Drowning in dissociation

Things are really awful and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m writing this in a last attempt to settle things because I really don’t want to self-harm and yet that is all I can think to do now. I have to work tomorrow and I need something to stop all the hell that has decided to unleash itself inside me. I feel so fucking alone.

The two and a half week therapy break was a lot harder than I expected. K and I met on Friday and we met again today, and yet despite spending 3 hours with her in the past 4 days and having text contact on Friday evening and this morning I still feel as though I’m on the break because I am so dissociated. I don’t feel as though I’ve seen her. I feel totally cut off from her and I want to die. I just want her. I want to feel connected to her. I feel completely annihilated and swept away on an abandonment tidal wave that isn’t even real. She was there, in the room, and yet I couldn’t reach her. On Friday I didn’t even realise I hadn’t reached her. I thought I was there and normal, but I got home and felt as though I hadn’t seen her at all. I hadn’t even realised the break was hard. I got really badly triggered by something that is actually huge and life-changing – potentially life-threatening – early on in the break, something I won’t write about now but that is really huge, and I needed K to help me hold it and help me keep hold of myself as the grief unfurled and anxiety over the future engulfed me. She wasn’t there and I got completely lost in it. It dominated the session and so we didn’t even talk about the break. She said it was no surprise I’d ended up in such a state over this huge thing during the break, and it wasn’t till I got home that I realised how hard the break had been, how hard it was to be experiencing something so big and not have her to steady me. I wasn’t counting the days or anything, it wasn’t like breaks used to be, and in some ways this seems to have made re-connecting even harder than normal. I pushed it all away because I wanted to be okay with breaks, having grown so much, and I didn’t put any coping strategies in place at all. I was so determined to be fine with breaks now that I ended up struggling really badly. Breaks used to be so awful. I used to always end up in crisis and needing weekend support and extra sessions once they were over. I thought I was past that, having survived and thrived over the month break last August, and having worked towards an ending with K all those months. Evidently not.

And I am so disappointed that this still happens. There were no pre-break meltdowns, we didn’t even talk about it in therapy in the build-up, and Miffy wrote how she was a bit worried but she knew K would come back and that we wouldn’t die. Two days in to the break I realised how my experience when K was away did used to be that I was actually dying, even though when I said I couldn’t survive without her I didn’t realise that is what I was experiencing – it wasn’t till there was a break that didn’t feel life-threatening that I realised that I did feel I was dying before. So I thought I would breeze through the 18 days now I didn’t have a felt sense that my life was in danger, and because I have been managing the time between sessions so well recently and really growing in the time between them.  I had reached a point where I was able to carry K with me and didn’t lose all sense of her the minute I was away from her (or even when I was with her sometimes). And now I just feel terrified that she will go away because evidently I STILL can’t hold on to her. I thought I didn’t need her anymore but I really do and I am scared that the life-changing thing will take me away from her, at a time when I will need her more than ever.

Logically I don’t know why she would go away because I still need her. I know that makes no sense. She has been patient and kind, we are working by phone on Friday this week and have an email check-in on Wednesday. She says all will be well and I will find her again. I can’t trust that though. I’d forgotten what this place was like, this place where she just doesn’t exist. And I think maybe it is worse now because I know what it is like to be able to hold on to her and now I can’t again. This place feels so bleak and barren and lonely. It is a terrifying place to be in. Being away from her is so painful in a way it hasn’t been for so many months and I don’t want to be back here. Friday feels forever away, Monday when I see her feels even further. She asked me to write a piece on what our room means to me, because we have so many memories in there and she thought it might help me re-connect. I want to try and do that but I am scared I won’t be able to feel anything. How can my brain completely erase someone who I have spent so many hours with and who has been so central in my life for so many years? It is fucking infuriating and crazy-making.

19 thoughts on “Drowning in dissociation”

  1. Sending hugs and strength your way…
    You’ve learned to internalise her for short periods of time. Which you never thought possible. You’ve learned to hold her there. You can and will get back to her. Doesn’t make it easier now for now it’s just believing in the impossible, pretending that if you jump off the cliff you won’t shatter on the rocks below.
    Love, light and glitter…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for such a lovely comment and for reminding me that I never thought I’d be able to hold on to her for even a little while. It’s horrible to be back here but at least I do know that other place exists now. I hope things are going okay with you and your new T – I’ve not been on here much as I’ve been struggling so much. Peace and love 💕

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is horrible, and you do know that however unbelievable it is you’ll get back to what you found exists – and if you don’t believe it, you have others believing it for you until you do (not sure if that makes an iota of difference or not).
        I hope that it doesn’t take as long as you think it will to get to an okay place.
        My new T ended it.
        I also hope there’s blue sky by you today (there is here in the north)
        ((((((hugs))))))

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hah, it does make a difference definitely as I get so lost in dissociation I can’t tell what is real and what happened! I’m so sorry about your T, I hope you’re doing as okay as possible xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The combination of a break and life-changing news is huge, and not being able to hold onto her in the face of that doesn’t mean you’ve lost the progress you’ve made. I hope that holding on comes back soon. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Progress is painful. You have learned to process and endure in times apart in a way that’s tolerable, but that means suppressing some of the pain until it feels safe to let it out. I can see how that feels like an explosion, now that she is back and the feelings of need and attachment to her are rearing their head. Stay safe, I am here thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely. It’s come as such a shock to be feeling all those feeling again and feeling like she doesn’t exist. I hope you are doing as okay as possible – I’ve been reading your blog and thinking of you but not commented xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I was thinking more about this and it seems like what you are going through might be disorganized attachment in all its splendour, so there are two competing attachment strategies going. One is to ignore the distress and try to go customers on something, which may make your T seem to stop existing and the other is to mentally scream about and get some attention on the problem, which feels really bad. When this happens for me, I know it’s past the point when I can really feel okay very quickly, and just concentrate on making it tolerable until it gets better. I used to have a written list and now it’s mental, but I just go through it until it settles enough to get back to daily life. I pretty much just run through the list of what might be comforting until it’s bedtime.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, definitely DA going on, ugh. It’s hell on earth but it’s actually made me see how much progress I’ve made in therapy coz I used to feel like this ALL THE TIME and couldn’t hold on to K at all ever. This is good advice just to try and make it tolerable because there’s nothing I can do until it passes, it’s definitely past the point of coming out of it quickly.

      Like

    1. I’m so sorry, I only just saw this as I’ve not blogged in so long. I’m glad my writing helped you and I hope you are managing the therapy break okay and/or that it is (almost) over.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I always used to get so triggered once a therapy break was over. I’d usually end up needing extra sessions to recover from the flashbacks it triggered, even if I’d handled the break relatively well. Breaks do get easier I promise! xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you. I do wonder when this will get easier. That’s validating to hear. Maybe I should have asked for another session this week. Can’t stop crying. I guess it’s all part of the grieving. Sorry you’re getting my constant stream of consciousness right now because I’m in the thick of it. Thanks for the support x

        Liked by 1 person

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