Ready for it?

Are we being told a vaccine with 90% efficacy is going to be rolled out in the UK next year? This news seems to have been overlooked on my part with all the focus on the US election and I kind of ignored it yesterday because the press have had us all on a rollercoaster of hopes and setbacks about a potential vaccine this past year… but it does seem as though this may actually happen in the UK next year now.

Of course there are a million reasons to be happy about this, not for myself but for all those who are struggling and suffering, but being able to return to therapy is the thing that obviously comes to mind most for me, or is the thing that I write about here at least… And over the past couple of weeks I’ve really been feeling kind of ambivalent about returning to be honest- it is nice to have a break and I would recommend it to anyone who asked, if they’d been in long term therapy and had reached a place of relative stability, because it has given me chance to develop my internal resources and get much more of a sense of self. A lot of the work K and I have done is getting integrated and it is giving me a clearer sense of what I do and don’t want from therapy and my life in future. So I’m not sure I want to go back in case it stirs things up again, although in some ways I am confident that things will continue on this trajectory as I can see myself a lot more clearly than I could back in March (and lack of self, really, is where all my difficulties come from, so this is huge). It’s nice being just me and I am aware that going back may not be right, that I may get there and realise we need a few ending sessions instead. Who knows? I’m not even trying to decide or work this out yet, just letting it be there and noticing all the mixed thoughts and emotions that are coming up.

Young parts have been pretty quiet recently, to the point where I thought maybe they’d all integrated (ha!), but there is a lot of chatter and excitement at the moment because, if all goes well, then it means we will be able to see K next year. And I’m pretty sure we will go back, despite the ambivalence, but to be honest I’ll be glad if it’s after February so that I’m done with the TRE sessions and have paid off a load more debt. I’m guessing early summer is more realistic, based on what I’ve read, and to be honest – never thought I’d be saying this – that is okay with me. I don’t think I’ll return to remote therapy now that it looks like that won’t be a permanent or indefinite thing, and instead will wait till K returns to in-person work.

Little people really want to send K a message because they are so excited, but I’m holding them back in case it is not received well and saving it for our Christmas cards next month. And of course there is plenty of time for our government to fuck up rolling out the vaccine like they’ve messed up so many other things!