Flat

This has been by far the worst week I’ve had this year. I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried this much. Every minute has felt like a struggle, feelings of overwhelm and despair nearly always present, and somehow having to keep going at work and look after Nina (and not worry her about my mental state). It’s been tough, to say the least. After working a 12 hour day without a break on Wednesday I ended up a total crying mess at home after picking Nina up from swimming. I couldn’t call The Samaritans or anyone because Nina was here of course, but it was bad and so hard not having anyone to turn to. And knowing work just keeps going without any respite (I’ve been working the equivalent of two whole days for free each week the past couple of months, with the number of extra hours I’m doing, so no wonder I’m struggling) is a horrible reality to be running alongside how bad I feel.

Yesterday morning I woke up still exhausted and wanting to die and had already cried multiple times when I got to work at 8.30. Another long day where I had a visitor I had to entertain all day alongside my normal workload and tears of overwhelm were never far away. I arrived at work in tears again this morning but it ended up being a slightly better day, I think in part because I was resigned to working all of Sunday so the pressure was reduced a little. I also had some space to catch up on stuff a bit in my office without too many distractions which was kind of stabilising.

On Monday in my session K and I talked about work demands but also about how this current crisis is attachment-based. She said she thinks I’m not getting anything at all from my therapy at the moment because of the level of disconnect I’m feeling, and so it is leaving me feeling completely untethered and dysregulated and is making me feel completely emotionally overwhelmed and unable to cope. It made me so sad when she said that because she’s completely right of course. For more than two months now it has felt like I don’t know her and haven’t been there. I leave and my session hasn’t touched me at all. I can’t take in any of the good she’s giving me. There was a Tuesday morning a little over two weeks ago when I’d reached her a teeny bit the night before and felt more capable of all I had to do, but that slipped away so fast and left me empty and dysregulated again. K said how for a long time I was getting so much from therapy and it was regulating me enough to mostly regulate myself during the week. And then her house move and the fears it brought up happened. And now I feel as though I’ve given up on connecting, resigned to this horrible barrier my mind creates between me and people I love in case they go away. I don’t even really notice that therapy isn’t helping me lately, but K is completely right.

And this week I’m so aware of how living a life where there are less relational triggers leaves me feeling isolated and depressed, but too much social interaction leaves me triggered and over-stimulated. It’s a no-win situation.

I just want to reach K and to have her support to help me deal with this fucking awul time at work. I don’t know if it’ll ever come back. Miffy, a 5 year old alter, is holding tight to the connection and K says it’s really good that she remembers and holds it all, but I feel nothing and it’s like I’ve never even known her. Living like this is so hard and I don’t even know when it will get better, with fucking Christmas and the anniversary of Jess dying approaching. I think it will get better than this but I don’t think it will be for a while. Hopefully I’m wrong.