Intolerable

I’ve written loads elsewhere this evening but somehow here feels like it will help me make some sense of the turmoil inside my head. Made it to my bed but can’t lay down – it is terrifying. Trying to tell myself (thanks to someone very kind’s reminder) that it’s because I’m blended with young parts and little people can’t go to bed alone easily when things are very scary. It’s helping me feel less of an utter failure for not going to bed when I’m tired and overwhelmed. I can’t think of anything more scary than going to bed. Something bad is happening and sleep is impossible. Being in the dark, alone, feels like torture. I can see how in the future we need to do work around this but for now I’m trying not to yell at the young parts for being so afraid.

I am stuck between two intolerable options. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to end with K sooner (mid-September probably, as the end of July is too soon and she is taking August off this year) rather than later (December) because it is not possible for me to keep working with her and be in this much pain, but the thought of leaving her before I have to is just fucking gut-wrenching. I have no idea what is right. Probably because nothing is right. She said near the beginning of the session today that we need to acknowledge that it might not be possible for me to keep working. I don’t want to dissect my session and open it up to scrutiny, but just her saying this was validating – she knows how difficult this is for me, for all of us. She gets that the pain it is bringing up in me may be more than I can handle.

My gut tells me I’m not done with the work and that I will need to get a new T. I can’t wait a year, or 18 months from now, as it would be. Not for a possibility. And if I’m going to do that then I may as well go now, when there is someone willing and able to work with me, and who can can help me hold this and process the loss. I don’t know how to contain this to 90 minutes a week with K. And dragging out the inevitable ending doesn’t mean it will hurt any less when the time comes. I feel as though however long I stay with her the ultimate ending will be messy and intolerable. I can’t settle into our work knowing the end is coming closer every day. Maybe I’m wrong, but I have no way of knowing. All I have is my gut, which tells me this is more than I can handle. And it’s not like someone with a terminal illness, where a lot of the grieving is done before they actually die, it is someone triggering the fucking ‘mother wound’, the greatest of all losses, in their leaving. Every. Single. Second.

I do not understand how can she be okay with losing me. How can she be okay with saying goodbye to me and never seeing me again? How can she support me in making the right choice for me when it probably means losing me? How can she have spent all these hours with me and then watch me walk away? Does she not care at all? I hate what she must think of me. I hate knowing there will be some relief on her part as well as (maybe) some sadness, relief that she won’t have to hold all this crazy anymore, relief that I will not be her problem. She said what we have is rare and special, but it is not enough. I get why, I get she is ill, but it HURTS SO MUCH that she is so okay with losing me.

I wish I was stronger and able to take a break from therapy so I could keep the possibility of returning to her. I just don’t think I can. Even though therapy is horribly triggering sometimes, I don’t think I can handle this loss without it. I want to be okay without therapy so that K and I take more of a planned break, but as she said last week – who knows where I’ll be and what I’ll need and want in 2020. And parenting is hard and triggering sometimes. And I want a relationship. Maybe I’ll process the loss of K and find I don’t need therapy anymore. Maybe losing her will help me do the work, the final piece, the original wound work. But I am not feeling strong enough to do that work with her, knowing she is going away and our time is limited. I wish I was and could, but I know in my heart that I’m not able to.

K has poured so much into me, so much time and care and love, and yet here I am – still a mess. She must be so disappointed in me. I see all the growth and change in the past 3 years, and yet here I am – parts are still completely terrified to go to bed and be alone. Last week there was a lot of self-harm. Some self-care too. But still…. A fucking disaster.

And how on earth will I transition to a T who has no availability for extra sessions? How will I manage with 60 minutes once a week? How is this ever going to be okay? I don’t want to need what I need. I don’t want attachment to take me to such dark places. I don’t want to be who I am. I don’t want to be this person with this insatiable pit of need. I want to be able to do therapy and get on with my life and just live. I cannot bear the thought of another attachment. If I could do therapy without attachment I would. Maybe there is another way. Maybe therapy will never get me where I think it can. Maybe I am just expecting the impossible, that things can get better than this.

