K-shaped hole

I miss K so much. I cannot bear this. The pain of missing her and not being able to reach her is killing me the last 2 days. Why am I like this? The hole in me is excruciating. This pain isn’t all about K, I know this, it is about me. But it’s also about K and what she is, what she has had to be, to all of us.

I can’t believe next week I will email and likely find out if I’ll see her this year. The dread and anxiety is building but so is the need to see her, re-connect, be with her. I’m torturing myself listening back to our penultimate session. It is soothing and painful all in one. It is so familiar and so out of reach, how she is with us all. She knows all of us and everything about us. She knows our whole story. She was so clear this was just a break, not an ending. Will she be expecting me to return next month? Is that what I should do? Sometimes I still can’t believe this is real. It is 6 months today since our last session.

I miss her voice. I miss her presence. I miss her words and wisdom. I miss how she listened to us. I miss her way of being with us. I miss how predictable and steady and solid she is. I miss having someone who worked so hard to make us all feel safe.

I am so scared she’ll say she can’t work with us again. And if we extend the break then it feels like this is more likely to happen. Maybe I should go back so I know she is there. It has been so long of this now. I can’t do this anymore. I miss her and just want to see her and to know if things are going to be okay.

18 thoughts on “K-shaped hole”

  1. This is so painful! It reminds me somewhat of when L was gone, and even shortly after she came back, when I would just yearn and yearn for even a few moments to speak with her and be in her presence. As the anticipation builds, I’m sure the anxiety does. Please be kind to yourself during this period of emotion; think about some good distraction techniques!

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    1. Thank you 🙏🏼 I definitely need to find some healthier distractions to get me through the next week or so. I hope things with L have settled a bit now. I imagine if and when I go back to therapy this year I will be really triggered after each session for a while. Still, I’ll take that over never going back I guess!

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  3. Hi CB, this sounds like a very tricky place to be in and I can imagine quite triggering around the anxiety of what will happen. What are your options for starting back up with her? Sorry if you’ve written that somewhere already! Do you think you’d manage to actually talk to her via zoom or something rather than email? I wish I had something more helpful to say. I’ve recently listened back to some interesting podcasts you might enjoy as a distraction, happy to email them to you if you think it would help. As always sending much love and light. Xx

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    1. Hi LLF. It is a tricky time – it has been building for a month now and I’m finding it very hard as it’s so unsettling. I did blog last week with what I’ve decided which is basically to email her next week and ask what her plans are around returning to in-person work – is she waiting till her and her son have had their second dose of the vaccine or will she open up to some clients after the first has taken effect, and would she consider outdoor work with me once the weather improves (I suspect not, but want to ask)? I’m going to say I need to know where she is with things, even though I know she can’t give definitive timescales, before I decide what to do. So I guess I’ll hear back from her next week and will be able to decide then, but I’ll be extending the break till she’s in-person or till autumn (I’ll go back to remote in the autumn if she’s still not in-person, but I don’t want to do online work over summer because my life and therapy have always had a very different quality then and I think it would be jarring and triggering). I am going to say in my email that I’m not averse to returning to remote therapy for a time, but that a sense of how long it would be for is needed as extending the break a little might be best. I actually really don’t want to return to online therapy, but I don’t want to give her that impression because it might end up being my only option one day and I don’t want her to refuse on this basis!

      Sorry for the essay! I have been wondering how you are doing, with therapy and the divorce and healing. I’d love to have the podcasts so please do send them across when you get a minute.

      Sending love and light to you too xx

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  6. I hope that you’re able to see K in the summer. K’s son should be getting vaccinated soon which I hope will make her see things more rationally. If she is over 50 she should be vaccinated by the end of May I think. Although I hope that time and knowledge will mean that she is more rational about seeing you in person. Hiding away forever won’t benefit her.
    I have everything crossed for you. xx

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    1. Thanks, I really hope I get to see her this summer too. I don’t think she plans to hide away forever so hopefully once her son is less at risk then she’ll return to in-person. I hope things are okay with you, have missed your updates xx

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      1. Good! It was hard not to be angry with her last summer despite how early on in the pandemic we were. You deserve to end it, or wind sessions down, when you feel ready. That’s nice thank you! I’ll hopefully post later today. I’m planning to anyway. xx

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  7. I really hope you make contact and get the session you need. This has been – and still is – so hard for you, you’ve done amazingly well to get this far. 🤞 Really hoping for your best possible outcome .

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    1. Thanks LS. Whatever happens I’ll be glad when it’s this time next week and I have more of an idea of what will happen over the coming months. Thanks for your support throughout this whole crazy year!xx

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