I can’t do this anymore. I am absolutely at the end of my coping capacity. I just want to die. I had a bath so I could self-harm, which I did but it hasn’t helped because I just want a hug and someone to sit beside me, sit with me in this fucking agony. I feel so ridiculous because so many are struggling, and so many with so much worse than me, but I am me and not them and this hurts.
I am so tired of holding this all alone. I have no one to turn to and the person who has supported me for years I cannot reach. She may as well not exist. And the only other person I want to see, who would hug me and not judge me, has a husband with CF so is shielding and cannot even meet for a walk. I miss my friends. I miss the family I do not have. I am fucking done with carrying on and trying to make the best of this, trying to support and entertain Nina when I just want to be left alone so I can crawl into a hole and die from my attachment wounding.
I am exhausted from trying to work out what K will do when. As if any of it matters. She has never been enough and will never be enough to stop me feeling like this. My life is fucking empty and pointless and just a fucking pit of intolerable feelings and experiences. I miss my mum and brother and can’t have them in my life because my family is a huge dysfunctional mess. My sister says my brother is really struggling, stuck at home with Mum all the time, disabled, and without the small amount of autonomy and independence he used to have at work and going into town and things. I literally want to die when I think of what he is going through, what it would be like to be with Mum 24/7 during a fucking global crisis. It is horrifying. Like a fucking prison but worse.
I have never wished that I could get in the car to see K tomorrow more than I do right now. Seeing her on a screen just feels like a fucking joke. It is a fucking joke having to do therapy this way, for people with attachment trauma. My sister is a counselling psychologist with the NHS and she has been told it will be October before they start seeing clients in-person, at the earliest. This whole thing is too much.
I don’t want to survive this. I don’t want to live through this. It is the hardest thing I can imagine going through and just when I need K more than ever she is not here and may not be for such a long time. And it is too late now. These feelings have re-surfaced and even if I saw her it would just hurt. It is all pointless and I don’t know why I bothered with any of it.