We miss K. There is not much more than that to say really, but in my real life there is no one we can tell and so we are writing those words here because right now it feels so unreal that we ever knew her. She has faded far away and all those hours with her feel as though they never even happened.
We cannot say ‘we miss K’ out loud because there is no one who would hear those words and understand. They would tell me I have friends or that I can go back if it’s too hard, but the truth is I’m not sure it would be any better if we were meeting if it was online. Which it would be. I am trying to hold in my heart that we will work in-person again, but that is hard. This once-in-a-hundred-year event is going to become commonplace unless animal agriculture stops, and the next pandemic could begin before this one even ends. In the face of the utter destruction of the natural world it is hard to hold onto hope that a part of my old life will be returned to me.
We want to talk to K about the bunnies. Young parts are trying to come out and talk to Nina more and more and this is getting precarious. This used to happen a lot – it wasn’t noticeable until the start of therapy when I realised I had parts, but then it was and then it eased because they got to talk to K each week. Now it is happening again, and because I am mostly co-conscious with parts I can watch them out and talking but can’t control what they are saying. It’s not good as it makes her angry that I am ‘pretending’ to be little. I don’t know what to do about it.
Anyway, I just wish K knew how hard this is. Missing her is horrible.