She said no

K said no because her practice is currently full. She also said ‘I hear your wisdom in wanting to repay Dad and lift that weight financially. I also hear your reminder that online working was unhelpful for you.’

I am quite shocked. I don’t want to get into a discussion on here about whether or not she’s being reasonable because I have no way of resolving this rupture with her for at least 4 months so don’t want to exacerbate it for myself. I could argue it both ways to be honest as I’m not sure returning longer term would have worked and not made things difficult, but it really hurts she wouldn’t want to provide support. Maybe she thinks a few sessions wouldn’t have been enough or would be too hard after a 10 week break. It is just fucking heart-breaking that I really can’t have her support even if I want it now. I thought I had the option to return, but I guess my email sounded like I wasn’t sure that would be best. Which I’m not. But I still want and need her and I don’t know how to work out what to do about my brother without her. And now I can’t go back even if I want to. I wasn’t expecting that. It’s not what we agreed, though I know she couldn’t hold a space for me.

So I guess I’m really on my own till at least at March. And she might not have space then either I guess, or might say no as it will still be remote work then.

I wish I’d never reached out. We had left things well and this has ruined and confused everything.

62 thoughts on “She said no”

    1. Thank you little fairy. I am trying to take deep breaths and not spiral because having a rupture now is unbearable and N is on first day of half term today so is downstairs while I’m ‘working’. All the little parts were so excited about making her cards for Christmas, it’s been keeping them going knowing we can bundle them all up in the post in 6 weeks’ time, and now that feels impossible when she has done this. It’s very shocking and confusing. I’m sure she has good reasons but I wasn’t expecting that response at all. She suggested I take ‘this issue’ to a reiki practitioner I saw 3 times from January to March which is probably worse than the rest of it! As if they could ever understand the complexities of this when they don’t even know me or that I have C-PTSD/DID.

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      1. Oh my goodness that doesn’t sound holding or helpful, no wonder you are confused. Sending extra love to the little parts. How would you feel about me sending you some distance crystal/reiki healing? I’m not fully qualified but will ask to work for both our highest good and seek energy permission. Keep reaching out here. It will be ok xx

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      2. That would be lovely if you have capacity for it, thank you xx I’m reiki 1 but I never seem to manage to practice, even on myself.

        I need to reply to K’s email and get some clarification but I’m too triggered to do it now and worried I’ll sound sharp and angry and she won’t reply. I’m so scared she won’t let us go back at all ever now – it’s terrifying discovering once again that they really do hold all the power isn’t it! Thanks for being here xx

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      3. It will be my pleasure, will do it once I’ve collected my daughter from school. Give yourself some time to process etc before you reply to K, keep being gentle with yourself and the little parts. Will be in touch later xx

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      4. Thank you lovely. Would you mind if I sent you my email to check over? I am not going to send it till Monday, but I want to make sure it doesn’t sound prickly and isn’t open to being misconstrued! I’m also worried she won’t reply in case it gets into a to-ing and fro-ing conversation, but I really need clarity so am trying to keep it brief and reasonable!

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  2. Oh. My. God. CB, I don’t know what to say to you. I could hardly believe your words, I mean I totally believe them but this is not what was agreed!
    I am beginning to lose complete faith in the whole system I have to say. So many people here recently have been done over spectacularly by their therapists. I can only hope she had a good reason and maybe could have you on some sort of cancellation list or something? Thing is, that’s no good for you now, and could set up unrealistic expectations. I just don’t know what to say other than how shocked I am and can imagine how devastating this just feel. If there is anything I can do please don’t hesitate.

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    1. Thanks so much LS. I know you’re struggling yourself at present so it means even more that you are still able to reach out and offer support. Honestly I’m so shocked. I know because of her health she was having to be really boundaried about only working her set 3 days a week, so I can sort of see why she wouldn’t offer one-off sessions without space. But also, she is basically saying she won’t work with me remotely I think, so that means even come March I can’t go back if the covid situation is still as it is. And I don’t even know if I can go back now, like it just feels utterly heartless not to say “I can do 3 one-off sessions to support you with this”. I’m sure she thinks she’s doing the right thing, but I thought we agreed I could go back and she also told me she wasn’t taking on new work at the moment so wouldn’t have a waiting list. What a mess.

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      1. She DID agree those thing, or at least that was my understanding of it!
        And if she said she’s not taking on new work, how the hell did your space get taken?!

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      2. Well when I was worried she wouldn’t have space for me in March she said she couldn’t keep the space open for me till then (obv) but that she doesn’t have a waiting list at the moment and so thinks it’s very unlikely there wouldn’t be space for me come March.

