End game: will I ever see her again?

K won’t be going back to face-to-face therapy for at least the rest of the year. I was really upset and saying how suicidal I feel in my session and that it is so unfair that mental health isn’t being prioritised and she broke a boundary to tell me her adult son has Type 1 diabetes so is shielding, as she thought it would help me understand why she isn’t rushing back to in-person therapy. She has never told anyone before but she needed me to understand how concerning this all is for her and why she can’t take any risks. He is already very unwell and likely wouldn’t survive Covid. Of course I understand all this, but it is fucking agony.

So I have to decide what to do and whether I can make therapy work like this indefinitely. I want to because I don’t want to lose her but I just don’t know if I can. K says I am the only one of her clients who is really struggling without face-to-face, even though some others don’t really like it as much. I wish I could be someone who could take it in because I can tell she is working so hard, but it just doesn’t land and I can’t feel it. I am in constant agony being away from her.

This feels utterly impossible to survive. She is not saying she will return to work in-person January, it could be longer, but wanted me to have a timescale so I can decide what to do. She wants me to be well and wonders if I should work with someone else who can work in-person. I don’t want that. I only want her. I only want her. How is this happening?