My session yesterday was beautiful, as beautiful as it could be given what is unfolding. Started to freak out at the end but managed to hold it together. Then at 11pm I found out through a friend that all those with asthma are being advised to self-isolate for 12 weeks at least – Nina and K both have asthma. Cue meltdown. Then another friend said something hugely unhelpful about societal collapse and I had panic attacks all night and didn’t sleep at all. It feels like the end of the world as we know it. How can things return to ‘normal’? I don’t want this post to be about the f*cking chaos that is unfolding globally though, because I don’t want to add to that drama and fear.
Luckily I went sick at work yesterday, and will be off for at least two weeks. I decided to do it as I was a total state and knew I needed some space to get myself together and have some time at home and in nature by myself before the end of term, so I was as prepared as possible for a lot of time at home entertaining Nina. I didn’t realise she’d be off today too and for the foreseeable future.
I text K at 8.30 asking if this latest guidance changes our work, telling her Nina and I are now self-isolating, asking to speak. We are speaking at 2. I am holding out for that and having some support because I’ve not slept and Nina is devastated also and holding her feelings about this when I want to die is pretty tough, but at the same time dreading what she will say – not being with her for 3 months or more is unthinkable. It says people with the most serious health conditions will be asked to socially isolate within days – K said yesterday we could go for a session on Thursday this week as well. I am hoping that can still happen, so we can be together knowing it is the last time for a while. This may not be possible though, or it may be that she has thought this through already – her asthma is controlled and she seemed to be ahead of the curve in seeing what was ahead for us as a country, so surely she’d have said no face-to-face already if this was going to be the case. Of course I want her to be safe though. Phone will work for a while because we have such a strong attachment now, it’s just that this whole thing triggers bigger attachment fears about not being able to get to her. I want to trust that this will pass, but it is hard to believe that when looking at the global economic mess that is upon us and worsening. ‘Business as usual’ has been disrupted. I am trying not to catastophise as it is definitely unhelpful!
I am desperate for some support. I am feeling suicidal. The problem is reaching out to people who don’t understand attachment trauma makes me feel worse. People are saying about communities coming together and new world’s being built after this and I want to scream because I don’t want anything else, I only want K. I don’t want a new world if it doesn’t involve seeing her. I recognise the value in all these things, in self-care and nature and (virtual) community and presence, but right now all I want is her. I considered calling The Samaritans but they have triggered me in the past trying to rationalise with my attachment disorder. Lots of my friends are, understandably, having a really tough time or just cannot understand my concerns.
I also wasn’t prepared for suddenly not being able to get things – someone in my village is getting a prescription for me and dropping it outside with, hopefully, some loo rolls! But I need someone to post things for me, collect my sick note, pick up schoolwork for Nina. We can still go out to wild places and for bike rides, and will do when I am more together, but all I want is someone just to come and sit with me and that is not possible. If anyone has any ideas for where I can get more support please let me know, like any organisations or online groups where people who know about attachment trauma but aren’t in crisis themselves are able to provide support to those who are in attachment panic. K says she is here for me to talk to about all of this but she can’t be there 24/7 which seems to be what I need right now. I’m also scared she’ll buckle under the pressure of all this – she must have so many clients freaking out and her own concerns too. I don’t want my needs to get too big for her and make her go away.
What a shit time to be in need of crisis support when our NHS is buckling.
Love and strength to all during this uncertainty xx