If this was a movie

K has suspected Coronavirus. She text to say she has chills, pain, a cough and a mild cold but because we live in the mother-f*cking UK where people in the community aren’t being tested she doesn’t know for sure. She has been advised to self-isolate for 7 days and says we will work by phone tomorrow and make a plan for me to see her dogs (who have just got home from Portugal today and I was expecting to see tomorrow). Obviously this will depend on how she is though as she may not be well enough to work by phone. I also have a tight chest and tickly throat so maybe I am getting it now too, as I saw K on Monday and we did cutting and sticking together, but it could also just be the amount I’ve cried this week. I’m not too worried if I am – I think the general consensus is that most people can only get it once (a few cases of people seemingly getting it twice have been reported, but it doesn’t appear to be a common thing) and so presumably we could meet if we’d both had it and I could also reduce the levels of anxiety over touching things and going to the shops and so on. I am obviously worried about Nina’s asthma, but to be honest getting it sooner rather than later is better for her as it would be before the NHS was totally overloaded if she were to need to go to hospital with exacerbated asthma.

I guess the issue is that because people here are not getting tested unless they are hospitalised we may not know if either of has had it for sure, but K rarely gets ill and has had her winter flu jab so to me it seems likely. I guess we just wait and see. I worry she will get very ill with it because she has underlying health conditions, but is vegan and eats well and takes good care of herself so hopefully she will be fine. She has been sending photos of the dogs this afternoon and says she is okay. The hospitals here aren’t completely over-burdened yet as far as I know, so if she were to develop breathing difficulties she would get the treatment she needs. And she will take care of herself afterwards so that she recovers properly.

It’s interesting how my attachment system reacts. We had a cry when we first got her text, as it is scary for little people when their attachment figure is unwell, but we are relatively calm and okay now and not freaking out about not being able to go tomorrow. I think it is that ever-present fear that we won’t see her that is really difficult to manage. I still feel completely awful and anxious and on edge and cried as soon as I woke up this morning about managing an extended time without seeing K in person and all that brings with it. My GP called earlier and has advised that there is crisis support I can access from 6pm to midnight every night if I need it, so that is good. She says it’s hard because my needs are complex and only my therapist knows how to help really, but that the crisis line is staffed by mental health professionals so should have a good understanding of what is going on for me and therefore are unlikely to trigger me further.

It is awful witnessing how much fear and hardship is unfolding across the globe, I am trying really hard to switch off from it tonight because I really need to get myself in a better place if I am to cope with what is ahead for humanity. Food is still not happening and I don’t know what to do about this. The thought of eating feels very unsafe. We are making cards for K and the dogs to put in the post later as a friend dropped round some stamps earlier. I worry my blog sounds like all I care about is myself and my therapist as this global catastrophe unfolds, but of course that is not true – this is my place to write about what is going on for me emotionally and I am deeply aware of how much suffering and fear there already is, and that it will get worse, and my heart hurts for all that is happening.