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My mind has split K and turned her completely bad and it’s honestly devastating. I guess it’s progress I can see this has happened and am aware that it might not reflect reality, but it feels like it is real and I cannot find anything good about her – memories of all the good, connected times have dissolved and I cannot find a single thing that is not scary and threatening about our time together. I cannot remember her at all and she feels cold and hostile and scary.

The waves of grief continued till Saturday evening and then on Sunday there was just this deathlike numbness inside me. No feelings for K at all. No feelings about anything at all. A hollow emptiness that invaded every cell of my body. In the evening I let parts write for the first time in a really long time. Loads of stuff came out about K from lots of different parts, but I couldn’t connect to any of it. It was so disconcerting to have such huge feelings and big process appear on the page from a pen held by me but have no sense of connection to it. And when I went to bed I wrote in my journal and it was so dark and cut off. When I try to find what K and I had all I have access to are her edges – the hardness, the rigidness, the cutting off and pulling back and pushing me away. All I can find is her scary parts, the parts that were cold and inflexible and told me I was tiring and reactive, the parts that took away the Friday email without discussion and refused to see me last summer, the parts that refused to budge and refused to negotiate. She can’t have been like that really but I cannot find anything inside that reassures me otherwise. Her softness and love and warmth are nowhere to be found and I don’t actually think they existed. I think I made all that stuff up. I don’t know what is real.

I keep coming back to the fucking horrible, cold, clinical email she sent me last week, which had some weird attempt to be a human by mentioning sunshine, but really missed the mark. I knew she would respond like that. It was partly why I was braced for being so triggered by her. I knew she would offer me no words of reassurance about me being important to her or her wanting to continue this work with me. R is clear that it actually isn’t okay that she was like that. He says she could have been warm, connected, human. He has promised me he will never send me an email like that, but then I feel guilty for splitting and comparing them. His warmth is an antidote to the cold in me, the cold from K, the coldness that has lived in me forever. His warmth didn’t touch me today though. K has wiped all trace of herself from me and taken R with her. A final fuck you.

It had been 6 months and in that time I had text her once in November when our bunny, Ollie, died very suddenly (and she sent a gorgeous message back almost straightaway), emailed her once at the start of December to say that I was growing and healing but was ready to be back in therapy with her now and hoped she was keeping the light on for us (I said not to worry about replying and she didn’t – but as R said today, how could she not want to when someone she had worked so closely with sent a message like that? I think it made him sad to think of me being ignored like that), and then we text on 6th January to wish her a happy new year and said it was weird not to see her on the first Monday of the year after all these years and she didn’t reply to that which kind of makes sense as it was communication from parts and I guess we are not in therapy with her anymore. But honestly, could she not have wished us a happy new year?

So apart from when I asked if we could do some sessions when I heard about how much my brother was struggling in October, which is a legitimate reason to have emailed her, I’ve contacted her three times in SIX months. What did she think was going to happen if she sent a warm email response to mine, that I would suddenly message her every day? Have I not proved myself this past 6 months? And why on earth wasn’t there some cushioning around her news that she has no plans to return to face-to-face? We were doing depth attachment work when the pandemic hit and she was basically telling me I can’t continue with it, and yet wrote it in the coldest way imaginable. Why not… I know this will be difficult for you but or I’m really sorry that at present I have no plans to return to face-to-face work or I don’t currently have any spaces but if you want to consider remote work I can see when that might be possible. Why did she not feel any responsibility towards me? It was really such an awful, cold, disconnected email. It hurts that she would choose to send that. It hurts that she felt no sense of letting me down or any responsibility for how it might leave me feeling.

I’m scared that’s who she really is though. I’m scared that was the real her. How can I go back to her? How did I ever feel connected to her? I cannot imagine telling her anything ever again. I cannot imagine being met with warmth and understanding again. How did I ever feel connected to her? Were we actually close? I don’t see how we can have been. It feels like there is no warmth in her. She doesn’t and didn’t care. How did I ever dare to contact her via text and share such big feelings with her? How did I ever reach out knowing what might come back?

I feel so disgusting inside. I feel ashamed of myself for having these feelings and ashamed of K and then ashamed of myself for being ashamed of her. I talked stuff through with R today around her and I feel like I’ve betrayed her and our work because I was picking her apart, trying to make sense of what she’s done and why. What does it mean for me? I told R I’d split her and that I shouldn’t be trying to make sense of things while I wasn’t in touch with reality. I don’t know if this will ever change though and I’m not even sure if maybe I wasn’t wrong before and this is real, what’s happening now. I don’t know what is real, maybe this is real and everything before was all in my head?

It feels like K’s emails last week have changed everything that came before. It feels as though she has erased us. After 5 years she just let me go. If I’d not followed up and asked about returning to remote work in the autumn after I got her first email she would literally have let me walk away forever without even an ending. She has let me go. Just like that. She has cut me off and pretended we were nothing and the worst part is she has left me believing her. We are broken and she has taken away from me what we had and left me in this black, dark, cut off place where everyone is dangerous and I am so full of black filth that I make them all go away. I feel completely insane and broken this evening. I feel as though I twist and break everything pure. I will break R too and he will leave me like K has.

