No more us

TW for more talk of therapist leaving.

I cannot survive this. This pain is too huge, too unbearable. Everywhere I look in my house are things that remind me of K. Because of the amount of work we have done with young parts, she is everywhere in my life, in my home, in my head. Everywhere there are things she has given us, things we have made together, things we have told her about or taken to show her. There are things parts have written about in our journal that she reads every week. We’ve taken our pets to her house numerous times and young parts write about them so much that they help us feel safe in part because they are part of our work. I cannot bear to look at my pets and remember her holding them, remember her telling young parts who needed her to know just how much we love them that she really does know. There are photos of her dog on my wall, he is my screensaver, before he went to live in Portugal our Friday email would always be about him and what he was doing. The photo of the little Miffy she took on holiday with her sitting on the grass in Portugal is my phone screen saver. I’ve spoken to her on the phone in every room of my house, in the garage, in my car. She’s seen photos of so much of my life. My bike reminds me of her, being in nature reminds me of her because she has so often felt like a blanket I could wrap around myself when I am somewhere she would find beautiful too. The sky reminds me of her because when we feel unsafe or there is a special sunset we picture what it would look like in her garden and we will feel a little safer.

I don’t want to live a life without her in it. I don’t want to have to get used to a life without her. I want her to see who I become. I want her to see who my daughter becomes. I wanted her here until I had internalised a sense of safety from her, until my system was integrated, until I knew who I was. And longer. I wanted her here forever. I thought we had so much time.

I am lost without her. She is the first person I let into my heart. My most ashamed and resistant teen part (Phoebe) wrote only 6 weeks ago in our journal that fuck it, she is attached too now and being away from K HURTS. It took so long and now she is going away and leaving us all.

Until March we had met at least twice a week for two and a half years, with phone or email contact every Friday as well. She is woven into the fabric of my life. Even when my brain erases her and I cannot feel her at all, she has been there.

There is already a huge hole because I can feel she has and will have to pull back from me.

I need her to help me hold this today and she can’t. She is not here. And very soon she never will be again.

Even if I can survive this, learning to live a life without her is just too hard. There is too much grief and loss and pain already in my ever-present past. This is a loss too many. I want to wake up and this be a bad dream, not something that happens to me.