I do not want to lose K. It hurts so much. It hurts and hurts. I know I’m dumb, but somewhere was this hope that feeling the pain of not having a Mum would be easier with her by my side. We both said today how this is all about me not having a Mum. I want to stay and do this work with her, take our time over the ending, but it is triggering depths of pain in me that are unimaginable and I feel so wildly uncontained with it. I can see how working through this with her could help, but I don’t have it in me. I think it is really important that I am acknowledging that, that I’m not just clinging on to her for as long as I can. I am trying to care for myself by accepting that I cannot do this. Even though it means hours where I don’t get to be with her and I could be, it hurts too much to see her every week and know she is going away, know all she is not able to be for me. I am motherless and I can’t let her help me hold that because she is leaving me too.

I’ve not made a decision. We will talk more next week. But I think we both know where this is heading. 6 more sessions, with a month break halfway through. And then I will spend a long, long time grieving for her and all I have lost. I will never again have all I have had from her – safe boundaries but that have been open and flexible enough to really hold me. I have come so far but I am so ashamed that I have not come far enough to make K proud of me before we end. My whole life has been dismantled and I am building it again, but she will never get to see that. She won’t get to see who I become because of her.

Losing her will never be okay. It will be another traumatic loss. And this push/pull place I am in, trying to work out what to do for the best, is fucking intolerable. I am sitting in disorganised attachment hell. End now or work till the end? No swings between the two, just living both at the same time. Pain without resolution. Living like this is intolerable. I just want a mum. I was so drawn to call my own this evening, it just hurts so much to be ending with K and I wanted her to come and help. I know this would end up a disaster, but the pull is so strong. I want someone to hold me through this fucking agony and there is no one. K is everywhere. She is woven in to all of my life. And that means everywhere hurts. I will survive this, and that hurts too because I will have to move into a future without her. A future where everything safe reminds me of her.

 

10 thoughts on “Intolerable”

  1. Oh C!

    I wish there was a quick and painless fix for you. I wish your life experiences were so much different and you didn’t have to go through this pain again.

    I’m not going to lie and say it’s going to be easy–because I know it’s not. I don’t even know if I would be able to do as well as you are doing–and it might not feel like it, but all things considering, I think you’re doing as well as can be expected.

    I hope with all of my heart that things start to get easier for you real soon. I’m here. Please let me know if I can do anything to help you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Kerry xxx I do actually feel like I’m doing well with this, considering. I am falling apart, but also keeping it together better than I would have thought I could if 6 weeks ago you’d told me this would be happening. I think maybe today I got to a point of acceptance that this is going to hurt, that there is nothing I can do to stop it hurting this much. *Just* got to hang on tight. It does feel like absolute hell a lot of the time though. Thanks for being there and I hope you are doing okay xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “If I could do therapy without attachment I would”. This. Ouff. These are my daily thoughts about therapy and the way I feel about therapy in general and T specifically….

        I’m sorry it’s such shit for you… xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve now decided I wish I could do attachment work without therapy… I want someone to suffuse me with a secure attachment without having to go through the agonies of therapy and the therapeutic relationship… Hope you’re hanging on – is it the second break period at the moment? xx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It is the new break, yes. It just started on Saturday, so I don’t really think it’s hit me yet what exactly is going on.
        I’m trying to avoid posting about it in much detail as I had some rather unpleasant comments last round and I find myself being cautious about my feelings towards T and what’s been happening.
        I’m off next week as well (which for some reason always seems easier than when I’m at work), so I plan to keep myself exceptionally busy to avoid feeling anything to do with T and therapy!! :/
        Attachment work is the absolute shit!! If I had known before that this was what would happen (not my original reason for therapy) I would seriously have reconsidered it all together.
        I hope you’re holding up okay xx

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I’m sorry you had negative comments, that is so not what you need at all. I hope you can get through the break okay – email me if it helps. You are strong and will get through it, but I know it is really hard in the meantime. Hang in there xxx

        Like

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