Shake it off

Update: we did text her and asked if everything was okay because she’d not replied to our Friday email. She replied saying she thinks she told me she is only working 3 days a week now and that we could continue with the Friday email until the end of June. This is definitely not what she said, she said we would review it at the end of June and that she definitely wasn’t saying we wouldn’t be able to do it anymore. Why can’t people (therapists in particular!) remember what they’ve said? And how shit that she thinks we would just stop it after 4 years without even a conversation. Hello fucking unnecessary rupture and attachment pain!

Ugh, I have a ridiculous situation with my therapy of the kind that hasn’t happened for several years, in fact since I made the decision more than 3 years to stop texting between sessions because it had served its purpose and was now just triggering to wait for a reply, and I would feel ashamed for reaching out. Since then our outside contact has, for the most part, been clear and scheduled in, and there have been no ruptures over it.

Anyway, K and I have done a Friday check-in for 4 years, just a quick email, and she said at the end of May we would need to review it at the end of June as she doesn’t work Fridays at the moment and doesn’t want to because of her health. We were really triggered and upset and she said she wasn’t taking it away, but that we would review it. I remember she definitely said she wasn’t saying we couldn’t do it anymore. Anyway, we’ve not reviewed it and yesterday she didn’t reply for the first time ever. We are not completely triggered, but unsettled definitely and aware this could cause a rupture which is frustrating as it’s a pretty small thing in the scheme of things. I just can’t believe she wouldn’t reply because it’s July, without discussing it and when it was obvious I hadn’t realised. I voluntarily gave up the Tuesday and Thursday morning texts this week, which we’ve done since lockdown, and to be honest that was unsettling enough to suddenly have that space.

I want to text and ask if she’s okay, but don’t want the rejection of her saying in reply that we’re not emailing anymore. But if I don’t then I’ve basically lost the Friday email. I’m planning to drop my Wednesday half hour soon and just have my longer Monday session again, so I had hoped I could at least do an email on Wednesday if I do that, as it has been very holding to have that space. I’m always careful not to write too much, it’s really just a brief check-in, but it’s nice to know if something big happens there is space to share it or mention it. For young parts a week is still quite long and there is also a something about having written words and emojis – something tangible that speaks directly to young parts and can be taken in slowly with a few readings.

This whole thing is very frustrating. My mind obviously goes to the idea that something bad could have happened. I find it hard to believe she would choose not to reply if it was obvious I’d not realised Friday emails had stopped. Surely she’d reply as normal and we’d talk about it on Monday?

I hate the way that therapy brings stuff up so that such small things become so complicated. She has been so predictable though, she even told me to email on Fridays on Christmas week and when she moved house. Surely she would know that suddenly stopping it would be hard for me?

This feels such a trivial post in the midst of a global pandemic and when people have such difficult things and huge losses going on in their own therapy so I apologise even for writing it. It’s where I’m at though I guess.