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Wishes

So I did text K and she replied to say we could do a half hour phone session at 1pm. Phew. I really needed her today and I’m glad she wasn’t thinking she shouldn’t offer extra support because I should be getting used to her not being here. It calmed me a little just knowing she was there and is here still. And her voice is genuinely the most soothing sound I’ve ever heard. I remember thinking what a nice voice she had the first time I spoke to her on the phone, before we met for the first time.

Anyway, having cried most of the morning I managed to do about 20 minutes work, and then called her. I cried throughout most of the phone call, and again most of the afternoon, but I do feel a little more settled now, albeit with an excruciating headache and very puffy, sore eyes. I have to get up at 5.30 tomorrow morning to take Nina to swimming training (a new weekend delight) so am hoping I sleep okay tonight, obviously. I’m going to have a bath and an early night and hope the screaming 4 year old next door doesn’t keep me awake again.

It’s weird how K being there today has made it easier to consider what it will be like to let her go. She said how it can really help to talk about the feelings, to shift them from body sensations into a more cognitive space. So I sobbed out how we hardly had any time left and how much it hurts, how it is so hard because there is so little space for the feelings and I basically have to survive the busiest time of the year at work till 14th December and then we end on the 17th. No space to feel it. And she reminded me how I felt this bad when she met me 3 years ago, and that these feelings are because of the deep and profound attachment wounds I already had, that they transcend her and I and are bigger than the end of therapy. And she reminded me that the pain of not having had a mother is the most devastating thing a human being can endure, apart from that of losing a child. She heard it all and validated it all. And then she made me talk about resources and the house move which annoyed me momentarily because I wanted to poke around at the attachment wound and cry more (lol), but, as always, she knew what she was doing; although the pain of the ending still looms large, it feels less all-consuming – I have a future again. She said her job is to listen to my pain but also to prop me up and help me see the light, and I sobbed (AGAIN) ‘you dooooo prop me up’. More wailing. Honestly, it’s been months since I cried as much as I have today.

She asked where the plans were up to with putting the house on the market and I said my Dad was coming to do some odd jobs next week so I can get it valued the following week and pick an estate agent. And she made me tell her what jobs needed doing and how I will choose an estate agent and everything, trying her best to lift me out of that dark and dismal place where I am consumed by attachment pain and emptiness. And she said how moving away from the site of so much trauma, all the trauma of my childhood, was going to be so healing, that it is the most important thing I can do for myself at the moment, better than any therapy I can do. She said to be living in the countryside, surrounded by nature instead of an industrial estate, and near Nina’s amazing school that I picked for her, away from the place where I am curled up in fear every time I go out in case I see my Mum or her friends, will be transformational for me. And I do agree (but it doesn’t stop me wishing she would stay).

Near the end of the call we took some breaths together and she told me to let the things we had talked about and all the big thoughts and feelings settle inside me like glitter in a snow storm (how much do we all LOVE her?!). And we said goodbye and I stayed in bed and cried a whole lot more, but it felt like releasing tears this time and not just re-traumatising myself, because I had been heard and seen. And then I wrote a wish list which I will give her on Monday to read through and respond to the next week, when she’s been able to decide what is possible:

My Wish List

  • To hear that K’s surgery went okay and that she is recovering
  • To hear where K moves to next year (so I know if I still want/need therapy in 2020 whether it will definitely be possible to work with her again)
  • To end therapy in December with the intention of meeting in January 2020 for at least one or two sessions, regardless of where we are both living (she’ll be in the same county but it may be too far to drive to every week) and whether I want/need to be back in regular therapy at that point (i.e. to know we are both intending to definitely meet then, even if it just ends up being a life update)
  • To be able to continue attachment therapy with K
  • To know there is the possibility of moving to fortnightly sessions (which is how I would have liked things for the foreseeable future were we transitioning more naturally to working less intensely) if I don’t need therapy like I do now
  • To be able to send an email if something big happens – new house, promoted/made permanent, experience a whole day where I’m not dissociated – this is what I would have expected to be able to do if we were ending for another reason
  • To end on a double session so we all feel safe on arrival
  • To have an extra session around the end (Fri 14th/Wed 19th) so it’s not straight from penultimate session (10th) to end of term (14th) to last session (17th) with no time to feel in between.

