End game: will I ever see her again?

K won’t be going back to face-to-face therapy for at least the rest of the year. I was really upset and saying how suicidal I feel in my session and that it is so unfair that mental health isn’t being prioritised and she broke a boundary to tell me her adult son has Type 1 diabetes so is shielding, as she thought it would help me understand why she isn’t rushing back to in-person therapy. She has never told anyone before but she needed me to understand how concerning this all is for her and why she can’t take any risks. He is already very unwell and likely wouldn’t survive Covid. Of course I understand all this, but it is fucking agony.

So I have to decide what to do and whether I can make therapy work like this indefinitely. I want to because I don’t want to lose her but I just don’t know if I can. K says I am the only one of her clients who is really struggling without face-to-face, even though some others don’t really like it as much. I wish I could be someone who could take it in because I can tell she is working so hard, but it just doesn’t land and I can’t feel it. I am in constant agony being away from her.

This feels utterly impossible to survive. She is not saying she will return to work in-person January, it could be longer, but wanted me to have a timescale so I can decide what to do. She wants me to be well and wonders if I should work with someone else who can work in-person. I don’t want that. I only want her. I only want her. How is this happening?

 

 

33 thoughts on “End game: will I ever see her again?”

    1. She says one or two outside sessions won’t help me, it’ll make things worse because I need weekly face-to-face therapy. I think she’s right on that. And there’s no way she’s taking any risks right now, I wouldn’t let her anyway. He gets ill v often and needs her to look after him. She’s doing the right thing it’s just agony for me.

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      1. I thought she must be his carer or something. At least she was taking your needs into account, but I wish it could be different. You have had a lot of uncertainty with K over the last couple of years. Excuse my language but fucking covid. 🤬

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Yeah, it’s extra sad that things had got to a nice, settled place after all that drama and then this fucking virus has ruined everything 😦

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  1. Oh no. CB, this is devastating news. You are the third person I’ve come across on WP who has faced losing their therapist totally out of the blue like this, it is beyond horrendous.
    This awful virus has taken a lot more more than peoples’ lives hasn’t it. I wonder if K may see things differently in the future though, would she resume face to face with you if that happened? Surely there has to be a point when her son stops shielding, if it all dies down enough? I am so sorry to read this and to see what choices you are now facing. I wish there was something I could say other than that you are a strong person CB, stronger than you probably feel; look at how you are with Nina and in other areas of your life. Somehow you’ll get through this, but wow, what a really big stress this is.

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    1. Yes, she says she will be guided by UKCP (who are adamant that in-person shouldn’t be happening yet). She wasn’t saying definitely January, so it could be sooner I guess, just that this was the time frame that came to mind when she thought about it, but I need to find a way of making this work for me remotely or stop doing it, because it is too painful for both of us at the moment and it is making me worse. So I guess I have to decide if I can continue therapy via screen/phone or if it’s just not possible for me. It’s really uncertain with the shielding thing – I don’t trust our government to keep us safe at all, so I’m not sure what will happen and I think this is the point – I have to stop trying to work out when I will see her again and instead settle into remote therapy if I can. If I can’t then I need to stop, for the foreseeable future at least. I need to stop trying to work out what she will do when and accept this is how my therapy is now, because otherwise I’m just going to go mad and not be able to work with her. I really don’t know what to do 😦

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      1. Okay, that’s slightly different I guess. Still bad, but not set in stone like it first sounded. It sounds like you’re being sensible about it and not rushing into anything and while it’s fair enough not to trust the government to keep us safe, I still hope against hope that it will naturally just run it’s course and burn itself out. I think I’m in the minority holding onto that hope though. Would K agree to do outdoor walks with you for a bit while the weather is nice though? I just don’t see how people can live in lockdown for 9 months. And maybe would she agree to let you have two therapists for a while? Though I’m not sure how many therapists would agree to that (don’t know enough about it).
        I really hope you can navigate your way through this decision with some degree of okayness. You must feel pretty shocked to hear that bombshell.

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      2. Thanks, I don’t think she’ll do walks because she doesn’t think it will help me. She says I need the holding of a weekly face-to-face session so it would just make things worse. I’m inclined to agree. I’ve said I’d really like to see her and do it once this summer so she’ll think about it, but she’s not willing to do it yet. I don’t think it’s about staying in lockdown for her, but that we don’t know the risks of being in a confined space with someone yet, so she’s not willing to do that. My sister is a counselling psychologist with the NHS and they’ve been told remote till at least October. K says by January we’ll know more but at the moment too much is unknown and she is taking things slowly. I can’t afford two therapists but also K wouldn’t agree to that even if another T did. She suggested less contact but that just feels like the worst of both worlds as it’s too long between sessions but I can’t forget her completely. It’s honestly fucking unbearable.

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      3. Sounds it. Really does sound it.
        Sorry I didn’t realise you thought a walk wouldn’t cut it. That’s different then. I’d really struggle with it too and it sounds like K is as well. I can’t imagine how awful it would be if anything happened to her son, thought knowing that doesn’t really help your situation. We need an urgent vaccine pronto then don’t we. But again, not much use to you right now. I feel like the answer is out there for you but nobody’s figured it out yet, I really hope something can work it’s way out for you. Something that hits the spot as much as is possible given the current situation out there with everything being turned on its head with a bloody virus.

