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Maybe

I might send this to K on Monday. I figure if she responds badly it will mean it is time to let go and move on. And if she responds well then I can try and resolve this fear and splitting and move into the next 6 months feeling more stable.

It is terrifying what she might come back with. But maybe better than what I’m sitting with and all the uncertainty.

Dear K,

Before you read this, please know I am in an extreme disorganised attachment place for the past few weeks. It is the worst it has been for around 3 years. So sending this comes with considerable personal risk because I am braced for hurt and anger from you as I seek connection and some kind of safety.

I am emailing to ask if we could arrange an hour session in the coming weeks. I know you’re currently full but if you have a space that a client cannot make in the next couple of weeks then I can do that. There are only a few times I have firm work commitments in the next few weeks so most likely I could do whenever you are available.

I know we are not working at present and you will likely think I should speak to someone else, but this is about us and this is still a break taken for reasons outside of my control. It is also important for my well-being going forwards that I find some kind of resolution to the position I am currently in. I am really struggling to process your email responses to me and my brain has completely split you so I can’t find any good at all, only the edges. As you can imagine, this is making it hard to contemplate ever returning, but is also meaning I don’t feel I can use this time to integrate our work further. It is a frightening place to be in and I’m really unraveling. A session to reconnect and try and resolve this painful splitting process for me partway through this extended break would be very helpful. I cannot do this alone or with someone else because it is about us, and 6 or more months is a long time to hold it.

We are currently in pandemic and these are unprecedented times and so I ask you to please show compassion for my situation and to do something that you might not agree to in more normal times.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Warm wishes,

CB

10 thoughts on “Maybe”

  1. How she would not respond to your last paragraph alone – would be beyond me! Fingers crossed for you CB (if only that’s all it took!).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Man, I hope so!! If she doesn’t then I will die but it will at least show me it is time to move on and that I can’t rely on her being in a good place to work with me (oh and yes – Zoom!!) come autumn.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a well written and heartfelt letter. I do hope she realizes the great risk you have taken to write it and finally follows through with meeting like how you guys had planned on 6 months ago. Hang in there. You are incredible strong to be facing into this storm head on.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much. I just want to run away from it all but I guess the only way out is through. I hope if I see it she sees the risk too and responds well…

      Like

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