Hoax

***** Trigger warning ***** never-ending pandemic *****

Things became really activated and not okay after writing my last post about how I was, mostly, okay. It obviously brought to the surface things that had lain dormant and there were bad dreams about K and young parts were very upset and writing lots and just feeling generally fucked up and attachmenty. And I’m so tired and work is a struggle and more than anything I want K, in-person K, and to be able to snuggle under a blanket on a cushion on her floor and feel her close by.

Mostly I guess I’ve also realised – again – that K and I won’t be meeting in-person in the Spring and going back to how things were before March, not that soon and maybe not ever. Even a viable vaccine is going to take more than a year to distribute, even if all goes to schedule and it’s ready for mass roll out from next summer. And our government is fucking up everything so it’s hardly going to magically roll out a vaccine efficiently. Or even get its shit together over test and trace. Plus we know future pandemics are going to start to come in a big hot mess from now on and we’ll be lucky if a new one doesn’t start before we’ve got a vaccine or treatment for this one.

It’s no good people saying that we have to learn to live alongside this virus and that in-person work will have to resume at some point, because it’s not true. K will – rightly – put her health, and that of her son’s first, above her job, regardless of how important it is and how much she misses face-to-face work. She is doing a good enough job for most of her clients remotely. She works 3 days a week now and I’m sure can find enough clients who will benefit from working with her to fill those spaces, whatever the medium. She doesn’t need to risk her health. Just as I know at work that what I’m providing is different – and inferior in some ways – but I am prepared to do it all remotely to avoid being very ill and experiencing long-term symptoms similar to those I’ve battled nearly all my life. So I don’t judge her, but I do know she is very unlikely to return to in-person work before we have a vaccine or, at the very least a very accurate and rapid test. And by the time that happens, what other threats could humanity be inflicting on itself that will keep us apart?

My only hope is for a fast test that I can buy cheaply or get prescribed and take once-a-week, just as I am leaving for K’s, to confirm I’m not contagious. I don’t even know how likely this is to ever happen or if it would definitely mean I could go back.

And I feel so selfish and privileged that this is my top concern during a global pandemic because so many are suffering in countless ways and all I am missing in my life is K. To be honest, if things stay as they are now I could cope as I am seeing enough people and Nina is in school and there isn’t much I can’t do that I would like to do. Obviously I am finding it hugely stressful watching the world fall apart and people’s livelihoods get ruined and knowing how many are isolated and in despair, and it’s hard wondering if and when I will be stopped from seeing friends, but everything apart from not being able to see K is okay, in terms of how my actual life is now.

What is wrong with me that I can’t do this work remotely when so many others can? It is leaving me unsupported at a time of huge stress and uncertainty and leaving me unable to finish the work K and I started, leaving it and me suspended and unable to move forward. I miss her so much but even if tried to work remotely again I wouldn’t get what I need from her, and I am giving up hope that I ever will now. I don’t see how things will ever change.

14 thoughts on “Hoax”

  1. Don’t be afraid.
    Things will work out and nothing is wrong with you, at least not what you think is wrong.
    And it is okay to feel the need for someone else. We humans weren’t made to be alone all the time.
    But maybe your daughter also needs your love and wants to give you love back.
    Best wishes from my side and stay safe! Everything will be okay! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hey. ❤
        Just wanted to tell you, that I thought about you.
        And I hope you are okay (not completely freaking out or worse).

        -Sending love and hopefully some calmer nights-

        No need to answer. ♥️😔😌

        Like

  2. oh 😦 god. i feel you. and i don’t see anything wrong with you not being able to tolerate online therapy. i am equally happy for and envious of the people with therapists who are willing to do in person. it has been so long. so so sorry that you are hurting so badly. you are not alone.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I find doing the remote thing with my doctor has been really hard, and I don’t have any attachment trauma. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you and others who do have massive attachment trauma.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Would it be worth doing a session to see if it helps? Nothing gained then you know, but if it somehow soothes you then perhaps that’s a way forward again for the short term? You are so much between the rock and a hard place with this. Sending you wishes of peace in this time of storm 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks LS. Ugh, I don’t think K would let me/think a one-off was a good idea. She said I’d need to come back properly rather than dipping in and out as it would make things hard for both of us. And I think a session *would* soothe things right now but would I end up unable to tolerate online again within a week or two? I think I’ll feel like this till I know when we can meet f2f again, and that sucks because I’m stuck with it for months (forever?!) whether I do therapy or not 😔

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Maybe, now that you find yourself in the place you’re in, K might reconsider though? I dunno, I almost hesitate to suggest that in case you ask and feel rejected by her saying no. But I did think therapists allow dipping in and out sometimes, and these are exceptional circumstances of a world wide pandemic, a little flexibility would seem the right thing to do really. At least to try it and see if it works, then change back if it doesn’t. Hate the idea it might help you and yet you would somehow be blocked from doing it.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I can’t to telehealth so I am incredibly glad I can do in-person. Cases are relatively well controlled in my country now so we have been gradually lifting restrictions and dealing with the surge in cases. Which is dipping back down. People in my country are also talking about a new normal we have to adjust to but I am beyond grateful psychologists are considered essential workers and able to see people in person nation-wise.

    I’m so sorry you can’t do in-person with K for the foreseeable future. I know a blogger friend did telehealth but with both them and their T in their cars parked side by side. Would something like that help, even though it’s not the same as in-person? I do think rapid tests are being developed.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sending you so much love. I think you’re doing brilliantly – imagine this situation three years ago… I think you’d have coped very differently. No one is finding this pandemic easy- even ‘normal’ people so kudos to you. You’re hanging it together as best you can under hugely challenging circumstances. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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