        I think there are a few separate issues here. 1) she doesn’t want me dipping in and out for crisis support over the next 4 or 5 months (which I don’t like but do understand as it would be disruptive and confusing for everyone and young parts in particular, but we are in a pandemic and I’m not sure the normal ‘rules’ should apply or if anyone knows what is ‘best’ anymore) and so I’d need to go back properly which she doesn’t think I should do because remote work was too hard for me, and 2) that she doesn’t have space at the moment for me to go back anyway (which I’m not sure is true, I think she’s reluctant to engage remotely with me again, which I understand but also yikes!)

        I want to email for clarification on where I stand if I want to go back sooner than March, because our agreement was that I could ask to return and wouldn’t need to justify it because i’d have thought it through properly, so I’ve held that as an option. But also – is she likely to say she has no space in March now? Because then we’re not actually on a break… But I don’t want to get triggered by her response and I need to deal with my brother situation also so I need to not be triggered by bloody therapy!! When I’m not even in it!

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      3. I know, that’s pretty twisted to be triggered by it when you’re not even receiving it. I’ve decided therapy is a special kind of torture anyway. Sigh. Told you I’m not the right person to talk to just right now!
        I do agree though, normal rules went out of the window on 23rd March 2020.
        I do hope you can managed to get some sort of resolution from this, I really do. And then get the support you need for right now too.

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      4. Oh man, yeah. The first 3 and a half years were pure torture. It felt like it was killing me honestly. Yeah, I am trying to think who to reach out to to talk it through with but it’s hard to know who won’t just trigger me more because it’s so complex. My brother is not a ‘normal’ person feeling distressed who could then access the regular routes of support. He is totally isolated, dependent on his abuser, unable to engage with social support, etc. etc. This is why it hurts that K has said no – my brother is by far the most complex thing I deal with, it’s not parenting or my health or my dad where I can go elsewhere for support, even my estranged mum would be more straightforward tbh because she has other support and doesn’t have a psychosocial disability. It is a fucking mess and K is the only person who has ever properly understood it all.

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      6. Agree. I am thinking of contacting another T to talk about this ffs. I can’t believe I’m in a rupture while on a 6 month break. Could not make this shit up!!

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      8. Sorry, hit send too soon!
        I completely get how you feel about K being the only person who ever properly understood. I felt like that about T. It’s a hard place because it keeps us stuck to them.

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      9. Yeah and ultimately I need to remind myself I understand it now too, when I didn’t used to. But it’s hard after years of not trusting my perceptions and memories or what I need/deserve after years of narcissistic abuse to know what is right or real!

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      10. Yea I’m exactly the same right now. After trying to get me to trust myself, I’ve just been clobbered with (what feels like punishment) negativity for doing exactly that. Confusing times.

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    2. I actually don’t believe her that her practice is full. I think she just doesn’t think a few sessions would help or that I should go back to online therapy longer term. Maybe I should set up a fake account and contact her to see if she has space for new clients at the moment?!

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      1. I don’t either. I think they seem to find lying is somehow justified, though I don’t know why. It’s really disappointing. But I could be talking from y own warped view here right now. Not feeling the happiest about therapists just right now!
        Totally get why you might set up a fake account though. I bet she’ll know it’s you though. And what if you find she accepts you? That might be like checking up on my therapist on Skype to see if he’s seeing people when he told me he won’t. Argh. I dunno. It’s all shit. I’m so sorry this probably isn’t helping you, unless it helps you to hear me moaning with you?!

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      2. I just think if I did that and she said ‘yes, I have some space’ it would break us forever. I could never go back knowing she lied, even if she thought it was for my own good! So that would be awful and I would lose her forever. Plus she’s bound to bloody know it’s me!

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      3. Yeah. I’m kind of in that situation myself too, actually. Except my ‘proof’ could be disputed. And actually I’m being reprimanded for daring to check in the first place. But yeah, something inside breaks doesn’t it? I know what you say is true, it would break that bond of trust, and trust is a special bond to have.

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      4. Is this from Wednesday when he cancelled your session? I’d have done the same thing! Has he said why he cancelled? Yeah, stuff like that leaves me feeling shattered inside. I don’t think K has every lied to me, not to my knowledge and she is a Buddhist so it is part of her philosophy to always tell the truth.

        I’m trying to trust that she cares about me and is thinking of me, not just herself. And that she’s not just being cold and putting up a boundary. Her email was warm and who knows – maybe it is for the best? It’s more not knowing where I stand longer term that is scary. And also just… like, wouldn’t you just say of course we can do a session or two? After 5 years. When someone you care about is that distressed. I am hoping that having to say no hurts her too!

