Daylight

In therapy this evening K and young parts started making multi-coloured fimo bunnies to go in a glittery hutch that we are making next week. This might be the most exciting craft project we’ve made together so far. Our real bunnies are probably my system’s biggest resource and the thing that gives us all the most joy. They regularly come in to the therapy space and feature in the Friday email, so when K found some straw-like stuff in some packaging she came up with this idea of something to make in our sessions. I love that she thinks of things like that to do together when we’re not there. It really helps all of us know that not only are we held in mind but that she really knows us and what makes us happy too.

Miffy (5) had written a letter to K after our session last week saying how happy she was that K found her because she had waited such a long time. She also wrote how much she wishes K was there when she was little in a little body, a familiar longing that has become easier to bear over the years. After K read it she said ‘‘That would have been amazing, wouldn’t it? But we have to do it this way round and we’re doing a good job, and it’s never too late’.

And she is right. We have done such good work together and it is providing me with everything I needed and never had growing up. Reaching her again in the past few weeks has been beyond amazing. It helps everything else feel just a little more manageable and it means I feel connected to her and to myself in the time between sessions too, and find it easier to make good choices about how I spend my time and how I care for myself. I knew it would come back eventually but at the same time I couldn’t remember what it felt like to feel connected to her, and waiting in that cut off place was agonising at times.

Years ago, whilst in crisis, I remember sobbing down the phone to her that I wanted her here to share the good things with as well as the bad, and I wanted her here as Nina became a teenager. Well Nina turns 13 next week and there has now been lots of sharing of good things, so those wishes came true and I honestly feel so lucky to have had her beside me as I journeyed into the darkest places inside me. I am so grateful for everything that has happened in her life and my own that brought us both to [county where we live] and has made our work possible all these years. I am so grateful we made it through to the daylight together.