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Can’t survive till Spring

I knew this lockdown was coming since at least the start of December. I knew schools would close again. I don’t know why it has hit me so hard this time but it really, really has. Nina being home all the time is driving me up the fucking wall. Whatever the government is promising about February half-term is batshit crazy, especially for secondary school students, and home-schooling is here until at least Easter. I am deemed a critical worker this time and she can go to school to do her remote learning under supervision from an education assistant, so I’ve booked her in for 3 days a week from tomorrow. But 1) that doesn’t feel enough given this is the worst time of year work-wise for me and I’ll be working weekends as well for the next month or so, and 2) apparently the environment there is really not conducive to learning and she’d be in a room with other Y9 students doing different ‘live’ lessons so it will be hard to participate as they’ll all be disturbing each other. She needs my help to organise her learning (we’re waiting on an ADD assessment – a topic for another post, sometime, maybe, it’s too overwhelming right now) but I don’t have capacity. It’s a shit show. I was already really worried about her future, GCSEs, etc. before this latest school closure because of the ADD, but this just makes it 100 times more overwhelming. She is going to see how the learning is in school but I suspect she’ll end up home anyway after next week.

Add to this that work is mad but I can’t focus or sleep enough to settle things, the world is continuing to free fall through disaster, I can’t see my friends, and the fact that K didn’t bother to read or reply to a new year text I sent on Monday (ffs!), and things feel pretty dire.

This afternoon I’m going for acupuncture with R and having my first hug since January last year (yes, I hug Nina all the time, but that is not ‘having a hug’, it is not reciprocal, it is all giving and no soothing) so basically I’m paying for a hug and someone to listen because I can’t do this anymore. The next few months feel totally unmanageable and I don’t know how to restabilise when work is so intense and Nina is here all the time

I also think I need to arrange 6 online sessions with K to end our work. This feels a devastating prospect in some ways, but I think it might be best. When there is talk of needing Covid restrictions in place next winter, and possibly the one after that as well, I strongly suspect she will keep working online only indefinitely. I suspect she partly didn’t reply to my message on Monday because I asked if we could still go back later this year and she is aware that I probably won’t be able to. Maybe I’m wrong and I’m just trying to protect myself by creating certainty where there is none, and preparing for the worst in a defensive way, but honestly – she has enough clients willing to work online and probably always will now. She doesn’t need to see me. We would both be sad but I can’t help thinking I should draw a line. Our work feels so unfinished, so many loose threads and open boxes, and maybe it would feel better to pack it all up together, even online, and for me to let go and move on.

I won’t act on this desire for closure yet, but things feel so bleak right now with this fucking virus, and until humans change their destructive, planet-destroying ways I think it will just keep evolving and demanding that we develop different ways to beat it that will take time each time, and so I can kind of see it coming as a necessity. Maybe I need to continue to find ways of supporting myself that are unaffected by the virus and people that are willing and able to work in-person despite its presence,because it is too unsettling waiting. I really want K’s support around Nina’s ADD, and this is something that will be valuable forever really, or at least until she leaves home, but at the same time remote work causes me so much pain that it would come at too high a price. And sometimes I think I would be better cutting ties with all this uncertainty and focusing more on the strength I have inside myself and in the people who aren’t wanting to keep me at arm’s length for any longer than they need to at this time.

17 thoughts on “Can’t survive till Spring”

  1. I’m sorry, CB. This is all so shit. The K stuff — I am just nodding my head in agreement and understanding, and I know you will sit with it for awhile and make the best agreement. She can have a roster of online clients and only one who comes in person, it’s allowed ❤ But moreover, I am sorry your govt has deemed you an essential worker when you could very well be doing it at home.. lots of love to you!! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah no, the good news is we’re critical workers even where we’re working from home! So I’m home still. Yeah, there have always been so many things K could have done differently – last summer there were 2 or 3 cases a week, mostly from holidays, in our area of 800,000 so the fact she wouldn’t even see me then says a lot. I’m not sure her anxiety over corona will ever abate now, with the likelihood of new variations and outbreaks from time to time, and to be honest it exacerbates mine knowing how anxious she is and what it could mean for my future with her. Maybe as her friends return to in-person work this year she will though because they’ll tell her how good it is! It’s weird because I don’t feel desperately in need of her, but it’s unsettling not knowing what will happen and ultimately not that good for me if it drags on till summer – I can’t return to online without there being an end in sight when we will meet again. I guess nearer the time I said I’d contact her I’ll work out what to do and I’ll probably need to ask her if she has a sense of longer term plans and what the covid situation needs to be before she’ll work in the room again. Seeing R yesterday was wonderful and he is so pragmatic about the virus and says loads of people have found long covid resolves with 1 or 2 acupuncture treatments. I feel like I’m bumping up against K’s Achilles heel all the time and, whilst I get her son is a cause for concern, I think this has a lot to do with her overactive threat system as well (my sister is same and hasn’t left her flat since March – so much healthier than getting a virus 🤦🏻‍♀️). How are things your end? Xx

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  2. I’m so sorry it’s come to this, for you. Having a sense of unfinished work, yet no way of completing it satisfactorily, is difficult to read and so I can only imagine this discomfort for you. I wonder, with Nina in key worker school. Would there be a chance of outdoor walking therapy instead of indoor? I could be remembering wrong but was that ever mooted before? I vaguely seem to recall the idea that Nina being around would make it impossible. But I could be mixing you up with somebody else, if so I’m so sorry.
    It’s just the reason I ask is T has gone back to online but is still prepared to see me, social distancing, outdoors. K might consider it done that controversial convergence during last lockdown in some UK holiday resorts, left people holding their breath waiting for a surge in COVID numbers that didn’t actually happen, which some think now is because it was all outdoors. It seems such a shame to have for this far and feel you have more distance to travel, but feeling equally unable to do the journey. I really hope by someone way or another there can be an answer that nobody’s thought of yet, so you don’t have to have this temporary loss become permanent.

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    1. Thanks LS. It wasn’t me as Nina is old enough to leave home alone. K wasn’t prepared to do outdoor work last summer for various reasons, some of which made sense and others which didn’t. I don’t know if this will change this year, and partly I am just done in with it mattering so much what she does, if that makes sense! When I am not dysregulated I am able to sit with this uncertainty, and while it is sad I also know I will be ok whatever happens. When I was in the thick of the work the idea of things ending like this would have been intolerable. but it feels mostly okay now because I want to go back but I don’t feel I need to in the way I once would have – I have internalised her as a ‘good enough’ mother now I think, and the rest would be tying up loose ends. It is deeply sad and there are times when I really miss her, but I can come back to myself and accept how things are even though it is not what I want. I am incredibly happy for you that T is still prepared to see you for your outdoors sessions so that you don’t have to endure the absolute nightmare that is online therapy!!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s great you’re in the place you are; that it can be something you can tolerate even if it’s not your first choice, but I also hear what you’re saying about tying up lose ends and missing K. These people are so significant to us, I think we will carry them with us in a special place forever. That’s how I feel about T, anyway. I am lucky T is prepared to still see me in a socially distanced way outdoors, though not so sure he’ll be as keen when it’s tipping it down with rain! I really don’t know what we will end up doing when that happens in this lovely wet island!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Uck, good luck with that! This winter is shaping up to be drier than the last at least so I hope you don’t have too many disruptions! I think I’d tolerate the uncertainty even less than the lack of therapy to be honest but you seem more flexible around when your sessions are than me!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. YeAh. I feel and for saying that because we actually did some good work on Skype. But it’s really not the same as meeting in real life. As much as anything else, the frustration of blocky connections was awful!


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