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      5. Yeah it was this week’s Tuesday cancellation. He wouldn’t tell me whether he was or wasn’t seeing clients, and so didn’t give any reasons. So I told him the only logical conclusion I can take from that is he WAS seeing other clients.
        I’m not sure if this is mendable. Anyway, your situation may well be different. And I’m told by T that I’m not right about how I view this. And it has to change. So it’s probably better that you don’t listen to the likes of me, if what he says is true (I’d hate to ruin your therapy as well as my own!).

        After 5 years, I would expect a different service to someone who sees her after 5 weeks or even 5 months. And if I ever see another therapist I’d expect their long term clients have a different level of service too. Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m not, but it’s just what I think.

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      6. Yeah, so K would always tell me why she had to cancel or if anything ever changed because it is important for attachment trauma that we know what is happening and why, so we don’t blame ourselves and so on. I hope it is mendable for you, I really do. I don’t know what was said of course, but I don’t think you’re wrong to want to know if he cancelled just your session.

        I agree. I do think there’s different expectations after a long time working together. I think there must be gratitude about having a reliable client who was a fixed income source for so long (who with attachment trauma ever cancels or takes breaks?!) and a certain level of loyalty is owed to them. I’m not really sure what she could have done though. It’s always been impossible and this just shows how bloody hard this whole thing is.

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      7. Just an aside, how do you know that’s important for attachment trauma? I couldn’t fight my corner for lack of knowledge. Would have been helpful to have quoted any recognised particular therapist models or key names in that area. But I guess when someone’s mind is that made up, it can be pretty impossible to reason with them.

        You’d have thought my T would value that I’ve never missed a session and have paid £10,000 in total now. Makes my eyes water to write that. But you know what? Apparently, since coronavirus, they’re fighting over him and he’s having to turn people away. So he doesn’t need my reliability. He’s got plenty of work stacked up to last him through to retirement.

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      8. It was K who told me so I don’t know what it’s based on other than the need for certainty, stability, trust, predictability, etc. for these clients. And because young parts and people with AT always assume everything is their fault or because of them and can’t trust if things will be the same from one day to the next. I could never believe K would be there and wouldn’t slam the door in my face for example, not for years. One time K promised we could see the dogs and then we didn’t for some reason and after the session we were a mess so we text and said how sad we were and that we didn’t know why we didn’t see them. And she replied something about young parts absolutely needing to know why and explained what had happened and about them being too far away in the garden and stuff. And she has just always told me where she is going and showed me photos of her Portugal house so I could picture where she’d be on holiday, and showed me on a map and so on. And if she’s cancelled, which I think has only happened 2 or 3 times she’s told me why e.g. cold, thyroid, going to protest in London!

        I’m not even going to tell you how much I’ve spent just on therapy with K. It’s more than my house deposit was!

        I’m really sorry T is fighting back so hard against this. I’m sure he really values you as a client, but it’s hard to hold on to that when things are so difficult.

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      9. T today told me we have to keep the young parts boundaries, like as though to not do so would be pandering to them. I’m not sure he’s the right person for the type of therapy I need, yet I cannot deny he’s been brilliant in so many ways. I’m really distraught by that. He let me apologise for something I didn’t feel was my fault but he was adamant was (checking on whether he HAD been seeing clients when he was ‘ill’, and then asking him about it when I found it looked like he had been).
        I’ve lived for nearly 2 year expecting my T to slam the door in my fact, as you described your situation with K, and today it feels like he has, even though he says these are his terms and if I can stick them he’s committed to staying with me. But that feels like a threat of: behave or you’re out.

        I want to believe I’m valued as a client and he’s alluded to that at times, but that was before I became too much trouble for him! I’m sure if I crawl back in my box he might accept me again. God knows, might even get called best client again, but I somehow doubt it. And I’m not sure I can get in there box either.
        Anyway, this is about you, not about me. And your situation there sounds really difficult for you, and I’m really sorry for that. I just hope somehow things can work out for you,

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      10. I know it’s really hard, but try and sit with what YOU need rather than imagining life without T. We can get so hung up on them that we forget that our needs are most important (I couldn’t bear the thought of 6 months without K, and it’s hard definitely, but I still maintain it was the right thing, despite this shitty, shitty day). It is not ‘pandering’ to young parts to give them stability, security, a voice, etc. They need love and safety modelled so that they feel safe and so that adult you can learn to hear them and love them too.