13 thoughts on “Splitting”

  1. I think we all naturally try to make sense of things, and it makes more sense that someone who’s been bad all along would be hurtful than someone who’s been a mix of really good and really dropping the ball. She messed up with that email, and it sucks that you’re left to try to pick up the pieces somehow.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It really sucks. It’s like the sort of email she’d occasionally send if I caught her in a rush or if I messaged about payment or something, but then we’d be meeting in a few days so it didn’t matter. It just doesn’t feel like the sort of email anyone should send a long-term therapy client at the planned end of an extended break 😔

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I don’t know what to say CB, except that reading this invokes a genuine response of great sympathy for your situation. I am certain I’d feel the same way. The way K has been recently seems quite a lot different to the way she’s been in the past, which makes me wonder if she’s just not coping with the pandemic. Absolutely not dissing her if that’s the case; no one is unaffected. But that’s not excusing her either – she really could have done better. YOU deserved a much better response than that and I really wish she had given that to you. I think your feelings on the subject are completely understandable and I’d challenge anyone to say otherwise! I really hope this pans out for you. I can also understand how R might have not ‘worked’ quite so well in your last session if you were (again, understandably) shutting down as an act of defence. Sometimes when that happens I find you shut down on everyone and can’t always pick and choose how that works. I hope you can fine R more helpful next time, you need all the positive things you can possible get right now to help you through this hardship ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, R was helpful but I couldn’t take in that he was there if that makes sense. Everything in me is terrified he’ll change how we work or pull back or go away, like K has. It is useful to talk this through with him but splitting makes me feel so guilty. K did sometimes send quite cold, clinical, firm texts and emails which could be a bit cutting, but not every time by any means and we always had a session a few days later so it didn’t matter. This feels totally unacceptable though, given the situation we are in and the overall context of the pandemic. Seeing R get warmer and warmer towards me as we get closer is in such contrast – he’s not a psychotherapist of course so the work and need for boundaries is totally different, but it makes me feel there’s something lacking in K that she couldn’t be warm towards me after all this time and when giving news she would know would be hard for me.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Hi, sorry to read this. It’s always easy as an outsider to say the wrong thing and you certainly didn’t deserve such a cold response. From things we’ve talked about I wonder if it is her keeping boundaries to try and keep you safe, not that I agree when this has been caused by a pandemic. We are all in the same storm just different boats. I’ll try and find sometime later to email you. Hang in there lovely xx

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    1. Honestly, I’m always the first to say she’s trying to keep me safe but this email was something else. We were right in the middle of depth attachment work this time last year and the way she told me she wasn’t returning to face to face and had no spaces anyway was brutal. There’s boundaries and then there’s lack of humanity. As you say, we are in a pandemic – it’s not been my choice to take a break and it was the planned end of it. It’s like she sometimes wants to prove to herself she can set boundaries with no explanation or justification – I’ve noticed that before like if I asked for an extra session or phone call and she couldn’t she’d just say ‘I’m not able to do that work then’ – which is sort of ok but not very kind. In this context she just took it to another level and it was a really bad time to act like that and not be warm at all in her response to me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally agree with you, I’m actually furious with K on your behalf (but don’t feel it’s my place to bitch about her) but I’ve been in a similar place and I know that pushing them could be the last straw. Do you feel able to write her a frank and honest email or ask for a call so there are no misinterpretations?

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      2. I don’t know if a call would help me but I think she would say no anyway. R says for whatever reason she has cut off from me and he doesn’t think that will change until she sees me again and remembers our connection. It seems to be how she reacts to stress (I’m sure she’s avoidant/dismissive (or possibly disorganised attachment like me) and it really shows sometimes). I think emailing her to tell her I’m hurt would likely be the final straw for her – her view will be that we are not working together at the moment and I need to accept that. I don’t think she would respond well because the reason she’s done this is because she’s lost (or is perhaps working hard to lose) our connection at the moment. So I’m left holding this really and wondering about going back and what she’ll be like. It’s so utterly shit the email she first sent I can’t even, urrrggghhh!


  4. I’m so sorry that things have ended up this way. It’s literally just shit. I’m glad you have R right now to help you through this pain. Thinking of you….xx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m with Mac, but I’m going to call it bullshit really smells bad. I just don’t get why they do this. Like why not just be human? Sometimes I’m like, yeah, I have an advanced degree too, I have to hold boundaries too, but I NEVER treat the people I communicate with coldness. My T’s emails regularly set me off. They feel super performatively professional. I can’t stand it. I am livid with K for you. Though we also both know this is her shit, not yours, not even about you… and that even though you’re splitting, she is there on some plain. You’ll find each other again. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah that’s exactly it – performatively professional. It is an act and that’s what makes me so angry. It sometimes feels like she is proving to herself that she can set a boundary and give no justification or soften it in any way. If you saw how she broke the news to me that basically our depth attachment work is over you would be even more livid. Like you, I have to keep boundaries firm at work but I would never in a million years treat another human in a cold and detached way. It is not unprofessional to show empathy to another and it does not make them confused about what you are saying if you are kind about it. I can see this is her stuff but it’s still so painful and it is making me nuts in my relationship with R and terrified he’ll do what she’s done. And I’m not sure I even want to find her again after this!

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