None of these things seem like they are unreasonable and beyond the realms of the possible, but I want her to have some time to consider her responses and work out what she is happy with. Ending with the intention of meeting in January 2020 is the most important one for me, but a whole year with no contact at all because she is recovering and on sabbatical would also be really hard. I’ll see what she says, but I trust her to work with me to make sure this ending isn’t a mess. I am actually really proud of how I’m able to keep working with her and even though I’ve lost a day of work today, I didn’t cut or do anything mental. I’m just really tired and dissociated now and not looking forward to 5.30am at all…

 

 

7 thoughts on “Wishes”

  1. You did AMAZINGLY well today. You told her you needed her and you spoke to her which allowed you to be heard and validated and soothed. You managed not to hurt yourself (or anyone else), you still did some work which is more than many people would have been able to (me!!) and you’ve still been able to get back out of bed, write and you’ll no doubt be cooking dinner and looking after Nina again by the time I post this.

    Your wish list is spot on. You are getting so so good at seeing the reality from the past and accepting and allowing feelings and tears without letting them drown you.

    I am so impressed, as always.

    Keep fighting. Fuck Yo! #FightingSlugs #SlugCombat #BeARabbit

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I ❤️ you!! Haha #bunnydreams #slugonmyleg

      Thank you for everything today. You’re a star 💫 it’s so weird that I knew I needed Kay today and that it would help, and she must have known that too. I’ve not asked for an extra session since February I don’t think 🤔 I am quite tired of being so grown up and resigned to the whole ending thing though, it’s hard work!!!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I just had to seperate from my therapist few months ago due to her changing jobs. I understand all the feelings :(. We had also worked together for three years. And she was my first therapist ever when I first found out what was wrong with me. From experience, I can say that you’ll need all the sessions till then. One other thing that helped me was to make a list of anything I wanted to tell her before we had to stop working together. In my case there wasn’t a possibility to start working again together. The other thing is that like you said she allowed me to email her now, so every month or so I send her a little update and it really helps to deal with the pain of missing her. Other than that I have realized how strong I have become thanks to our work together. I am not the same person I was three years ago. I would suffer if I didn’t see her for a couple of weeks, but now I have been able to deal with not seeing her for a couple of months. I guess all the work we did together – my body and mind are forced to use them as a resource. Lastly, having some other forms of therapy have helped me. I haven’t been able to find a permanent therapist yet. I have been to four different therapist since last seeing her. Most of them online (BetterHelp) and the messaging has helped with the feelings of missing her and helped me cope. My heart hurts knowing how painful this time is and will be for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for leaving this comment, it has really helped to hear from someone who has gone through this. Some days I think I’ll be okay and others I just don’t know how me and my system will survive at all. Did you have a long build up to the actual ending? My heart really hurts for you knowing that working together again is not a possibility for you. I’m not sure if K and I will work together again, so it does seem like a forever ending, but I think knowing it is a possibility is easing this time ever-so-slightly. It’s good you are able to email – because K is taking next year as a sabbatical for her health and to have surgery I’m not sure if emailing is an option. I guess I’ll find out when I give her my wish list. I know what you mean about realising how strong you are and how far you’ve come in your time working with her – I surprised myself as I used to semi-joke that I’d end up in hospital if K ever said she was going away, and whilst June and July were hell-on-earth, I did come through. I’m glad to hear you are getting through, but starting to realise that ending right before Christmas is going to be very hard – there’s no way I’m going to miss a single minute with her before she stops work, but it is really starting to weigh heavy on me. I’m going to try and not move to a new T, but I wonder if this is unrealistic… Have you found the online therapy supportive and validating enough? Thank you again for sharing your experience with me and I hope the pain of missing her starts to ease a little for you soon x

      Liked by 1 person

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