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This is why we can’t have nice things

This situation is heart-breaking. I keep getting hit with waves of grief and loss this evening. How can K and I both be in the same place as we were in March and have to stop our work because we can’t see each other? How can everything be the same and yet so completely different? I feel like I’ve been fighting against this place I’m now in for months. I know it is right but it feels so wrong, maybe because it is only right because everything in the world is so wrong. I never would have chosen this or needed this.

K has been such a huge source of support for 5 years now. I can count on my fingers the number of weeks we haven’t worked in that time. She has been there, solid and predictable and safe, the same week in week out until finally I could see and feel who she was and that she was different from all the people who’ve hurt me. I’ve spent so much time freaking out that I would lose her and now I am and I know it’s meant to be temporary but it doesn’t feel that way. It really doesn’t.

I know I’ll survive this but I can’t believe I have to. And I don’t know how to trust that she will be there when I can go back. Will she want to see me? Will she remember me, the parts, our story? Will she remember us, who we’ve been together? Will it be the same? Will she think of me? Will what we had slip away? Has it already gone? Maybe I can trust she will be there but not that we, her and I, will be the same. How can it be, when so much time will have passed?

I feel like this is my fault, like if I’d been able to hold onto her and feel she was still there none of this would be happening. She is still here, she has been here all along, but I couldn’t reach her when she wasn’t close by. It was me it all slipped away from. Yesterday she said she feels she knows me just as well, that nothing has changed for her, that without the pandemic we’d have kept working because everything was working so well. Everything has changed for me. Nearly every single part had written in our parts’ journal during the break how much they hate remote work. It was fucking devastating returning from a break to K’s flat image on a screen. We tried so hard to make it work like this with lists of things to talk about and work on and ideas and suggestions, but without her close by it didn’t feel safe to share anything vulnerable – positive or negative. She said our journal was painful for her to read, that it was clearer than ever following the break that this isn’t working for any of us – my whole system is hating it and getting nothing from it. We hate knowing that she has tried so hard to keep the connection, that she was so committed to continuing our work during this time, and yet because we are broken we couldn’t feel it and now it has to be taken away.

I know I will miss her and think of her everyday, for as long as this takes. Everywhere I look in my home there are things that remind me of her, of how I felt when I was with her. None of us even knew what safe was until we felt it with K and now there is safety around us so much of the time because so many things implicitly remind us of her. There was and is so much still to do though, so much more of her we wanted to soak in. It feels so unfair that we had finally reached a place of stability and relative calm in our work and now it has to go on hold, for who knows how long.

I can’t believe that in 13 days we will say goodbye not knowing when we will speak again. I can’t hold on to the feeling that we will meet again, when the whole world is falling into ruins. What if there is no going back? I’m so scared that the other side we need to reach doesn’t exist and never will. What if everything has changed even more by the time she returns to in-person work? What if she never does? What if there isn’t a time we can meet because all her end of day sessions are taken and I can’t fit it in around work? Part of me wants to keep going just so I don’t lose my time. But I know I can’t do that. More than any of this I’m scared of pushing us to a place we can’t come back from, with my rage and resentment and disappointment and disconnect.

I’m so scared I’ve already broken us and we’ll never get back what we had. I can’t even take this pause feeling safe and connected like I would if we were in the same room, it feels like it’s already something I made up and now I have to head into this unknown place without her support. It’s just too hard.

7 thoughts on “This is why we can’t have nice things”

  1. I wish I could send you a hug….
    I’m hoping you can use the next couple weeks to process it, and that the pain gets easier to handle. Either way, we’re thinking of you. I know you’ll get through this, and hope it’s easier than you dream of….
    Sending inner sunshine and peace

    Liked by 3 people

  2. uuuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhh i hate fucking covid and the politicization of prevention/treatment and all the loss it has left in its wake. so fucked. you are so not alone in this and i feel your pain (my perception of it, of course) in your words. Xx

    Liked by 4 people

  3. If you feel the pain or the need to reach out, we are here. And I also hope that it will be easier than you think. Even if not, we are here and you are never alone. I wish you some good dreams and some good moments. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  4. It’s a terrible thing to have to process this, but I’m holding out hope that you’ll come to surprise yourself with your strength in managing it. This certainly isn’t what you want, but you absolutely can survive it. I believe in you.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. You are so much between the rock and a hard place here. I feel so much sympathy for your plight, and can understand why you would worry that you’ve broken things beyond repair. I think when you draw together all the little bits of the ‘invisible string’ you talked about and how your therapeutic relationship is a special work you both do together, creating a strong bond for both of you, it somehow allows room for both of you to be capable of weathering this storm. Hard though it is, for both of you no doubt ♥️

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Oh CB this is so bloody painful. I get it. I really do. It’s an impossible situation. I can’t bloody believe it to be honest. I really feel like mental health provision has been completely sidelined or even neglected by government and organisations. Like if you were bleeding out on the floor you’d have someone to patch you up. The say mental health is as important as physical health but when it comes to it when we’re bleeding out emotionally we’re on our own. I don’t understand how I’ve been and had my hair cut and coloured (too many greys) in a 90 min appointment in a room that’s smaller than the therapy room and with closer proximity but we can’t go to face to face therapy. I’m sorry – that rant won’t have helped. Thinking of you xx

    Liked by 2 people

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