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Intolerable

I cannot survive this pain. The pain of being motherless is intolerable. It is unbearable. I cannot survive. I don’t think I’ve felt the mother wound at this intensity before. It is genuinely horrific. I am smashed to pieces inside. Obliterated.

Annihilated.

It is the worst pain imaginable and I suspect it is a body memory which makes it even worse. How did I survive this pain as a baby? It hurts even more because I know K cannot soothe it even if she were here. No one and nothing can take away this pain.

I want to die.

I feel like this pain will kill me.

I cannot survive this.

How can that person be my mother? It makes me feel all kinds of horrific things knowing what I know about her, knowing she will never change. When does this end? How can I have spent so many years trying to recover from what my own mother did to me?

I don’t see K till Friday. She said yesterday we could bring it forward if I needed but I can’t because I have so much on at work. Friday feels like an eternity away. I have never felt this bad about being motherless before. And I am scared that each time it comes it hits harder. How much is still to come?

How will I ever recover from the damage she did to me? How many levels of realisations are there?

I want K to sit with me as this wild, untamed, primal pain pours out of me. I want her beside me as I feel this. I want to scream and scream until every piece of this annihilating pain has left my body. I want to sit with her afterwards and settle into the stillness after my body has purged itself of this horror.

I cannot survive this pain. I can’t.

 

7 thoughts on “Intolerable”

  1. You are so strong. So, so strong. Stronger than the pain If you weren’t, it would have gotten you long ago. But you are still standing and you fight. I wish I could take it away, but just know I’m here thinking of you and wishing you some relief.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you lovely. I cannot believe I survived that pain as a baby, like seriously. It is a little less intense today thank goodness. Thank you for your support – I’ve been thinking of you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you heaps of love and great big hugs. ❤
    Here's to hoping Friday comes quickly for you and that being with K can help soothe a little bit of the pain. I'm here to listen if you need an extra ear.
    xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Kerry 💕 sending hugs right back to you and I hope you are doing okay. I am stuck in trauma land where time just doesn’t pass and it is like one perpetual present – how is it only Wednesday?? Love ❣️

      Like

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