I’ve just had my session. I am leaning towards a break. I don’t know how long I would take a break for. K said a month last week, but I don’t see the point of that. Either I can do this work remotely or I can’t, and if I can’t that won’t change. So I would need to take a break until K resumes in-person work. That is a daunting prospect. It could be January, it could be a little sooner, it could be a lot longer, it could be never.
She says the other option is for us to do less work during this time, so that we keep the connection and I still get support with what I need in terms of parenting and the pandemic, but don’t lean in to the work. I don’t think I can do that. It feels like the worst of both worlds. I can’t just switch off the attachment stuff and work on more practical things, so the attachment stuff would still be activated but with longer to manage between sessions and less chance of re-connecting in them.
We talked about my mum and the original wounding. I cried at how unfair it is that I have to face losing K because of the damage my mum did to me, because it makes me not able to tolerate being in relationship with her without being in physical proximity. I have lost so many people because of the way my mum totally fucked me up. K would be just another in a long line.
Maybe I don’t need therapy anymore. Maybe I don’t need it right now. Maybe it is making things worse. Maybe the time would pass quicker. Maybe January would be here before I knew it, if I had less investment in the passing of the time. Maybe it is time to let K go. I never would have imagined it would be like this, our ending, sudden and unexpected, but maybe it is the way it is meant to be. Maybe trying to do the work is part of me not accepting how much everything has changed.
K said today she wants me to reach a place where I deeply know that this work isn’t right for me at the moment, that I can’t take it in, that it is not good for me. She said it’s been nearly three months of me not being able to take in therapy, not getting anything from it. Maybe she is right but it feels like I am being pushed away, punished for not being able to take in that she is still here, rejected because of the depth of my fucking attachment wound.
I know this work is hard for her right now. She said today my sessions have been very hard to hold since we’ve not been meeting. I don’t want to put her through that, drive her away, make her feel tired and disenchanted at a time when she has so much to deal with in her own life. I wish I could take it in and not push her away. Before my session I want to connect and I can think of a million things I want to tell her, but as soon as we are working all my defences rise and I feel lost in my room and ashamed to tell her how I am. I hate knowing that part of her wants me to take a break because this is too hard for her to hold. It brings up so much.
Next week I am going to see if Nina can go to my dad’s on Monday afternoon until Tuesday evening (she’s been going on Fridays) so that I am home alone for my session and have some space afterwards. I will try two sessions to see if that changes anything and if it doesn’t I will take a break after the 29th June. I cannot fucking bear the thought of taking a break, but even without one it is fucking unbearable because I cannot feel that she is here. She may as well not be.
Taking a break doesn’t feel right either. Of course it doesn’t. So many of us have been flung into a life we never could have imagined even 3 months ago. Nothing about any of this feels right. It could feel really painful to not have K in my life for more than six months, with the world falling apart and no guarantee that we will be able to work together again in future. It will still be really painful though, to be working but not be with her. This is not the way my therapy is supposed to be.
It is just two utterly shit options and I have to choose the least shit, the one that will hurt less. I guess the benefit of taking a break is that I am not paying to feel like this.
If we could guarantee we could start weekly sessions again in January I think I would take a break. As it stands I’m scared that won’t be the case, that it will be longer or worse she will decide not to work in-person again whilst we are in pandemic or will stop being a therapist completely. I don’t know how likely that is. But then if you’d told me at the start of the year I wouldn’t be able to get to K’s for at least 10 months because of the Coronavirus I wouldn’t have believed you, so who knows what is likely anymore.