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Sunday evening ramble

Things settled. As they always do. Somehow, now, in the midst of the overwhelm storm I can hold on to the fact that the feelings I am flooded with don’t reflect current day reality. Sure, I have a lot on my plate, but those thoughts of “I can’t cope” and “I can’t keep going, I need to die” are in response to feelings that mostly belong in the past.

The decision-making is done. I viewed the house we liked again on Monday, my offer was accepted, I have the mortgage decision in principle and the memorandum of sale, and all the legal stuff is beginning to happen. House buying laws in England and Wales are ridiculous as anyone can pull out at any time in the process unlike in some other countries where a deposit is paid at a much earlier point in time, providing all parties involved with an element of security. However, I don’t think a reform of our law regarding property ownership is going to happen anytime soon, so, all being well we will hopefully have a completion date of mid-April which fits perfectly with the end of the manic 6 months at work so I couldn’t have asked for better timing for a house move (barring last weekend which was extremely stressful).

I am excited. I am tired today as I’ve worked literally all weekend (Nina was away) and will be working all week as normal too. I’ve sat on the sofa working while next door’s kids have been screaming, shouting, running around and swinging on the banister for 2 whole days. I was woken up at midnight and 7am by the 5-year-old next door screaming. This is frustrating but it is nice to know we only have to put up with this another 2 or 3 months. It doesn’t look like our new neighbours have children (I looked into their garden and there were no children’s toys and the estate agent says they are out all day) and I’ve heard soundproofing in the new builds where we are moving is pretty good. K and I had a big conversation about noise on Monday and I’ve realised this whole experience with our neighbours the past couple of years has tapped into bigger and older experiences of having my sleep disturbed and interrupted by shouting and drunk behaviour when I was growing up. Whenever I hear unexpected noise I feel invaded. My space is intruded upon. I think in part I experience the presence of other people as intrusive – I don’t want to be reminded other people are there at all, especially when I’m in my own home. And the minute I hear noise I go into fight/flight, anticipating something bad is about to happen (which of course it often was when I was a child).

Anyway, so I’m feeling weird about therapy at the moment. I don’t want to go tomorrow really. Last week was triggering because we were excited about the house and showing K pictures and parts were in and out and K struggled to get adult me online and had to be very firm and then someone little pretended to be grown up and she could tell and it was funny but also disconcerting. And then shame swept in because we had shown too much joy and excitement and felt over-exposed. I hate it that showing too much of any kind of emotion is such a huge trigger. I actually get more triggered showing positive emotions than negative ones these days…

And life outside therapy is hard because therapy has changed. The whole dynamic has shifted and it’s good but also hard – it’s as though I’ve reached a more stable place with it, where K’s absence doesn’t consume me and where I don’t think of her much between sessions (compared to how it was at least!), which is great and what the aim is of course, but I am losing something too and that really hurts and young parts absolutely hate it. I miss the times when I desperately needed K, even though those years were completely awful and I needed her all the time and yet couldn’t have her and life was unbearable. I don’t know. It’s weird because I do still need her, but not how it was. And even though I don’t pine for her in the same way life isn’t great either. Life is better, undoubtedly, but still hard and painful and lonely. On Nina’s birthday she got very upset about getting older and wanting to be little again. I cannot compute this because I was always desperate to grow up and leave home, but maybe it is a little like what I am experiencing with K now. Things are changing, I am less enmeshed with her, and it feels a little like I have had something taken away I’m not ready to lose. I also know if she were to go away I wouldn’t cope very well, so…

This weekend has been pretty bad with work and I’m tired and can’t make sense of things so I’ll leave it there.

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