Bad Blood

I can’t do this anymore. I am absolutely at the end of my coping capacity. I just want to die. I had a bath so I could self-harm, which I did but it hasn’t helped because I just want a hug and someone to sit beside me, sit with me in this fucking agony. I feel so ridiculous because so many are struggling, and so many with so much worse than me, but I am me and not them and this hurts.

I am so tired of holding this all alone. I have no one to turn to and the person who has supported me for years I cannot reach. She may as well not exist. And the only other person I want to see, who would hug me and not judge me, has a husband with CF so is shielding and cannot even meet for a walk. I miss my friends. I miss the family I do not have. I am fucking done with carrying on and trying to make the best of this, trying to support and entertain Nina when I just want to be left alone so I can crawl into a hole and die from my attachment wounding.

I am exhausted from trying to work out what K will do when. As if any of it matters. She has never been enough and will never be enough to stop me feeling like this. My life is fucking empty and pointless and just a fucking pit of intolerable feelings and experiences. I miss my mum and brother and can’t have them in my life because my family is a huge dysfunctional mess. My sister says my brother is really struggling, stuck at home with Mum all the time, disabled, and without the small amount of autonomy and independence he used to have at work and going into town and things. I literally want to die when I think of what he is going through, what it would be like to be with Mum 24/7 during a fucking global crisis. It is horrifying. Like a fucking prison but worse.

I have never wished that I could get in the car to see K tomorrow more than I do right now. Seeing her on a screen just feels like a fucking joke. It is a fucking joke having to do therapy this way, for people with attachment trauma. My sister is a counselling psychologist with the NHS and she has been told it will be October before they start seeing clients in-person, at the earliest. This whole thing is too much.

I don’t want to survive this. I don’t want to live through this. It is the hardest thing I can imagine going through and just when I need K more than ever she is not here and may not be for such a long time. And it is too late now. These feelings have re-surfaced and even if I saw her it would just hurt. It is all pointless and I don’t know why I bothered with any of it.

29 thoughts on “Bad Blood”

  1. Please seek treatment CB. For both you and for Nina, and K, and everyone else who you mean something to in your life.
    I know it’s hard at the moment, but what if you could see around the corner to a time where you’re in a better place, you have meaning and purpose back, you’re face to face with K and this is all just a bad memory.
    Please call for some help tonight. You’ve self-harmed and you’re talking about much worse than that.
    I’m here for you if you need to talk for a while though I am not a professional and so all I can offer you is a friendly bit of care from one human to the next. But what little I can offer I gladly will.

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    1. Thanks so much and I hope I didn’t worry you. I took a sleeping tablet to make sure I got some sleep. I won’t act on my urges because of Nina, but this is the first time in almost 5 years I’ve felt this bad and can’t comfort myself that at least I’ll be getting my car and seeing K in a few hours or days at most. Thanks for being here xx

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  2. this is painful shit and every last thing you’ve said makes sense. i agree wholeheartedly that virtual therapy feels like a joke. the never ending isolation is immensely painful. lately, when I find myself at the intersection of hopeless and agitated and considering dying, i set a timer on my phone and tell myself not to make any decisions until then. then after that, i do it again. this sounds stupid but it’s the only thing i can offer that has helped me recently. i really really hope that you live- you deserve to see whatever is on the other side of this shit storm.

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    1. Thanks and I’m sorry you’re feeling this horrible situation so strongly too. The timer thing is a good idea. I don’t think I would act on my urges because of Nina but there are times when I feel this pandemic is ruining her life too and we’d be better off dead. I wish I had a timer for how much longer of therapy like this, even if it was ages at least we’d know. Hope you’re hanging in there xx

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  4. I agree 1000% that virtual therapy feels like absolute shit. It did absolutely nothing for me other than to make me feel even more alone than I already did. I might as well have sat in a corner and talked to myself for all the good it was.

    I’m so sorry things feels so awful right now. You’re doing as well as can be expected. Reach out to K if you can. She will do whatever she needs to do to help you.

