me up and let me play pretend and now she is going away BECAUSE SHE CAN. She can leave me. She can walk away. She will be sad but it will not break her. It will not leave her with another hole she cannot fill. My soul is already broken. Why was I ever stupid enough to think it could ever be any different? Why did I let myself love and trust and be cared for by someone who is not mine?

Another summer of hiding. Hiding my skin, hiding my pain, hiding all I could have been and never now will be.

The rest of my life hiding a loss that is more than I can bear.

Not even blood can take away this pain.

12 thoughts on “Not even blood”

  1. Oh CB. I’m so sorry. You are in pain and rightly so. Attachment pain and impending loss of attachment is so gut wrenching. Trusting someone takes so much — especially when it comes to losing someone who has come to be a mother figure of sorts.

    Please take good care of yourself. You deserve that. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to be treated gently, tenderly. Especially right now.

    Sending you tenderness. Sending you support for your grief. I wish I could be there in a room with you and gently bear witness, provide comfort and safety to experience the feelings that are coming up for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Take it easy now CB. Can you call someone to help you with this? A helpline even? You just need to get through the day.

    I think it might help to find another therapist right away, even while you’re winding things down with this T, who is treating you badly, even though she doesn’t mean to. You might need someone to help you through this crisis who isn’t the cause of the pain.

    Please try and have your adult care for your kid parts.

    Take care

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Ellen. I am seeing the other therapist, L, next Thursday. She says we can do some holding sessions in the interim, and when K is away in August in particular, and I can move to her (if it’s right to do so) any time between now and December. My fear is K is ill (she needs to have her thyroid removed) and I don’t want to go every week with this unbearable grief and just wear us both out, but I want a proper ending and to leave things in a good way because we have done so so much good work together.

      I called The Samaritans but the guy was very unhelpful so I am going to try and see if I get through to someone else.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I’m in the UK but got through to someone else at The Samaritans who was slightly better but just kept trying to get me to think of the positives of this relationship ending. Ugh. I feel so completely ridiculous and exhausted and scared to sleep and wake up and this be actually real.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Audrey xx I am hanging in there but this is (as expected whenever I anticipated this moment) the worst emotional crisis I can remember having and she is not there to soothe it and it is just agony. Thank you for thinking of me xx

      Liked by 1 person

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