Intolerable

I cannot survive this pain. The pain of being motherless is intolerable. It is unbearable. I cannot survive. I don’t think I’ve felt the mother wound at this intensity before. It is genuinely horrific. I am smashed to pieces inside. Obliterated.

Annihilated.

It is the worst pain imaginable and I suspect it is a body memory which makes it even worse. How did I survive this pain as a baby? It hurts even more because I know K cannot soothe it even if she were here. No one and nothing can take away this pain.

I want to die.

I feel like this pain will kill me.

I cannot survive this.

How can that person be my mother? It makes me feel all kinds of horrific things knowing what I know about her, knowing she will never change. When does this end? How can I have spent so many years trying to recover from what my own mother did to me?

I don’t see K till Friday. She said yesterday we could bring it forward if I needed but I can’t because I have so much on at work. Friday feels like an eternity away. I have never felt this bad about being motherless before. And I am scared that each time it comes it hits harder. How much is still to come?

How will I ever recover from the damage she did to me? How many levels of realisations are there?

I want K to sit with me as this wild, untamed, primal pain pours out of me. I want her beside me as I feel this. I want to scream and scream until every piece of this annihilating pain has left my body. I want to sit with her afterwards and settle into the stillness after my body has purged itself of this horror.

I cannot survive this pain. I can’t.