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      4. Yeah I need to find ways to make it work or I need to stop. I just don’t know what would make it manageable though. And I don’t understand why I can’t take in that she is still here. It feels like she has gone away 😔

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      5. I’m going to try and talk to her about It tomorrow. I’m wondering if now I know it’s months and months it might be easier to accept how things are… I don’t know. I’m going to ask about her posting some things and maybe recording some messages. I basically need to hear over and over again that we are still connected and she won’t forget me or the things I’ve told her. This whole thing is exhausting.

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      6. I really so much hope you can both work something out. You’ve got such a strong relationship between you, it sounds like it’s what you both way. Fingers crossed 🤞 for you

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      7. Thank you. It is a strong relationship, we’ve been through so much together. The saddest part is likely not seeing her on our 5 year anniversary in August 😔 hope you get some sleep xx

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      8. I’ve heard you say that meeting outdoors doesn’t cut it for you but I wonder if the anniversary might possibly feel different for you to go for a walk to mark that anniversary? 5 years is such a long time.

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      9. Yeah, I had thought that too (great minds!) and will ask her to think about it. Five years is immense and it is not till end of August, so there is time to see what happens with cases by then too. We could do it as an extra session and then if it isn’t holding enough it’s not my only session for a week… I’ll see what she says but might not ask for a while as she was unsure about outside work even yesterday due to UKCP guidance.

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      10. Really good idea to hold off floating the idea so soon, sounds like you’ve got a good plan there and I’m really hoping by August we’ll be in a much better place, we’ll have done the whole lockdown all over again and so unless there’s a massive spike then I’m hoping against hope that things will look quite different.

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      11. Me too. And as K said, we’ll know so much more about the virus and how it spreads most over the coming months, and there may even be better (instantaneous!) testing and treatments and things to stop it getting so bad in certain cases which will all help massively. So much research is being done all the time and we know so much more about the virus than we did 6 months ago already, another 3 months and that will increase, and I do think by Christmas things will be very different. I hope anyway!

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      12. Yeah, this has to be peak shitness right now, doesn’t it? I mean, can it get worse?? (I’ll probably hear I’m being made redundant after saying that, that would really screw things up lol)

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  2. CB! I am SO sorry to hear this. I can’t believe it! I hope you can find a way to stay with K, its been such a big investment on both of your time. Could you include a local person in there for some weekly holding but keep going with K – ir maybe even another kind of practitioner? — or does that seem useless? Thinking of RBCG’s Anita/K combo… The other thing is to take the time to dive in and get to the centre of that work. But maybe that’s just feeling impossible given that the rest of the world is coming crashing down 😦 so much love to you, my heart is breaking for you both.

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    1. I really want to stay with her. I really want to find a way to stop this being so painful so I can work with her remotely and not feel like this all the time. I am considering adding in someone I can see for some in-person holding while I work with her remotely, but I’m not sure it’s financially feasible (with our imminent pay cuts as well). Do you mean take this time with her and dive into the work WITH HER? I think there is probably a lot of work to do around why not being able to see her in-person is so intolerable, and also a lot of grieving to do around what I’ve lost in terms of being with her, but as you say it is very hard to do that depth work when everything else is crashing down around me. I am going to speak to her again tomorrow I hope and try and work through some of it as I have no idea what to do. It just feels like a huge painful mess whichever choice I make 😦

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  3. Oh no. No! Noooo! I was so hoping you were going to get some good news today about moving into next phase of therapy. All I can say, and I don’t mean to get hopes up, is last time K was going to take ages and ages off she actually didn’t. This virus is evolving quickly. I don’t see how anyone can look 6 months ahead right now. So perhaps by September things might change. I know it doesn’t change her son’s condition but … man… I don’t even know what to say. Sending love x

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    1. Thank you, I was hoping for some good news too 😦 she said she wouldn’t be rushing back and that UKCP are adamant therapists shouldn’t be working in-person yet. She said it’s not necessarily January, but if she had to put an initial time frame on it now then that is what comes to mind. It was more to give me a sense of the longevity – it could be longer and, as you say, it could be less time – but it is so I can decide if I can work like this or whether I need to take a break or work with someone else. It is horrendous x

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh God! And I just replied on your comment on another post that I hoped you would get to see her soon.
    January!! That is a month that doesn’t even register on my radar yet.
    I’m so, so sorry things are this way. Sending big hugs…xx

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    1. Thank you Kerry. It really sucks. It’s basically forever. It’s not even like it will be January for definite, just that she’d feel more able to make an informed decision by then. It honestly doesn’t feel survivable ( and when people say I will survive it all I can think is that I don’t even want to, I’m so done with surviving everything).

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      1. I understand that feeling 100%. I get so tired of just waiting to survive another day. And I’m so tired of waiting for things to get better most days. I don’t believe that time heals all wounds…maybe once upon a time I did, but not anymore. It totally sucks and isn’t fair!

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