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Invisible

We miss K. There is not much more than that to say really, but in my real life there is no one we can tell and so we are writing those words here because right now it feels so unreal that we ever knew her. She has faded far away and all those hours with her feel as though they never even happened.

We cannot say ‘we miss K’ out loud because there is no one who would hear those words and understand. They would tell me I have friends or that I can go back if it’s too hard, but the truth is I’m not sure it would be any better if we were meeting if it was online. Which it would be. I am trying to hold in my heart that we will work in-person again, but that is hard. This once-in-a-hundred-year event is going to become commonplace unless animal agriculture stops, and the next pandemic could begin before this one even ends. In the face of the utter destruction of the natural world it is hard to hold onto hope that a part of my old life will be returned to me.

We want to talk to K about the bunnies. Young parts are trying to come out and talk to Nina more and more and this is getting precarious. This used to happen a lot – it wasn’t noticeable until the start of therapy when I realised I had parts, but then it was and then it eased because they got to talk to K each week. Now it is happening again, and because I am mostly co-conscious with parts I can watch them out and talking but can’t control what they are saying. It’s not good as it makes her angry that I am ‘pretending’ to be little. I don’t know what to do about it.

Anyway, I just wish K knew how hard this is. Missing her is horrible.

14 thoughts on “Invisible”

  1. A child should always survive inside. Without the child or children, inside or outside, the world is a cold and bitter place.

    What would you say, which of your parts knows best what you as a whole or the other parts need?

    Giving my parts a voice in conversations with myself, I came to answers, I otherwise wouldn’t have found (again). In my case it was less a thing I thought would help or that someone told me to do it. In fact, it just happened at some point. Something inside me screamed out for help. And then I started to write with myself for the most part.

    A conversation in words could seem weird from outside, but it is not important in case it helps.
    Discussions or debates usually should help to understand other people and also yourself and find common ground. The same can help for the innter parts, as they all have some common ground.

    For example they are all parts of you, at least as far as I know. And they are inside you.
    So maybe to let them write down what they have to say, could help them find a way to feel more safety together. In my case it started some fights with words and sometimes I thought that I was writing myself into madness. Sometimes it might have been this way, but in the end I always survived and afterwards found out a bit more about what was going on.

    But all in a way possible for you and your parts, if this should be something you might want to do.

    About having parts, I found out about it when I was younger and felt different from time to time, had different thoughts, different reactions and even voices it seemed. Sometimes, usually when I was scared, I felt like a little girl and even my voice seemed higher, when talking to people. I always had a higher voice (I am mainly a man, I should add), but sometimes it was deeper, sometimes brighter. Also the way I reacted changed depending on the people I spent time with or the environment.

    I felt weird because of it and that I sometimes even saw myself in different ways. I sometimes even forgot how I looked from outside or that I was born as a man. Now I consider myself as a collective of perspectives in one body. After I gave each part of me a voice and an ear, I was able to feel good about all of them. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to see and understand the world and people around the world. And now the parts can act as one, supporting each other, instead of fighting. Sometimes it still happens, usually when someone from outside attacks me. But for the most part my parts stand united as one and as many when different view points are needed.

    And to say someone that they pretend to be a child or act like a child, shows now understanding from their side. Some children are more grown up than many so called grown up people. And to see the world like a child is better, than to see the world like a set of rules and structured events and patterns. Don’t push these little parts down because others say they are weird. Why can’t they talk about bunnies or whatever joyful thing there is or question they have?

    Most people just see the body, the surface, what they are used to see. But we know, inside is what actually matters. All your parts matter and together they and therefor you, will survive. I hope this gave you a little hope. You are not invisible, not for eyes which can see beyond. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh CB, I know exactly how you feel. I was doing a big feel through of my whole system last night as I found myself inconsolably missing my t, and found that the nuance of “missing” is characterized by how old my different parts are, and the kind of things they need from an attachment figure. It’s so hard because all of the parts miss K differently, don’t they? It also sounds like missing K is so wrapped up in all of the challenges of the new pandemic normal, which are especially exacerbated as things go back to business as usual in September. I don’t have anything more to offer, just solidarity and love from across the ocean! And yes, some genuine understanding of what this shit feels like.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That’s exactly it – the parts all miss K differently and need her for different things. Getting support with adult life from remote work would soothe adult me but trigger young parts who can’t reach her and hate seeing her on the screen, etc. It’s an impossible situation. And yeah, it’s so tied up in my fears about the future due to the climate and ecological crisis too because I can’t see that this is a temporary thing and adjusting to this new normal is triggering. Yesterday at a work thing someone kept going on about us learning to live alongside covid and I hate it because it’s so tied up in when I get to see K again. It’s such an inescapable trigger. Thanks for the solidarity and sorry you’re experiencing this shitness too. Love and hugs xx

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Sending hugs and strength…
    I wish there were some easy solutions.
    I hope things settle, or you can find a way to give the young parts the space they need.
    Been thinking of you…
    💕🕯✨🐬🌌🦋

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thinking of you and wishing I could take your pain away. The grief will fade, even if it’s just in microscopic bits, and you will feel able to breathe again without being overcome by a sense of loss. Be kind to yourself in the meantime.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Sending you so much love. It is so hard. When the parts need and relate to K in so many different ways and get different kinds of holding it feels like such a huge amount of support and containment is lost. K is still there. The relationship is still solid. I know it’s not always easy to hold this in mind. Thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is so hard for you to carry around and not be able to share with anyone in real life. It’s one of the brilliant things about this place… so many people get it and want to stand with you.
    I so much wish K could see you in person tomorrow, I understand the awfulness of virtual therapy and how it doesn’t cut it like face to face does. At least, not for everyone. I wish I had words for you that would make a difference, but it’s not words you need, it’s face to face with K. And I’m sorry you’re in this place. I just can’t wait to hear the time has come and all of this dark night is but a distant memory for you. Big hugs… and lots of commiserations❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really is so bloody hard not to be able to tell anyone, but very glad this space exists. Thanks for your support. I can’t wait too – I wrote a letter to all the parts (I know they’re me/my parts, really but still not at that stage of integration where I think of them in that way!) at the start of the break (not even 3 bloody weeks yet!) to be opened the night before we see K again, because when that day comes (and it better had do) it will be a reminder that things change and life moves on and situations that feel like they’ll last forever can become a time to look back on… I hope I do get to open it one day! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This is so hard. Of course you miss her. She’s still there, even if you aren’t seeing her right now. I know that’s hard to hold onto. I hope you are able to take some time for yourself today to do whatever you need to do. Keep writing here. Even if people in real life won’t get it, we do. 💗

    Liked by 1 person

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