Hope and Rainbows

Things are markedly better this evening than last night. Another night of turbulent dreams left me groggy and dissociated this morning, but I had my first Creative Kinesiology (CK) session today and it has definitely helped shift things energetically. Along with some space for myself both at home and by the sea this afternoon, I am left feeling connected to myself and the rest of the world, and optimistic about my future healing journey. The beach was beautiful this evening – there was a double rainbow over the sea when I arrived and everything was 3D again – colourful and vibrant. And I felt real, alive, spacious and uplifted – like myself again. A good version of myself. I am still fuzzy-headed but nothing like it was last night and in the days up till now.

I can’t really explain what CK is or does, it’s hard to put into words, but it’s basically a way of getting feedback directly from the body, mind and energy systems about the underlying causes of dis-ease and emotional distress. It uses muscle testing and the ancient Chinese energy meridians to help the body/mind to find balance and shift the blocked emotional energy which causes physical and emotional pain and other symptoms. I had some sessions 4 years ago, before I’d had any memories of my childhood come back so before I knew what I was healing from, and found it very powerful for releasing physical pain, connecting to myself, and shifting habitual patterns that were keeping me stuck, so I was hopeful about today and I am glad that it has done what I hoped it would and has confirmed it is a path I would like to follow over the coming months.

I won’t write everything that came up in the session, but the meridian we worked with today was my healing capacity as that was blocked and not functioning well at all. This explains why all the efforts I’ve been putting into healing and self-care have been doing basically zero over the past few weeks, and why I’ve felt so energetically depleted. There was a lot coming up around my kidneys and the emotion fear (in Chinese medicine the kidneys are where the emotional energy of fear is stored), in particular a sense of keeping everything shut down (joy and vitality as well as the dark stuff) because of fear of my emotions. There was a lot of fear about how big the feelings from my childhood still are, and fear of feeling the emotions around my Mum with K being away. And it came up very strongly how stuck in the past trauma my body is, that I am still on sentry duty all the time because my body doesn’t know we are safe now. By the end I definitely felt less afraid of the amount of fear and sadness in me. And I felt more settled internally and like my emotions were safe for me to connect to.

This evening my heart feels open to the pain around K not being here – the loss, the grief, the sadness that she will soon not be part of our life in any present sense. And in opening up to those feelings they actually feel smaller, it feels less important that she is leaving us, because I am here – I am connected to myself and my body and the universe, and in doing that I can also feel K all around me. So when I allow myself and the parts to feel how hard it is without her and how lost and vulnerable we feel about her going away, it enables me to find and hold myself, and then to feel connected to her and able to cope, more than cope – thrive, without her. And I feel more open to the pain around being estranged from my Mum. As Leia (14) wrote in our parts book earlier – “I miss her so much, even though she broke me. She is the only Mum I’ll ever have”. During the CK session someone small inside kept shouting “I haven’t got a Mummy” (which I didn’t share because I haven’t mentioned I have parts/alters yet) and it was clear there is a lot of pain over that. It is huge what my system is coming to terms with and erasing her from my home is massive.

During the CK session, the practitioner held a point on my lower back related to the psoas (fight or flight) muscle and the kidneys. I closed my eyes and had a vision of my Mum crying but at the same time she was drifting further and further away from me, like a helium balloon disappearing into the sky.  She tried to reach me but she had no arms and she couldn’t get me, couldn’t cling to me. I silently told her she had to let me go too, and I acknowledged how painful and tragic this is for her too. And after this I felt much safer in my body, like some of the energetic cords holding me to her were dissolved a little more. It was a really powerful experience.

I am really looking forward to sharing about this session with K after the break. I do miss her a lot, and feel incredibly sad that soon we will be ending our work perhaps forever, but this evening that sadness feels okay. I let some of the younger parts write in our book earlier for the first time since the evening after our last therapy session, and that felt good that I am not shutting them away. It was like I felt able to handle their sadness this evening because I felt steadier in myself. And I was able to provide reassurance and containment for them which is really such a new thing for me to be able to do for my system even some of the time, and feels really quite incredible. And I also feel that K is still a part of me, which is so different from that awful, cut off, disconnected place of extreme DP/DR where I have no real sense of her or our work.

And I feel proud this evening of everything I am doing to try and turn her year off and the end of our work into a positive part of my healing journey. And proud of the work I’m putting in to hold myself and the parts and stay as connected to myself as possible each day. The CK woman I saw today said how important it was to honour my body and mind, even when it is frustrating they are locked in the past, for all their hard work in keeping me alive and helping me survive all I have been through. And she said how brave and courageous I am to be facing all the pain and trauma and being so committed to healing. It was lovely to be reminded of that. Even in that awful state like last night I’ve still been eating right, writing, doing yoga and meditating twice a day. And hopefully now my healing capacity is boosted right up after my session I will start to really experience benefits from all the healing and self-care I am doing at the moment. I am really hoping for a more settled sleep tonight with less crazy dreams…