    Take good care. Big hugs…xx

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    1. Yeah exactly, it doesn’t bloody help with all the other stuff in our lives and then causes attachment agony and feelings of abandonment on top of that. I also feel I am talking to myself most of the time. What a joke. I hope you’re back to in-person now and it is helping. Hugs xx

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      1. Exactly! Thankfully I am back in person. Apparently psychologists were able to make exemptions for certain cases and I qualified. I’m not sure if that’s a positive thing or not but I won’t complain. I hope today went better for you…xx

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  6. Sending you love CB. I’m so sorry it feels so hard at the moment. It is such a difficult time right now. It’s not surprising you teach periods where it all feels too hard and too much. I hope that you have been able to sleep and can ground a little today. Maybe go out in nature? Take good care and am thinking of you xx

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    1. Thank you RB ❤️ I took a sleeping tablet for the first time in ages and got some sleep. Still feel gross but am in the garden before work and will cycle later I hope. I hope you’re doing as okay as possible at this stupid time xx

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      2. Yep!! I have my ‘session’ at 4pm so will probably just wail and sob and get angry at K as if this is all her fault. The whole thing feels very pointless. Last time I was this upset K helpfully told me down the phone how much I needed a hug 😦 Sorry you’re struggling so much too, I’m thinking of booking some sessions with one of the Ts locally who are offering face-to-face, just to ground myself a bit… xx

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      3. Hope it goes ok. I am feeling like I might pause therapy for a little while as I need to be face to face. I was so depressed today and A was like ‘what can you do that’s nice for yourself?’ It felt so off the mark, and distant, as if I don’t try and self care. I told her as much! I said it’s not about finding something nice so much as not creeping further into this space and hurting myself right now. I would’ve have felt like this in person but it just pissed me off. It’s like because we can’t easily regulate online it feels more trouble shooting and problem solving rather than just sitting in the feelings and experiencing them. Fucccccckkkkkk me!!!!! Anyway, sending you better luck 😂

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      4. It’s fucking hideous, isn’t it?! K keeps going on about the fucking pandemic shaking everything up and refuses to understand that I would be dealing with all of that, all the uncertainty and pressure, if I had my therapy sessions still. Please don’t hurt yourself. I did it last night and it didn’t help. I am thinking I need to take a break too – I wanted to keep going so that I wouldn’t have lost the connection when we went back to face-to-face but now that this isn’t looking like it will be just a 3 month break I’m not sure I can put myself through it. Fuck it all lol xx

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      5. Oh it’s fucking shit isn’t it?! I’m also feeling crap because Anita hasn’t even broached the subject of going back. I mean it would be nice 1) to be asked how online is feeling especially as it’s been going on so long (and I complain about teaching online nearly every therapy session as find it so disconnected) 2) to discuss what options are going forward – perhaps a walk or sitting in garden even if no time frame 3) to maybe say she misses face to face work or something that makes me feel less out on a limb. The connection on the call was shit today so that didn’t help. And I miss Em. I miss working with someone who knows me inside out. Apart from that I’m doing brilliantly 😂… shiiiitttt!! I’m sorry self harm felt like the only option last night. I can feel the creeping edge of restrictive eating coming … because you know, that’s helpful 🙄

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      6. That’s so shit she’s not even asked how it is or shared that she finds it difficult too or anything. How can they possibly think we are okay with it? K definitely knows how much I hate it!!! I am reluctant to ask about how things might be going forward because I think she’ll confirm that there is no end in sight… I asked about seeing the dogs (just back from Portugal) and doing a session outside 3 weeks ago and she said she’d think about it and get back to me, but nothing…

        And yeah, I’ve actually gone down the Huel route because I could feel restrictive eating sneaking back in to try and ‘help’ -that way there’s no prep needed and I get all my nutrients still. I hope you can keep it at bay, I really do think it won’t help even though it feels like it will. Hugs. I’m heading in to the shit show now! xx

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  10. I’m sorry that you feel so down CB. I have sensed that you are putting a brave face on and putting K’s needs before your own.
    I agree that online therapy is shit. We have done it because it was the only choice. Now it isn’t or shouldn’t be.
    I get the impression that K can’t see the wood for the trees sometimes and it comes at your expense. My therapist told me that her professional body have told them even since the lockdown that if online therapy puts the client at risk then they can do face to face sessions.
    I hope you have expressed your needs to K so that she can be in no doubt as to what you need. Sending love 💕

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