Blank space

Just clicked send on this after my session ended half an hour ago… My heart is breaking.

Dear K,

I don’t need more time to think, I know in my heart that a pause is the right thing to do. There is so much work we all want to do with you still – gentle, healing work of the kind we were finally able to do, but we can’t do it this way. We are going to break us if we keep trying, and after taking all these years to build a relationship that is so strong, that would be even more heart-breaking than this situation already is. This feels like such a hard thing to do, but I am hurting both of us keeping going like this, I can feel it.
I will take the next two sessions and then go on a pause. We have a card and gift for you also as we will have been working together for 5 years on 26th August, so I will try and sort out getting that in the post so we can see you open them before then.
It feels very important for all of us that it is clear it is a break and not an ending – there is no way any of us ever would have ended our work like this without the pandemic. Being able to be in a room with you and not feeling like it was killing us was so precious after all those years of struggle, and we want more time soaking that in because it was so hard to get to that point and we are not ready to leave it behind.
With best wishes,
CB

30 thoughts on “Blank space”

    1. I say this without hyperbole, it is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I guess it is testimony to all K and I’s work that I felt able to make it at all..

      Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you my love. I am in agony right now emotionally and physically (head pain and full body pain flare) but I just can’t keep going. It’s like we’re already on a break till in-person resumes but with weekly triggering thrown in (and paying for the luxury of it!). I totally understand why you would come to this decision too – I don’t think this is a short-term thing. Sending love xx

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      1. I wish that I could make it easier but I know it’s just going to be a case of riding it out. I completely get the feeling of being on a break and yet paying for it. I did 3 sessions last week… hoping to feel more connected/able to dig into what’s there but it fell so flat. I have credit cards to pay … right now that seems like a more sensible way to spend money. You know where I am xxx take it minute by minute xxx

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      2. Thank you xx it’s just crap isn’t it! Flat is how my sessions have felt – I’m either triggered or can’t reach K and it is flat and pointless. It’s honestly making things worse and my system is backsliding. I’ve felt so angry with K too, and I don’t want that as she is really struggling right now too. I don’t know what to say but I do wonder if just gritting your teeth through the next few months and clearing some debt would be better… My sense is if they’re not looking to move to in-person now it’ll be after the winter – I did speak to a therapist who said she was thinking October, but that was before the cases began to rise again. And her clients are fine by phone (how???) so she won’t be in a rush to make her workspace Covid secure.

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      3. God it’s just such an impossible bind. For what it’s worth I think you’ve made the right choice by honouring the parts for whom this is not good enough. You can always go back quickly if you get the sense that that’s what you need. I’m frustrated and disconnected. I have cut to one session this week and will see how it goes next week with maybe just one. I currently just want Em… like heartbreakingly so. ☹️ A is on a break last week of August and first week of sept so I guess that gives me a bit of time to think. I know I won’t be in room for ages. She has a client with a family member whose got it (same household) and apparently it ‘sounds’ awful… interesting that no one else in family has contracted it. But … can’t change her decision. Just got to work out what I can live with xx big hug xx

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      4. I have to agree – I’ve seen a few Ts online are saying they’re opening up from August. I think if A isn’t saying this, or setting a date e.g. for October, then it is going to be ages because winter will likely see a rise in cases and in severity of illness. And the UKCP and BACP guidance hasn’t changed and likely won’t whilst there is a risk of a second wave. So it is about what you can live with and whether it is doing any good at all to be working this way, or just creating more distress.

        I think I’ve subconsciously been waiting for K to ‘pick me’ and prioritise seeing me even if she sees other clients remotely, but that is so clearly not going to happen. I wax and wane over her perception of the threat and whether I think it’s justified that she’s doing this – I look at cases in our county and the fact that even if you are in contact with someone with it you are not guaranteed to get it (like you say above – there are loads of examples of people in the same households even not getting it) but then balance that against the fact she works in her own home and has health issues and a partner who’s over 70 and has had double pneumonia twice in the past and her son with type 1 diabetes, plus she doesn’t want to go back to in-person and then have to revert to online again as that would cause distress as well. It is all utterly exhausting and I just want a break from thinking about it and to be able to watch the news for a few months without trying to work out what the implications of the latest developments are for my therapy! I’m going to look into some bodywork soon as I don’t think my reiki master is working in-person again yet either as she’d only just recovered from a long illness with Dengue fever when lockdown struck!

        Here for you whatever you decide. And I’m so sorry that this is all making you miss Em, it’s so unfair that you’re not getting the chance to build up that holding and containment with A because of the stupid virus. Hugs and love xx

        Liked by 3 people

  1. I am so sorry to read this but it is completely understandable. I really hope so much for you that the circumstances will change dramatically and very, very soon for you. Such a brave step ♥️

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    1. Thank you, it was so hard to do but I know it is right given how much has changed this year because I can’t do the work I want and need in therapy. I hope things change soon too, but I’m also prepared for it being 6 – 9 months or more to be honest. Hopefully it will be a time of growth as well, but right now it just feels like such a loss. I hope you are surviving the break okay xx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Do you expect to get an email reply or for K to wait until your next appointment is due? I’m sure therapists feel this just as much as we do. You sound so level-headed about it all, while still recognising the pain and loss involved. 6-9 months sound such a long time but when you think next month its September and everyone is back in school, it makes you realise the pandemic will have been 6 months and in some ways it’s dragged by but in others it’s flown. Hope however long it is flies by for you, and I’m guessing your backup plan is to abort and go back sooner if you need to? (Not saying you will need to, but I wonder if you’re like me in that you do like the safety of a good backup plan!)