        You might be right he’s not the one to do depth attachment work with. I have from time-to-time wondered why this doesn’t play more of a central role in your therapy but could also see you’ve been busy doing very valuable work around H, your parenting, boundaries, past traumas, etc. and so wondered if that was why. So you’re not doing attachment work with him and yet that stuff is always in the field for attachment/developmental trauma survivors, so if it’s not worked with it is there anyway and comes out in other ways, like this rupture and you ‘checking up on him’ (which I guarantee nearly everyone on here would have done in your situation, were they able to, given that it was on the back of a rupture and so didn’t seem a ‘genuine’ cancellation).

        I hope I’m not speaking out of turn here, but I have wondered over the last few weeks if T really does know how to do attachment work, rather than just knowing about it, because it seems bigger than just him being triggered, and shows a lack of understanding too. Of course I might be totally wrong, but I would want to know how he was planning for you to work with this material going forward, because these ruptures will undoubtedly happen again
        and in many ways are the work.

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      11. This has actually been a really useful post, CB, thank you for it. Especially on a day like you are experiencing today!
        I’ve begun to wonder if he’s had the type of attachment training I need to work with on this. But strangely, I wonder, would I even want to attach to a different therapist? The therapeutic alliance is supposedly just as much about the relationship as it is the skills used.
        But his view on it today seemed to be that I need to be the parent for my own inner children, who need strong, firm boundaries and not allowed to run the show.
        Perhaps I am sensing he is willing to let me go because he doesn’t feel he has this particular expertise. Or maybe he feels his tough love approach works best. Hard to tell. Anyway, how does a person find someone who DOES this kind of work? His website speaks of attachment and trauma specialism, so it’s all a bit confusing.

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      12. Hmmm, I see a lot people saying the relationship is more important than the model, but I disagree to a certain extent. I think the relationship is hugely important, the most important thing for healing relational trauma by far, but… if a T doesn’t have the expertise, ability, skills, understanding, capacity, etc. to work with a particular client, particularly one with relational trauma, then the relationship alone won’t save the work or bring the needed healing. And it could implode regardless of how much love and care there is too. I’ve pushed K to her absolute limits at times and her firm, clear, boundaries and knowledge and experience with CPTSD and structural dissociation has pulled us through, not just our attachment relationship. So I think both are needed. A lovely, warm therapist who is inexperienced won’t be able to hold work of this intensity.

        I absolutely agree inner children or whatever you want to call them need clear, firm boundaries but they also need love and warmth and safety and to be able to reach out and get support to learn it’s ok to do that. You can’t parent them if you don’t know how. That’s the T’s role. K’s boundaries were flexible but always 100% clear, anytime they weren’t = rupture. E.g. our weekly check-in email was to hold me between our Wed and Monday sessions and make sure a crisis didn’t develop with lots of texting and a potential rupture because she didn’t respond how I needed due to living her own life at the time!

        I’m happy to talk this through LS, because it’s a good distraction and also because I’ve felt a little worried about this for you lately.

        You can definitely find Ts who can work with this. ESTD can put you in touch, and also pods although ESTD requires more training before recommending. I also find First Person Plural helpful – I know you don’t experience yourself as multiple, but they support and provide training on the spectrum of DDs.

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      13. Yes that does make sense, I guess you can be the nicest, most caring person on this planet but if you don’t know what you’re doing then your help is limited.
        I’m glad this has been a welcome distraction and I’ve been helped by what your written today, thank you. I’ll check out the ESTD website too .

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      14. Oh and god yeah, I really hear the ultimatum there! But as I said, this stuff is in the field so you can’t just put it in a box and be compliant.

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      18. The password is **** – I chose a password I’ve never used.

        Honestly I’m not sure if it majes much sense as I was just writing and going round in circles. It would be much clearer if I was trying to explain it to you. Was just trying to put it down here.

        CB could you delete this comment? Or edit the password out.

        Lotsa love to you both… been thinking of you….

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  4. I’m sorry hun that really sucks. You shouldn’t have to commit to long term therapy to be able to have a session with a therapist. Even if K doesn’t think that online therapy is helpful because it hasn’t been so far, it doesn’t mean it can’t be. I understand if it’s a capacity thing, but it still seems cold. Her attitude gives the impression of privilege at times. Whatever it is, it’s not a reflection of you.
    Sending you love xx

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    1. I agree. It does seem cold. I do imagine she has my best interest’s at heart, but it doesn’t feel that way. I expressed doubts about returning to weekly sessions in my email last night, and I think she would tell me to honour that. And I guess I need the support now around this situation, so if she has no capacity for a week or two it’s not very helpful even if she wasn’t against one-off sessions for support. I wish I’d never emailed as it has made things that felt certain and under my control feel very wobbly now.

