Unexpected

Dear CB,

I hope you are well. I wonder if it would be helpful to speak briefly to find a way forward. I could do that at 3 today or 11 tomorrow.

Let me know if you would like to do that.

Warm wishes,

K.

So this was an unexpected text to receive this morning. I had just got back from my morning bike ride, committed to not checking my emails until I’d showered and meditated as I knew hearing from K could set my day off course again, and her text was there when I looked at my phone. We are going to speak at 11 tomorrow. I don’t know if it will be to discuss how to end our work appropriately, or if it will to consider whether we could try working online again for a few sessions and then end if it doesn’t work, but either way it is better than the alternatives.

I am trying not to be hopeful but I really don’t want to end our work and I can’t help but hope that maybe she is open to at least trying to work online again. If not, I hope she has been able to at least take in how damaging it would be for our work to end in this way given the depths we went to together, and all the open boxes left on the therapy shelf, and that we would need more than one or two sessions to close things appropriately.

Who knows what she is thinking though? This year she has behaved in some pretty surprising ways!

19 thoughts on “Unexpected”

  1. “To find a way forward”…. And “warmest wishes” sprung out to me from that. Wow CB. I think at this point in time it means everything and nothing, but I hadn’t expected that! I’ve got everything crossed for you 🤞♥️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks LS. Totally unexpected! Yeah everything and nothing feels about right 😅 I don’t know what to think really so will try not to raise my hopes too much and see what she is thinking ‘the way forward’ should involve…

      Liked by 4 people

      1. Tomorrow. I have a one-to-one yoga session booked for this afternoon. I am going to spend some time considering the most important things I want to convey to her. Let’s hope she gives me more than a few minutes to discuss something so important!

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Haha yeah!! I’d probably rather have done today but it just wouldn’t have worked timewise and it does at least give me time to make sure I don’t ramble or freeze and end up not saying the key things!

        Liked by 3 people

    1. Funny you should say that as I have already written in my soul journal (like writing from my higher self to the truest part of me I guess) and really felt into the sense that it is in my highest good to work with K again. This week is also Libra new moon – a time for rebirths and also restoring healthy balance to our lives (which I’ve interpreted as meaning it’s time to learn or test my ability to take support from someone without losing myself entirely, which is what my whole healing journey has been about really – can I now take in relationship with K without losing the ability to see myself through my own eyes and keeping myself as the biggest person in my own life?).

      Of course I can’t control what she decides or offers, but being really clear about what I wan and what is good for my long -term healing feels really important, so I approach the call without ambivalence and feel able to assert what is right for me (even if I don’t get it).

      Liked by 4 people

      1. Same! I do it ever morning now, before I meditate and it is amazing how much that part loves me and sees the best in me, gently encouraging me to change and move forward by being compassionate and wise 💜

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m glad to see this. I know what you mean about “trying not to hope,” bc the disappointment can be so painful! How about if I carry the hope for you? 💜

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes please Q, I would be honoured if you would carry hope for me. I can’t help but be hopeful really because in my heart I know this is not how K and I’s story is meant to end, but I can’t allow myself to stay with this and be crushed again.

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  3. well, I would love K to prove wrong my contention that all the therapists have gone bonkers. but I think your beautiful writing DID crack her ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Man I hope so!! I mean whatever tomorrow brings I am hopeful that I’ll at least get a decent ending. I will be asking her to consider a trial of working online together again though, once she has space. That’s what I want and what seems sane in this situation 😬

      Liked by 4 people

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