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      2. Yes she replied this morning and said something about this being my wisdom speaking and allowing my true needs to be recognised is an important part of my healing. She’s right, but at the same time it’s frustrating because my true needs are in-person therapy, which I can’t have! It does seem the right way forward, even though it’s difficult and far from ideal, and I’ve also noticed time going at warp speed the past few months so hopefully that will continue! We are going to make a plan in our last two sessions but yes – I definitely like a good back up plan too! I think if I am struggling over the winter I would go back before, provided she was confident I could deal with remote sessions then (and she had an end-of-day slot available then). Ironically if I was an overwhelmed, dysregulated mess all the time then remote work would help with that because K really knows how to soothe me now, but I’m not in that place most of the time anymore and obviously don’t want to be just so that my therapy can continue. Wish this virus would do one now!!

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Oh me too. I am so over corona-bloody-virus! You really are doing all of this is a perfectly measured way, pity it has to be done at all but I can see why you feel like that. Good thing time has flown by for you so far, fingers crossed that one stays the same!

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  2. I’m sorry that it’s come to this. It seems like it’s better that it happened now rather than 3 or 4 years ago, but I wish it wasn’t happening at all. Having to delay building on the security you felt before the pandemic hit is shit. I really hope that K returns to in person sooner rather than later because I don’t think that covid is going anywhere. The narrative seems to be that we have to live with it rather than hide away and wait for it to disappear. K may have to adapt sooner or later.
    We’re all still here 🤗💕

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you lovely. It is utterly rubbish but also the right thing given the circumstances. I think it’s also the fact the virus is so new, scientists still know so little about it and how it’s spread and how it can be treated and who is likely to experience long-term effects and if they can be avoided by doing particular things. I think longer term there is hope we will have an accurate test with almost instant results widely available – that would be a game changer long before any vaccine is likely to be available. So I agree that she can’t just hide and wait for it to disappear, but so much research is being done and testing is developing all the time, so K’s view is that in 5 or 6 months we’ll be in a very different place again to where we are now and where we were 6 months ago. It is really nice to know this community is here in the meantime (and always!). I hope your sessions aren’t going to be disrupted by local lockdown xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There was a programme on channel 4 last night about the vaccine and it seems like the Oxford scientists have been preparing for this for years so hopefully this will lead to a vaccine soon. There was also something in the news about a test that gives the result in 90 minutes which would enable people to take test on the day of the session.
        Me too. I’m questioning the morality of going to the session but T would say if she was worried. It’s a shit show anyway! Nobody has a clue what is going on and it is dividing the community which isn’t good. The local media are making the situation worse too.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. It sounds awful where you are. And my heart really went out to those about to celebrate Eid only for a late night announcement meaning it was effectively cancelled. Can you imagine the government doing that on Christmas Eve? How to inflame racial tensions and scapegoat a community! I’d go if T is happy for you to. People are still going to work where you are I think? And yes – I saw that about the test. If that becomes widely available it would be amazing. And I do feel cautiously optimistic about the Oxford vaccine being available early next year -fingers crossed!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s the stigma that gets to me more because it’s more socioeconomic than pure ignorance. A lot of the Asian community have been frontline in this. But there are also people who never observed the lockdown because they don’t care or are not educated enough to grasp the seriousness of it. I think they did the right thing with Eid because there would have been mass gatherings. I would have said the same about Christmas Eve too. They won’t close the pubs or police them though! Yeah people can still go to work and I have a letter saying that I’m a key worker so I’ll take it with me.
        Yes fingers crossed for some sort of solution because we can’t stay locked up forever or without essential support like therapy.

        Liked by 2 people

      4. I wish the pubs would close. That and indoor gatherings. Alcohol and social distancing cannot mix! It’s such a shame about the stigma and is really highlighting that those already more susceptible to the virus for socio-economic reasons and more vulnerable in the face of the economic fallout from containment measures will pay the heaviest price with regular local lockdowns intensifying it all. It’s a mess. I’ll be keeping everything crossed you get there on Monday x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. this is truly the hardest thing, and likely the least expected… but maybe hold in mind that this is not permanent, that the choice you’ve made to pause is a temporary one, and that K will follow your guidance around whatever it is that you need from her as time goes on and things change or resolve. I am following the same journey and finding it is ultimately really healing – though in the hurtiest way – to take the lead on negotiating what’s best for the whole system. it’s devastating and profound work ❤ also remember that you are not alone, we are all here for you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much SG, I definitely feel so much less alone through this community. It feels devastating to have to have made this decision, but it is a lesson in trusting my intuition to guide me in what is right at any given time, instead of resisting the truth of the situation we’ve all found ourselves in, and trusting that K will be there once this shit show is over. I just keep hearing her saying a couple of years ago that what we have cannot be broken, no matter what. And I can feel in my heart we will work together again, it is not the end I don’t think, even though so much could change between now and next year xx

      Liked by 2 people

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