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      1. Yeah I always try to see the best in people but it just seems mean. I understand what you have said about irregular sessions being destabilising for younger parts which is hopefully what she is considering, but that the normal rules are hard to apply in a pandemic. People stop and start therapy for all sorts of reasons so it shouldn’t be conditional. If she has concerns about consistency she should say so.

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      2. Yeah I don’t think she’s trying to be mean, I think she’s trying to do the right thing and remind me of my wisdom and certainty about a break being right for me, but it has the same impact. It’s not like I’m taking a break from therapy because I decided I didn’t need it anymore and had a plan in place for dealing with situations like this if they arose. I was forced to take a break because of the pandemic and I do think that requires flexibility, or at least a discussion around what might and might not work. Unless her practice really is full currently I guess…

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  5. Oh love! I’ve just come on here and seen all this. You poor thing. I can imagine how bloody destabilising this feels. I’m so sorry. I understand why K might have doubts about ad hoc sessions but surely after all this time together she can work with what’s in front of her. To say no bus an email feels really distancing too. Could you maybe ask to call her? I dunno what to say but you know where I am and I’m sending love your way x

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    1. Oh man, I feel she’d pull an Em on me if I asked her to call me! I honestly do get her reluctance to do ad hoc sessions – they could end up quite regular and cause issues and ruptures if they weren’t available at other times of need. Plus how would young parts react, would they want to talk to her, would that cause a mess? Like I can see why she wouldn’t want to do this, but I also think during a pandemic when my brother’s situation is even worse than it’s ever been and things are hard enough before this, she could have take some time to work out how some temporary support might work without making a mess. Plus is she saying I can’t go back ever to remote work? Because that’s not what we agreed! I wish I hadn’t emailed because this was not what I needed on top of the brother situation! x

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  7. My blood ran cold when I read the title of this post. I can’t believe this. I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I can only imagine how distressing this is. Is there anything that would help right now? If you want to talk, you can email me. I’m just so, so sorry. Hugs to you and the young parts of they would like them.

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      1. It makes perfect sense. K has always sounded so similar to Bea, I never would have expected this to be her answer. I have to wonder if this pandemic (and the election, state of the world, ect ect in the US at least) is effecting therapists badly. I read something about the whole world feeling stress and trauma right now. I don’t know if that’s true or not….It just seems like so many are struggling right now. Either way, regardless of the why, I know this is devastating. Hugs to all the parts of you. 🤗💗

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      2. Yeah, I do think a lot are really struggling. My work gives me respite from the state of the world for the most part, but I guess Ts are right in it all the time. Old K would have text last night and offered me a session today, but her capacity changed anyway due to the pandemic and I know she was struggling and had less to give. I only hope some of this passes (Trump, Covid, our shitty and inept government in the UK…) and that K and I find each other again next year. Thank you for understanding xx

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      3. I feel like I’m a bit of a child still— and clearly privileged—I know the state of the world is really stressful and scary, but I sort of live in a bit of a bubble. Mostly because whatever happens, I believe Hubby will keep me and Kat safe and will take care of things. I know it’s a simplistic view, but that’s how I feel 98% of the time. Anyway, I imagine work was— is?— a good distraction for you. It’s no one’s fault, but it is really unfair how so many therapists’ capacity has changed because of the pandemic and other stressors. I hope you and K find each other again, too. It’s really too bad that you guys couldn’t just have a scheduled phone call. I wonder if it would feel safe to reach out again and ask her if you guys could even just have a meeting to discuss some logistical things like crisis management, what boundaries could be put in place to keep things safe for all the parts of you if you guys did have a few sessions to manage a crisis, what returning to therapy will look like, ect. I don’t know, but it feels like even just getting some clear answers around those things might help. Obviously it won’t help or give support around your brother’s situation and all the triggers that come from that, but maybe it would help some of the parts feel a bit more settled to have some clear answers?

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      4. I won’t reach out again 😦 I was aware she might not agree to one-off session/s although I did think she’d see how bad this is and want to help and that we could have discussed how to make them work. It’s only been 10 weeks so in some ways a one-off conversation or two would have been easy. I think she’d want to wait until we started up again to discuss how to take things forward. Plus I have to be prepared in March for a return to bloody online therapy, if the stupid Covid situation hasn’t changed. We left things clearly in August and it is frustrating that this is muddied the waters about going back sooner if I’m in need, and whether she’ll have space.

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  8. Oh CB. It’s terrible to read about this. I really don’t have any words of wisdom but I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. Total shit situation for sure…xx

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